Page 97 of Pucking Your Best Friend

“Why didn’t you tell me you were dating Matt, Maddie?” Lucy interrupted sharply.

She stopped, perplexed. “How did you know?”

“Not from you! So? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Nervously, she wrung her hands. “I don’t know. Because it’s still…new.” And it was so wonderful that she was afraid it would crumble through her fingers if she made one wrong move.

“You told Rachel,” Lucy said reproachfully.

Ah, that’s where Lucy had heard it. Maddie swallowed. “I wanted to tell her something personal, so it would open the door to sharing private things.”

“But why didn’t you want to share it withme? Sorry, I don’t want to sound whiny, but…I don’t understand.”

She sighed. Yes, now that she thought about it, it was a legitimate question. “You would have made a big deal out of it,” Maddie finally murmured. “Rachel doesn’t know Matt. She was just happy.”

“Itisa big deal!” Lucy shouted, throwing her arms in the air as if Dax had just scored another goal.

Maddie smiled warily. “Maybe.”

“Not justmaybe!”

“No.” She bit her lower lip. “You’re right. It’s a big deal.”

“Exactly. And why didn’t you confide in me? I would have been happy for you, too! Maddie, I really would like to be there for you in good times and bad. But you have to talk to me.”

Maddie shrugged. Yes, she knew that Lucy wanted that. She didn’t know why it had become so difficult. They had always shared everything before!

Maybe that was exactly it, though. When her mother had died, Maddie had taken responsibility for everything. From that point on, it had simply become easier to talk less, to share neither the bad nor the good.

“Lucy,” she responded softly, actively trying to keep her voice from shaking. She was about to say something that would alter everything. What she was going to say could make everything terrible or wonderful. There had been a hell of a lot of moments like this in the last few weeks.

She swallowed and took a deep breath, forcing herself to keep speaking. “Lucy, I’m sorry. At times, I’m afraid that if I start talking to you about how I’m doing, what I’m happy about, and what I’m not happy about…I’ll explode.”

Lucy opened her mouth in surprise. “What?”

She forced a smile and wished that Matt were here standing behind her, putting a calming hand on her back to let her know he was there. Letting her know it was okay to say what she wanted to say, even if it would hurt others. In place of the real thing, Maddie visualized it. She saw him kissing her neck and whispering in her ear that she could put her needs first for once…

“It’s not your fault,” she said quietly and lowered her gaze. “Nor is it Rachel’s fault. But the last few years have been exhausting for me. I feel like I’ve lived more of Dad’s life thanmy own. I’ve been keeping a lot of disappointment, anger, and stress inside for far too long. I didn’t want to burden you with it. I love you and want you to be happy. Actually, if I’m honest, the last few years have been too much. At times, I felt like I was Dad’s only daughter. And I think I’m afraid that once I start telling you what’s been going on in my life lately…I won’t be able to stop. It’ll all come out and then I'll blame you for dumping so much work on me. I’m afraid I’ll yell at you because it’s all on my shoulders: I have to make sure Rachel gets in touch, that we all see each other, and that Dad doesn’t starve while you…live your life.”

She said the last words softly because she was afraid they would cut the hardest. And the louder she spoke, the deeper they would pierce Lucy’s heart. The more the words would hurt her, or make her angry – or both.

She expected her sister to defend herself, to list all the days she had also taken care of her father, to list all the things she’d sacrificed. Lucy, however, remained silent, and when another silent minute passed, Maddie finally glanced up cautiously.

Surprised, she noticed tears in Lucy’s eyes. Big, glistening tears dripping down to her trembling lips.

“But you should blame me, Maddie,” she whispered. “Blame me. Blameus. You know I knew it was probably too much for you. But you never said anything. So I told myself it was okay. I knew I was lying to myself, though. I took the easy way out.” She swallowed audibly. “I…it was so painful to visit Dad in that terrible state for so long that, after a while, I just didn’t. And that was awful of me. Becauseyoucouldn’t stop. Then again, you were so good at taking care of him. You took care of everything! I just thought: Hey, she’ll do it. She’ll say something when it gets to be too much.” Frantically, Lucy wiped the tears from her cheeks. “But I know you! I know how much you hate telling a waiter that he messed up your order.”

“Hey,” Maddie murmured, reaching over to wipe the tears from her sister’s cheeks with her thumb. “It’s not your fault that you didn’t know. A…wise person once told me that we can’t expect others to read our minds. That we have to be honest and fight for ourselves.”

Lucy hiccupped. “But I could have asked more often. Volunteered more often.”

“And I could have said: Help me, for God’s sake!” Maddie replied with a shaky smile, her own eyes burning as if someone was holding a match to them. “It’s just that I hate complaining. I thought that if I didn’t say it, then it wasn’t real. Then everything would be…better.”

“Maddie, life isn’t better if you complain less. Just lonelier. When I’m feeling bad, you take care of me. And when you’re feeling bad…I’d like to return the favor. I know you don’t want to burden me, but it bothers me that you don’t talk to me about your feelings or problems! It bothers me that you avoid difficult topics and don’t argue with me. That you don’t even blame me when I deserve it.”

“You sound like Matt.” She sniffed and wiped her nose with her sleeve.

“Well, then the man is a lot smarter than I gave him credit for.” Lucy hiccupped again, then wrapped both arms tightly around Maddie and pulled her close. “I know the last few years have been hard for all of us. But we’re still a family, even without Mom. And I know that not everything can be the same as it used to be. But if all we have is each other, shouldn’t we hold on tighter?” She squeezed Maddie’s shoulders even tighter. “I’m not as good as you at taking care of others. But I honestly want to try. And, I say it far too rarely, but, Maddie, you are wonderful through and through. The strongest of the three of us. But that doesn’t mean we can dump everything on you. I know that. You just always made it look so easy. I should have known that wasbullshit. But can you just ask when you need help? When you’re unhappy? When you’re angry with me?”

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