Page 79 of Never Been Shipped

“Nothing,” Micah said finally. “He told me he loved me and I said…nothing.”

“Why?” Tatiana asked. She said it like the most obvious answer—because I don’t love him back—was off the table, and weirdly Micah appreciated that. It was off the table, although she could of course see how John had no reason to know that, how much she’d hurt him by not being able to express how she felt.

“I think I’ve just always been so afraid of failure,” Micah said. “In the past, when I’ve put myself out there…every time, I fuck it up somehow.”

Tatiana looked down at the notebook still in her hand. It was basically what the song was about.

“You’re not afraid of failure,” Tatiana said. “You’re afraid of success.”

That didn’t make any sense. When Micah thought back to the biggest accomplishments in her life—the record deal, when “If Only” had gone platinum, that final performance on the cruise—she felt good about them. Sure, that feeling got complicated, even warped sometimes, but she still chased it.

“Maybe I need some exposure therapy,” she joked. “Once I’m successful at something again, then I’ll see how I feel.”

Tatiana gave her a look likeYou’re making my point for me.“You’re not afraid of failure because you expect it. If anything, it makes you feel like the universe is working as it’s supposed to. The success part scares you because you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You’re so convinced that itwilldrop that you don’t want to allow yourself to even go for it, because then you think you’re setting yourself up for inevitable disappointment. You play games ofwhat if what if what if, but like, what if everything was just…good. What if it did actually work out. What if you allowed yourself to accept that John loves you, what if you allowed yourself to love him back.”

Micah sat back against her couch, legitimately struck completely silent by Tatiana’s speech.

“I’ve been in alotof therapy, if you couldn’t tell,” Tatiana said. “And what are friends for if not to swap around each other’s therapeutic insights until we can cobble together something close to comprehensive mental health care.”

Micah laughed. “I’m in therapy, too, believe it or not. But yeah, my guy is…not very good, because you just did more for me in two minutes than he ever has. He’s really fixated on my dreams. He always makes me describe my dreams to him.”

“I can refer you to my person, if you want,” Tatiana said.

Micah picked up her guitar, idly strumming a few chords while she thought about that. She was starting to feel in her gut like she wouldn’t be sticking around L.A. long enough to make switching therapists worth it. “Thank you,” she said, meaning for the offer but for everything else, too. “I’ll let you know.”

Chapter

Thirty-Five

J: You ready?

John had started texting Micah when his house was all sitting down to watch their favorite dating show, because sometimes she cued up the episode at the same time and they texted back and forth afterward to discuss. John tried really hard to stay off his phone during the episode itself, not wanting to be rude, but sometimes he couldn’t help himself. Like now, when his phone lit up with a text.

M:This guy’s lost every job he’s ever had but it’s not his fault

John grinned, picking up his phone to send a stealth text.

J:His favorite band is The Used

This was one of the games they liked to play—speculatingabout a contestant’s favorite band, the only rule being that you couldn’t say Nickelback because the joke had been done to death.

M: You fucking love The Used, don’t even try to front

J:A band can be beloved and still included in the game. Last week you said that guy with the bowlcut’s favorite band was The Beatles, and they’re the most popular band in the world.

M:The point was that bowlcut would be the type of person to SAY The Beatles because he doesn’t know any other bands—it’s like saying The Great Gatsby is your favorite book

J:The Great Gatsby is a banger. I’m all about that green light.

M:I can’t talk to you when you’re like this

J:You love it <3

“John!” Kiki said. “Do we need to have a basket that everyone puts their phones in during family time?”

“Sorry,” John said, sliding his away from him on the couch. “I’m paying attention, I promise.”

He loved being in more regular contact with Micah again. It feltright, having her there in his phone, where he could text herabout his day or ask her about hers. It felt so good to have her friendship back in his life. He still thought about that possibility of something more than friendship, of course he did. He was pretty sure Micah did, too. She’d made him a zine to go along with a mix CD that was practically a love letter; there’d been a moment on a phone call late one night where he’d been sure she was going to tell him she loved him. But he also had to enjoy what they had without wanting it to be something else or he’d go out of his mind. He had to meet her where she was. Micah didn’t seem ready to be serious about him in that way, and he was incapable of being anythingbutserious about her in that way.

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