Page 98 of Plus Size Player

She giggled. “It’s interesting how you never said anything about how hard it would be to replace him.”

“Girl, please.”

I hadn’t thought about that man since he left the event.

As her laughter died down, I changed the subject.

“Your birthday is coming up,” I pointed out. “What dates do you have lined up?”

She told me about the men she’d talked to on the app, the predicament she found herself in, and how she still hadn’t finalized a date for her birthday weekend. Twenty minutes later, we said good night.

Even though I knew I should’ve immediately gone to sleep, since I had an early call time, I couldn’t shut my mind off. I stared at the TV, but I wasn’t focused. I kept replaying the events of last weekend over and over again. As I started drifting off to sleep, two things became clear.

The dates I’d just gone on didn’t compare.

The men I’d just gone out with didn’t compare.

Would anyone?

I’d had to replace men on my roster before. Finding someone fun had never been that difficult. But finding someone like Russ would prove to be a challenge.

He was more than just fun.

He was perfect.

And I felt the loss.

Russell Long was everything I wanted, and in order to replace him on the roster, I’d have to find someone who was comparable.And even then, it wouldn’t be enough. It hit me that I didn’t want someone comparable. I didn’t want someone to try to fill his large shoes. I just wanted him—just him. And that thought brought me to tears. I was only in a relationship with him for three hours yet I’d cried more and harder than I ever cried over a man.

And that made me mad.

How did I let myself get put in this position?

My phone vibrated, startling me and waking me up.

Tyrell: How are you? I’m sorry to reach out to you so late, but I just found out there’s an author event for Fumi Davis in a couple weeks and tickets go on sale at midnight. If I get two tickets, would you like to come with me? It’s in New York so we’d be gone for the weekend.

There was no way I would be able to do a weekend getaway with him in the mental state I was in. Emotionally, I was not available. Physically, I was not available. And socially, I was not available.

Nina: That’s my best friend’s birthday weekend so I’m not going to be able to make it.

Tyrell: There’s another one in Philadelphia in a month. I want to do a weekend with you if you’re free in September. Things felt different the other day and I’d like to make it up to you. What do you think?

Nina: I think you should be planning weekend getaways with someone who is on the same page as you. Things did feel different last time we were together and that was on me. I’m not emotionally available and you deserve that. You’re a great guy and I’ve had a great time with you.

Tyrell: I don’t even know what to say to this.

I didn’t feel bad for ending things. But I did feel bad that I did it over text. I picked up the phone and called him, but he didn’t answer.

New roster, new men, new everything.

I needed a clean slate. I needed a fresh start.

Sighing, I placed my phone back on my nightstand and closed my eyes. Unfortunately, my mind raced, and I tossed and turned until my alarm went off in the morning. Despite my restless night, I made it to the studio in DC on time. I had to be in hair and makeup by nine o’clock, and knowing DC traffic, I got on the road early.

It felt like it took forever to get there in rush hour traffic. But it gave me plenty of time to shake off the thoughts of Russ that plagued my sleep.

“Good morning,” I greeted the room as I entered the building.

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