Page 67 of Milked

“Ryder?” I asked, to get his attention.

“Yeah?” he responded with a mouthful of pasta.

“There’s one more thing, and this isn’t quite a rule, but it’s something I would like you to do, Sweet Boy.”

“Okay. W-what is it?”

“I would like you to reach out to your parents. I think it will help with the healing process if you talk and spend some time together. And I would like you to make an appointment with the grief counselor Finn and I used. She’s quite amazing.”

He sighed and wiped his mouth with the napkin before taking a sip of his cabernet, pondering my words.

“I know I should talk to them… see them, but it’s so hard. Every time I think about them, I think about what I took from them… what I took from myself.”

“Dammit, Ryder. You did not run her over. You… Look, I’m not a therapist. I can’t tell you how to feel, but you aren’t going to be able to heal until you deal with this thing you’re doing to yourself. It’s going to fester until it eats you alive. And running and hiding from your past doesn’t help.”

He said nothing, digging in his lasagna with a fork but not eating.

“Do you think they blame you?” I asked.

He gave me a one-shoulder shrug. “I don’t know.”

“If I bought you a ticket to Nebraska, would you go?”

“I mean, if you want me to, I will.”

“This isn’t for me, Sweet Boy.”

He sighed heavily again. “You’re right. I really need to. The anniversary of Rowan’s death was probably just as hard on them.”

“Ryder, they lost you too.”

His eyes turned red with unshed tears as he nodded. “I know… They’re good parents who didn’t deserve this. And I’ve been walking in this dense fog without Rowan, not knowing whether I’m coming or going most of the time. We shared everything… a womb, blood, nutrition… We knew our deepest secrets, even when we didn’t speak them. I don’t know how others feel when they lose someone close, but losing half your soul—your twin… That’s on a whole other level, I think… not to diminish the pain of others. That strong connection with her has been permanently severed, and I’ve been so lost without it. That is, until you and Finn.”

“Oh, baby… I know.” I held out my arms, and he stood and sat on my lap, allowing me to hold him.

He sniffed and held me back. “I love it with you and Finn. I’m not entirely whole, and I may never be, but I’m healing, thanks to you both.”

“We love you, too. So, will you try to see them? If so, let me know when, and I’ll get you a plane ticket.”

“You don’t have to buy me anything.”

“I insist. Does that mean you’ll go?”

“Okay. I know you’re right, but I’m afraid.”

“As I believe I’ve mentioned, you can’t run from your pain forever. Sometimes you have to face it head-on, and it can allow you to heal faster.”

I gently pinched his chin and pulled him down into a kiss, which quickly grew heated, but I eased him off before things turned too hot. Now wasn’t the time, and Finn and I still needed to adjust to this new arrangement, having to share each other when one of us wasn’t around. There were no worries he’d leave me. He’d told me often enough. But if I got too old, I was pleased he would always have Ryder. Finn’s happiness was everything to me. Now, Ryder was everything to me, too.

“How much time can I take off from the club?” he asked, sitting back down to finish dinner.

“Take as long as you need.”

“Maybe just a few days to start. Is tomorrow too soon?”

“No, Sweet Boy. I’ll make the arrangements.”

We ate quietly again, sipping our wine, when he said, “Can I sleep with you tonight, sir?”

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