Page 66 of Never Been Shipped

“Heyyyy!” Steve yelled when he saw them, stretching outthe word in a way that suggested he was definitely at least a little lit.

“Still spending your vouchers?” Micah asked.

Frankie gave Steve an indulgent look, like he was a child who’d been on the same carousel all day in a theme park full of rides. “Those ran out a long time ago.”

Micah wanted to bring up what had happened with Ryder, wanted to thank them for taking a stand against him. But she didn’t know how to mention it without getting emotional in the middle of the casino, which would be a jarring experience on multiple levels. So instead she just patted Steve on the back.

“What’s the damage so far?”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve broken even,” Steve said. “House money.”

“You havenotbroken even,” Frankie said. “And you don’t know whathouse moneymeans. What have you guys been up to?”

For some reason Micah’s brain went first to all the X-rated stuff she and John had gotten up to, all the things she absolutely couldnottell her bandmates about. There were several beats of silence while she just stood there, trying to figure out how to even answer that question.

“We were rehearsing ‘If Only’ for prom,” John said finally, and ofcourse, that was the thing to say. She felt her cheeks heat and just hoped Frankie didn’t notice.

“I think it sounds really good,” Micah said. “I’m excited about it.”

“I imagine. This performance is going to be iconic.” Then they seemed to hear what they’d just said, and they quickly backtracked. “In a non-pressurey kind of way. Iconic like it’ll just be a bird floating on the breeze, not a care in the world.Iconic like one of those crop circles that just naturally happens without anyone needing to do any of the work for it.”

“Those are made by aliens,” Steve put in. “I watched a documentary.”

“The point is,” Frankie said, “I’m sure it’ll be great.”

Even a couple days ago, Frankie’s wordswouldhave made Micah freak out. She was aware of the stakes of tomorrow night’s performance, the fact that they had been scheduled to provide the climactic moment of the cruise, four minutes that were meant to be the most magical of the entire trip. But she really didn’t feel nervous about it anymore. She was looking forward to being on that stage with John, to showing everyone what they could do.

Micah slid her and John’s casino vouchers from her back pocket, holding them up. “Now,” she said. “How do we go about using these?”

A few minutes later, they were both set up on slot machines—not because Micah particularly enjoyed the experience of pushing a button over and over, or because she cared about the extremely low odds of winning anything, but because they were open and it was something to do. John took a turn on one, the lights flashing across his face while he waited to see what images the machine would land on.

“I don’t even know what I’m looking for,” he said. “Three cherries in a row? Isn’t that the usual thing?”

“I don’t see any cherries,” Micah said. “But number seven is lucky, right? And the diamonds look promising.”

She kept hitting the button, and random things would light up and tell her when she’d won some kind of bonus, but it truly was baffling to figure out what was happening. Steve stood overher shoulder and tried to tell her when she’d hit a multiplier, but she didn’t know what that meant and then she quickly lost it again.

“I hate gambling,” John said. “I never do it. I don’t even like white elephant gift exchanges and stuff like that. They make me so uncomfortable.”

John liked certainty. She’d always known that about him, and now that she knew a bit more about what he’d been through as a kid, it made even more sense to her—that he wouldn’t like that feeling of not knowing what to expect.

“I’m not big on it, either,” she said. “Although I will admit to occasionally buying a Powerball ticket if the prize is really huge. I don’t know why—it’s not like I dream of being a billionaire or anything like that. I just get weirdly superstitious about the idea of passing up such a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”

“And yet you’re sitting on a Powerball ticket every day,” he said. “And you never cash in.”

He said it gently, with no particular sting, but she felt his words like a kick to the solar plexus nonetheless. He had a point, of course. She’d always imagined that she’d spun the wheel and lost big, and so the last thing she wanted to do was spin the wheel again. But it was beginning to seem more and more that she’d built that belief on a faulty premise to start with. Not only did she not have to fear the wheel, but she wasn’t sure that shehadlost on the first go-around. At least, not as devastatingly as she’d always thought.

Steve and Frankie had both moved away to check out other machines, and John took the opportunity to reach over and give her thigh a quick squeeze.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m not trying to get on your case.”

But she realized that maybe that wasexactlywhat she’d needed, all this time. She needed someone who cared enough about her to look at her life and not see what she wanted them to see, a woman living the dream of coasting on money and accomplishments from a decade ago. She wanted someone who cared enough to help her face the future but without making her feel terrible about all the ways she’d fucked up her past. She thought about that one woman she’d dated, the inspirational life hack-y quotes she was always throwing at Micah, and wondered why that had never felt like encouragement so much as impatience. She realized it was because she’d never felt like that woman cared aboutheras a person, so much as about her résumé for when she was being introduced at dinner parties.

“I appreciate you getting on my case,” she said, smiling over at him. “Get on my case all you want.”

He looked over at her, and for a moment their eyes hooked on each other, like there was an invisible string that wouldn’t let them glance away. She could tell John was getting tired, the slight shadow under his eyes, the way his eyelashes drooped a bit at the corners. But she also knew that he wasn’t going to call this night before she would, like they both knew they were on borrowed time and they were trying to make as much of it as they could.

Then something flashed on his screen, and he glanced back. “Holy shit,” he said. “Itwasall about the diamonds.”

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