Nix gasps and jumps back out of range. He’s not just afraid—he’s afraid of Rowan.
What?How could he threaten his omega? That’s not what he wants at all.
“Enough,” Nix begs.
“No! It’s not enough. You’re going to get hurt. Hayes is going to say horrible things and then hurt you, like Gideon did yesterday—or worse—and then you’ll be gone forever,” Rowan cries, barely getting the words out past the pain in his chest. “What am I going to do when you’re gone?Bothof you! What will I do? I need you. I need you.”
It hurts. The thought of being without themfucking hurts.Hurts so bad; the wolf howls in agony. He wants Jay to make it stop.
He falls forward into Jay’s waiting arms, and Nix comes in behind, so the three of them collapse in a graceless heap on the floor. His wolf starts howling with despair at the potential loss of his mates—one to violence and the other to insurmountable grief.
Rowan-the-man just leans into his mates and breathes in a sudden flood of vanilla-scented comfort, letting his sobs erupt unfettered.
“Oh, baby. I’m sorry,” Jay whispers.
Rowan doesn’t know for what, exactly—maybe all of it.
After a few long minutes, when Rowan’s cries have settled, Nix says, “Finn told me once that the role of a Pack Alpha is to help us be the best that we can be, in whatever ways we choose. I imagined that means that, even when it’s hard, he has to be the…uh…what’s the word for the strong stand-up-thingy that holds roofs up? You know what I mean?”
Rowan huffs.How can he make Rowan smile when he’s breaking into a million pieces?
“Pillar?”
“Yes. That. A good Pack Alpha is a pillar that holds the roof up over our heads. He lets us do what we need to do, where it’s warm and dry—even if he might think it’s dangerous or scary. He makes it possible for us to be who we are, whether it’s the best of ourselves or the worst. We get to choose, not him. Does that make sense?”
He sees Nix catch Jay’s eye over Rowan’s shoulder, and they have a silent exchange that seems to speak volumes.
“No.” It does, but he doesn’t have to like it. Rowan wants Jay to be a house with a lock on the door and bars on the windows, so nothing bad can get in—not a fucking pillar.
“And I can’t get out?” Nix whispers.
Rowan realizes he’s just said that out loud too, and Nix sounds…sad.Jay tries to speak, but Nix cuts him off.
“Rowan, what you are describing is a prison. I don’t want to tell you too much about before, but I have spent far too much of my life locked away at someone else’s whims, and I will never let that happen to me again. Jamie would never do that to me because he knows it would kill me, and that makes him a good alpha.”
“No, I don’t want you to have to stay here forever. That would be crazy. Just, you know, be safe, and we could go with you everywhere to be sure that no one will hurt you or take you away…”
Getting to his feet, Nix laughs, and it’s bitter-sounding.
“Everywhere? To the store? To the park? When I walk our dog? What about when I want to go to a parent-teacher meeting for our child, Ro? Then? What about when I want to meet your mom for lunch someday? Orgo to a Long Road Home concert?”
“Of course not. Maybe a few of those, but we could decide on a case-by-case basis.” Rowan is scrabbling to make his argument work. He needs Nix safe. He’s afraid he can’t live if he’s not, and he knows Jay can’t either.
And if Jay is gone, who is going to be in charge then?
Who’s going to make shit make sense for Rowan then?
“Who gets to decide, Ro? You? Jamie? Gideon? Does everyone get a vote? Do I? Do I get to vote whether I get to leave this very nice prison you’ve made?
“You know what? No, thank you. I have lived that life, and I am going to fight for every minute of the next hundred years of my life to be free.
“I want to live, Ro. I want to live out there and in here with all of you, but I am going to do it on my terms.
“I need to end Dawson Ulysses Hayes so I can be free of him.
“In here.” Nix touches the center of his forehead with a finger.
“And free of him in here.” He lays a palm over his chest.