Page 101 of Caught Up

He bumped his forehead against mine. “Why are you so good to me? I don’t deserve it.”

“Because even after everything, I care about you.” More than I was willing to admit. “I don’t want you to turn into your father. I don’t want you to have to hurt anyone else ever again.” I gripped his biceps, squeezing, trying to make him see reason. “It’s not worth losing more of yourself, not now that you have a chance to escape.”

His expression shifted into remorse. “I’m sorry for keeping so much from you.”

I nodded, unable to speak, my head and my heart and my body all warring with each other.

“I don’t want to lose you again, Lo.”

A tear slipped down my face.

He saw it and swore, gathering me up in his arms and turning us sideways on the bed.

“You really hurt me,” I said.

His arms tightened, face pressed to my neck. “I know.”

He was so big, so warm against me, felt so good that I couldn’t help but snuggle closer. His hand rubbed over my back. Whispered apologies fell from his lips.

“I hurt you, too,” I said.

“I deserved it.”

“No, you didn’t.” I finally gave into the need to touch him back and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. “I should have known better than to take my sister’s word as gospel. I should have at least heard you out before accusing you of killing my father.”

“Lauren, stop,” he said. “No one could blame you for how you reacted.”

“I blame me,” I said, more tears wetting my cheeks.

I’d spent my whole life waiting for people to hurt me. And not just because of what Nic had done. Because of what my parents had. Because of what Principal Michaels had. Kelly. All our classmates. My sister. Every one of those betrayals was another brick in the barrier I’d built around my heart, walling it off from the world. I’d convinced myself that if someone hurt you once, they’d do it again and again. So I’d stopped letting them, looking for any excuse to push people away the second things started to get real or messy or hard. Now, seeing how hurt Nic was, I looked back and wondered how many other people I might have harmed with my behavior.

I held Nic tighter, willing myself to let my baggage go, to stop making assumptions and instead let Nic’s actions speak for him. No, he wasn’t perfect—he’d lied and made mistakes, and his methods of protecting me were questionable at best—but here he was, showing up for me, fighting for me, ready to sacrifice himself for me.

“I’m sorry,” I said again. “For how much I tried to push you away.”

“You were only protecting yourself,” he said. “And I went about this the worst way possible. I should have just approached you after Tommy fled and laid all my cards on the table, told you that he’d threatened to kill me and that’s why I lied about us being together back in high school.”

I went completely still against him. “He...what?”

Understanding washed over me, the puzzle pieces finally clicking into place. All this hurt, all this heartache, adecade’sworth of baggage, and somehow, it all came back around to my fucking father.

31

Junior

Shit. I’d done it again,put mywhole-assfoot in my mouth.

Lauren’s arms loosened around me, and I pulled back enough to look at her. “I didn’t mean to keep that from you, I swear. I just had all this other shit filling up my mind.”

“Okay,” she said, and I could tell from the look on her face that this time, she was finally willing to give me the benefit of the doubt, thank god. “Can you please tell me what happened?”

“There’s not much to tell. He found out about the diary somehow and beat the shit out of me. Then he told me if I ever so much as looked at you again, he’d kill me.”

Understanding dawned on her face. “That’s why you weren’t there the Monday I went back to school.”

I nodded. “My face was so swollen I could barely see, so my mom let me stay home most of that week.”

“I’m sorry he did that to you,” Lauren said. “Even at my angriest, I never would have wanted you hurt.”

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