Page 38 of Roommating

“I sometimes wish I didn’t know mine,” he says, tapping his foot along the sparse grass.

If ever there was an opening to ask for more details about his father, this is it. “Marcia said he kept you from her when he found out she was bi. What was that like?” My shoulders tense up as I brace myself for his reaction to my prodding. “No pressure to talk about it, of course.”

Adam shifts in his seat. “It wasn’t like I saw her every weekend before my grandpa died either, but she stopped being there on holidays and birthdays. I’d get cards and gifts in the mail and the occasional phone call instead, and he never told me why.” He looks at me with wide eyes. “I had no idea it was his doing until I reached out to her directly last year.”

All too familiar with blaming a grandparent for a parent’s failings, I’m tempted to squeeze his hand.

“When I confronted him, he said he was shielding me because I was too young to learn about sex.” He breathes out a laugh. “I was a teenager! It’s not like I didn’t already know just about everything.Some of my close friends were queer.” He rubs aggressively at a speck of dirt on his palm. “I already knew my dad was socially conservative. We fought about it all the time, but I didn’t think he’d shun his own mother. I asked why it bothered him and why it was any of his business in the first place.”

“What did he say?” I hold my breath.

“He brushed me off like he didn’t know himself. There were no antiqueer slurs, but there was no apology or ownership of his homophobia either.” He lets out a heavy sigh. “The worst part is that he’s not a bad father and he loves me. How can someone be a good father but a bad person?”

I figure it’s a rhetorical question and don’t offer an answer.

Adam smiles over at Rocket, who has one end of a piece of tree bark in his mouth while the poodle mix bites onto the other side,Lady and the Trampstyle. “That dog,” he says with obvious affection.

“He’s the best. Marcia told me about him at our first meeting for coffee as if it might be a deal-breaker. It just made me want to move in more.” We’re both still watching the dogs when I say, “I hold a lot of guilt for the way I treated my own grandmother. She was older than Marcia… mideighties… and died my freshman year of college.” The confession comes out before I even realize what I’m saying. I’ve never talked to anyone about this before, but something about Adam makes me want to open up. Or maybe I just want to reciprocate his own transparency.

“What did you do? Push her down the stairs? Withhold her medication?”

I gasp. “Of course not! I didn’tkillher!” I shudder at the thought. Although it might also be the decreasing temperature outside.

Adam chuckles. “Your voice got all serious… I thought maybe it was criminal.”

“Not at all, but it wasn’t right.”

I explain how I completely disregarded all the wonderful things she did for me and acted like it was her who abandoned me and not her son. “I slept over at a friend’s house and saw the way her father doted on her. He was the one who drove us home from the movies and secretly got us ice cream even though we were having dinner soon. He looked at my friend with such love. The love of… well, a father. And all of a sudden, I was hit with what I’d been missing all that time, and it was like someone changed the Spotify playlist from soft rock to rage. I went from wanting to cuddle with my nana in her bed to muttering under my breath and slamming doors. It wasn’t her fault. It was his. But he wasn’t there to take it, and she was.” I wipe my eyes. MyGod. Why can’t I talk about my grandma without crying? Even so, it’s cathartic to say it out loud.

Adam’s eyes go soft. “I’m nearly positive you weren’t as bad as you think you were. All kids rebel against their parental figures. I bet your nana expected it and understood.”

I shrug. “Audrina was always perfect. I had anger issues I’ll never be able to make up for.”

“Even so, your grandma loved you and more than likely knew it was a phase you had to go through and would eventually come out of. Grandmothers are wise that way. Parents are too. It’s how they survive those hormonal teenage years instead of locking their bratty children in the basement until they’re twenty-one. You need to forgive yourself and focus on the good memories.”

I nod. “There are a lot of those. She’d organize game nights every few weeks.” I raise my gaze toward the sky and smile like she’s up there.

“Tell me about them.”

I lower my head to find him studying me like he’s searching forannotations on my skin. My face warms under his scrutiny. “We’d play Scrabble, Life, even theSurvivorboard game. And Nana kicked ass at Jenga. She had the steadiest hands until the end. Probably from all the knitting.”

“See! Focus on that and not the other stuff.” Adam lightly swipes his shoulder against mine before quickly pulling back. “I have my own guilt about Marcia. We spent so many years apart and maybe I should have asked my dad more questions about why she never came around anymore. I waited way too long to reach out on my own.”

“You were a kid!”

He gives me side-eye. “So were you. Anyway, I’m glad I’m here now. I was a little jealous of your bond with her when I first moved in. Like maybe you’re the grandchild she wished she had.” He blushes.

“Well, we’re even because I’mstilla little jealous that you get a second chance to make things right with her. We have an amazing relationship, but you’re her grandson. Sheadoresyou.”

“So much that she gave you the guest bedroom and stuck me on the couch.”

“I pay rent!”

“I know. I’m joking.” He brushes his side against me again but doesn’t move away this time. I shiver again… the full-body kind. I hope Adam doesn’t notice.

His lips quirk because, of course, he notices. “It’s cold and…” He gestures toward Rocket, who’s inched himself away from the small group of other dogs in the run and is curled on his side. “We should get him home before he falls asleep.”

I don’t argue.

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