Page 20 of Play Like a Girl

“Kenny, we have to talk.”

No good conversation has ever been prefaced with those words. I shifted up and sat back against the headboard, trying to tamp down my panic.

“About?”

“I need…” She wiped at a stray tear. “I need to tell you how I’ve been feeling lately so we can figure out some things.”

“Okay. What’s going on?”

My stomach tightened when she started to talk. I wish she was here with me so I could hold her as she shared how sad and depressed she’s been feeling, and how it’s affecting her focus and concentration. But if she was here or if I was there, she probably wouldn’t be having the issues at all.

“I love talking to you every night but afterwards, those feelings I mentioned are just multiplied.” She wiped at her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I really thought I was stronger than this. But apparently having a year off and getting into a relationship is enough to break me.”

She put down the phone and blew her nose, seeming to be more composed when her face filled the screen again. It must be a relief for her to have finally shared all that with me. Her words were difficult to hear, but I’d rather know what she’s feeling than not. But now that I know, I’m still not sure what to do about it. Our situation remains the same.

“You are strong and you’re not broken. You’re just dealing with a lot right now. The Olympics are ahugedeal. It’s understandable that you’d be feeling stressed.”

“The thing is, I don’t feel stressed because of that. At least I don’t think so.” She shook her head. “At this point, I don’t know anymore. But I do know that it’s really important that I stay focused the next few weeks. I can't mess up, or worse, because I’m distracted.”

“So what are you thinking?” I asked, even though every fiber of my being is telling me that I don’t want to know.

“I think…” Her eyes shifted to the side and she swallowed, then nibbled her lip before looking me in the eye again. “Maybe we should take a break. Just until the Olympics are over.”

“A break?”

“We’re not going to be able to see each other in person anyway, so—”

I cut her off.

“Yeah but we can still FaceTime or talk on the phone. Text. Communicate in some way.”

“But that just puts us in some weird limbo that I find distracting.”

“Limbo?” She nodded. “I don’t understand what you mean by that.”

Penny’s eyes widened at that last sentence. I took a deep breath to calm my thoughts and moderate my tone. She can’t help the way she feels any more than I can. And I need to remember that she’s never dealt with this before. I also need to keep the fact that I have out of this conversation and remember that she’s not Holly.

“I don’t understand what you mean by that,” I repeated in a normal tone. “We’re not in any kind of limbo. We’re in a relationship here. Just because we’re not living in the same city at the moment doesn’t change the commitment we’ve made or the feelings we have for each other.”

“Of course not. I love you, Kenny. All I’m saying is I need to focus on softball right now so I don’t totally screw up or get smacked in the face with a line drive.”

“And talking to me affects your ability to do that?”

“I feel like you're purposely misunderstanding me.”

“You’re saying that you want to take a break until after the Olympics because you need to focus.” She nodded. “But Penny, not talking to each other won’t stop the feelings or the longing to be together.”

“What you just said is true, but I don’t know what else to do right now. I’ve lived this way for years and I’ve never,neverhad this issue before. I’ve always been able to focus on the game one hundred percent. But now, I’m thinking about you and us and when we’ll fit in a call or a visit. I had to step out of the box yesterday because I was replaying one of our conversations in my head.”

Not seeing Penny is awful, but not communicating with her at all will be torture. But if it’s what she’s asking for, what she needs, I’ll give it to her.

“Okay.” I shifted my eyes toward the window and swallowed the lump in my throat before meeting her gaze again. “If that’s what you think you need right now, okay.Butcan we agree that it’s not a break?”

“Not a break,” she said with a wobbly smile. “I love you, Kenny Hanover.”

“I love you, too.”

Unfortunately, right now I’m not feeling confident that love will be enough to help us figure this out.

---