Page 72 of Caught Up

“Nothing.” He broke eye contact, looking anywhere except at me. “Do you plan on stopping now that Lauren knows?”

I shook my head. “I’m not decent enough to do that, especially because I know how dangerous this city is. The thought of her just walking around out there is giving me an ulcer.”

“Love will do that to you,” Josh said.

Fuck. Was that what this was? Love? Had IlovedLauren this whole time? I mean, I knew I had as a teen, but in apuppy-lovekind of way that didn’t seem too serious.Grown-uplove was something else entirely, and I’d never loved anyone else romantically, so I had nothing to compare my feelings to.

“It doesn’t matter,” I said, talking more to myself than Josh. “I don’t think Lauren wants anything serious with a man like me.”

“But you’re trying to get out,” Josh said. “Wouldn’t that clear the way for you two?”

I shook my head. “I’m trying. Doesn’t mean Dad will let me go that easily. And anyway, I’m pretty sure I might have already ruined it.”

I filled him in on the last few days since I’d seen Lauren. She and I hadn’t talked much after church, only enough for her to tell me that she needed some space before we spoke again and that just because she’d hooked up with me didn’t mean she forgave me for stalking her. She’d also confessed to wondering if I was ashamed of her. So far, I’d always worn a mask in the club, and anytime we met outside of it was in secret. She hadn’t missed the way that I’d snuck into church so my parents wouldn’t see us together, and I couldn’t blame her for misinterpreting why.

“Areyou ashamed of her?” Josh asked.

“Fuck, no,” I told him.

He eyed me. “It’s not easy for a lot of people, dating someone who gets others off for a living.”

Something about the way he said it made it feel like he was speaking from experience, but he was a hacker, so what the hell would he know about it?

“I don’t care that she gets other people off,” I said.

“Are you sure?” he pressed. “Like,reallysure? I can only imagine what Lauren’s inbox looks like. If you do manage to free yourself from your dad, you need to figure out how you feel about Lauren continuing with her work even while you’re dating. Most of us were raised to expect sexual monogamy from our partners, and some of those ingrained beliefs are hard to overcome.”

I shook my head. “Trust me, I’m sure. I’ve hadyearsto come to terms with Lauren’s work. I don’t give a fuck what she does online as long as it’s just me and her offline.”

“So youdowant to be with her,” Josh said.

I blew out a frustrated breath. “Have you not been listening this whole time?”

“I have, and I’ve been hearing a lot of mixed messages. It sounds like as much as you like or maybe even love this woman, you’re still finding excuses to not tell her you want something serious.”

I rubbed my hands over my face. I’d agreed to keep it casual because I didn’t want to get either of our hopes up for somethinglong-termonly to have to bail if my dad found some way to force me to keep working for him. Or threatened Lauren’s safety. But I couldn’t keep my distance anymore either. If the only way to be with her was by keeping things casual, then I would keep them casual. Also...

“I hurt her once already,” I told Josh. “I don’t want to do it again.”

“What makes you so sure you will?” Josh asked.

I dropped my hands and faced him, letting my own monster shine through. “Because all I do is hurt people.”

That shut him up.

I looked back to the TV, my mind working through the quagmire I’d created for myself with Lauren. “How do I prove that I don’t have a problem with her work or that I’m not ashamed of her?”

“Bring her to our engagement party,” Josh said.

I pulled my eyes from the baseball game to look at him. “What?”

“We’re having it this weekend. Just our closest friends. It’ll be small, and you’re the only Trocci we’re inviting. No one there will know you besides me and Aly, and you can trust us to keep our mouths shut about Lauren.”

“Isn’t meeting the family kind of a big deal?”

Josh shrugged. “Tell her it’s more like a casual barbecue and you don’t want to go alone.”

I mulled it over. As far as ideas went, it wasn’t the worst one I’d heard. I just had to find a way to convince Lauren to go with me.

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