Page 89 of Roommating

I gulp. “I worked it out with them to pay late, but yeah.” I take a deep breath and let it out. “Adam thought I should ask you for help right from the start, when I missed out on the scholarship…” I chew my lip. I never told her about that. “But I didn’t want to involve you because I’m a grown woman living on my own. Then you let Audrina move home, and of course I wouldn’t deny her that, but there were no lectures about her getting her act together and being independent. So hereIam, unwilling to ask you for help because you worked so hard for every cent and I don’t want you to use anyof your well-earned retirement money when I’m an adult capable of taking caring of myself, whileAudrinasays she’ll stay even longer than she needs to for acushionand you’re totally okay with it with zero stern talk… and well, I’m just so tired of trying to figure out everything on my own and could really use a cushion too!” I burst into tears again.

Mom blinks. She takes a step back and does a half turn. I think she’s going to walk away from me but then she faces me again with tears inhereyes and pulls me into the tightest hug of my entire life. She squeezes me so hard like she’s afraid I’ll try to wriggle out of her embrace and chants, “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry!” over and over again into my hair. When she finally lets me go, her formerly dewy pink skin is blotchy and her eyes are red. “You’ve been afraid to ask me for help all this time?”

I shrug. “Not afraid as much as… proud maybe? I can’t explain it. You did it yourself. Shouldn’t I try to do the same?” I flash a sheepish smile. “But yes, kind of afraid too.”

She groans. “I didn’t do it all by myself, Brina Bear. I had your grandparents! With both of my parents gone, your father’s were all I had. I didn’t want their help, but I was desperate for it and they were desperate to give it. They couldn’t control their son’s actions, but they could control what happened to his family and begged me to let them help.” Her eyes turn heavy. “They loved you girls so much and were afraid they’d lose you too.”

My eyes well up again. So much for resolving my grandma issues.

As if reading my mind, she says, “We talked about you, you know.”

My breath hitches. “Who? You and Nana?”

She smiles softly. “Yes. She knew you were working through your father issues on some sort of delayed schedule and she hated it.”

My shoulders sag with the weight of my guilt.

“She was less concerned with her own feelings… though of course, she missed your closeness… than knowing you were in pain. We both knew you’d come through the other end eventually.”

“You did?” I wipe my nose.

She nods. “Remember that card you made her? The one where you matched compliments to the letters in her name? Lovely…”

“Energetic!”

“Nice. Angelic.”

I snort. “I was such a dork!”

“You sure were.”

We laugh.

“She knew you loved her. Through all of it.”

Mom’s expression is so earnest, I’m forced to trust her. Iwantto trust her.

“Back to the topic at hand. Don’t put me on a pedestal. I would have lost the house if Lena and Lou hadn’t helped pay the mortgage. And I wouldn’t have eventually built up my own savings if she hadn’t taken care of you girls so I could go to work.” She shakes her head. “I hate that my own daughter isn’t comfortable enough to tell me when she’s struggling. I relied on my mother-in-law the same way you can rely on me.”

I shuffle my feet. “But you always taught us to be independent and not need anyone.”

She sighs. “I was mostly talking about not relying on a romantic partner because I don’t want what happened to me to happen to you, but regardless, financial independenceissomething I want for both of my girls. And I want you to want it as well! I know I drilled it into you and I’m glad you listened to an extent. But it’s rarely something you can achieve uninterrupted over a lifetime. And if you’re lucky enough to have someone to support you when you’re struggling, youaccept it. Why do you think I’ve worked this hard? For you!” She raises and drops her shoulders. “This is a failure on my part. I should have known. I should have asked. I’m asking now. How much do you need?”

My instinct, out of sheer habit, is to insist I don’t need her help or at the most give her a lowball number. I recall Adam saying rather than assume my mom wants me to figure everything out on my own instead of supporting me financially, to give her a chance to decide for herself. I also know she’s serious about wanting to help me. Her tears don’t lie, and also, what’s in it for her to be dishonest?If you’re lucky enough to have someone to support you, you accept it.“An extra few thousand dollars in my bank account would legit help me sleep at night.”

“Done.”

“And maybe a bit more so I can go to Europe with Carley next month?” I grit my teeth, afraid I took her generosity too far.

“Yes. Definitely.” She takes both of my hands in hers. “Listen… none of this means you should stop working hard toward financial independence. I don’t intend to bankroll you through life, but Carley is right that you deserve a break, and even if it means taking time off from work this summer, or pushing back classes until the fall, you should do it. You have your whole life to do the ‘responsible thing,’ and I trust you will. Today, let me be the mom. I won’t always have this opportunity. If it makes it easier for you to say yes, think of it as doingmea favor.” She gives me a wry grin and lets go of my hands.

I hurl myself at her and this time, it’s me squeezing so hard she couldn’t escape my embrace if she tried.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

From: Sabrina F.

To: Adam Haber

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