Page 78 of The Boyfriend Swap

I stared down at the chipped royal blue polish on my fingernails. “Nothing happened. He’s never been my boyfriend. We made up the whole thing.” I closed my eyes and braced myself for her response. The silence on the other end of the phone was unsettling. “You there, Mom?” I sat back down on my bed.

After a pause, she said, “I’m here. I’m just trying to comprehend the last words out of your mouth. Did I imagine the whole week? Was I hallucinating? I only tripped on acid once and it was decades ago. Maybe I need a CAT scan.”

I laughed nervously. “You don’t need your head examined. It wasn’t a bad flashback either. I did bring Will home with me to Christmas. And you don’t need your hearing checked either, because heisthat tone deaf. But we lied about being a couple.”

My mom gasped. “What? Why?”

I let out a deep exhalation. “Because I couldn’t bear more nagging from you guys about dating Perry. Having to defend my taste in men to you, especially when you’re artists yourselves and chose each other—fellow singers—is exhausting.” Before my mom could weigh in, I continued. “At our wine-tasting party before the holidays, Anne Marie’s boss complained about bringing her boyfriend—another attorney—home for Christmas. She was afraid her father, the head partner in her firm, would suffocate them with legal talk and her mother would smother her with questions about their future. She wanted a flaky creative who would be of no interest to her parents, and I wanted a boyfriend with a retirement fund to get you guys off my back. Anne Marie made a joke about trading boyfriends for the holidays and Sidney thought it was a brilliant idea. It took some convincing, but I got on board eventually. I’m so sorry.” My belly twitched in guilt.

“We’ll talk about your father and me in a bit. Of all people to pretend you were dating though—Will Brady, the sole object of your teenage fantasies. How in the world?”

I thought back to my mom cuddling with me the night of my one and only kiss with Will. I’d described it in agonizing detail to root the experience permanently in my memory. Instead of brushing me off as a silly teenager, she listened intently, braided my long hair, and promised Will enjoyed the kiss as much as I did, even if he didn’t admit it. “Sidney referred to him as ‘Will,’ but it never occurred to me it would bemyWill.” My heart hurt at the sound of his name. “I only found out when she introduced us. I practiced nonchalance like it was an acting exercise, but still managed to spill my wine glass across the table. Since I’d already agreed to the swap, I left it in the hands of Perry and Will, assuming they’d be appalled by the idea and I’d be let off the hook. Only Perry was cool with it once Sidney heaped on the incentives for him in the way of networking opportunities and unlimited access to the family’s Steinway & Sons. Will, on the other hand, adamantly refused to participate at first.”

My mom snickered. “Why am I not surprised by Perry? I understand why Will would be hesitant though. Pretending to be someone else’s boyfriend is not a small favor. How did his reluctance make you feel, given your lifelong crush on him?”

I bit my lip as I recalled my paranoia that Will thought I was a freak in high school. “Relieved and hurt at the same time. I questioned if he said no because he didn’t want to go through with the plan in general or because he didn’t want to pretend to be my boyfriend specifically. But somehow Sidney got him to change his mind. She knows how to get her way.”

“So Will isn’t your boyfriend. Is Perry?”

At least I could tell her something I knew she’d want to hear for once. “No. We broke up. So did Sidney and Will.” I told her about Sidney and Perry’s dalliance.

“I think I need a few minutes to let all this sink in.” She sighed. “Scratch that, can you just fast forward to now? How did you leave things? What does any of this have to do with the music program? Do you have genuine romantic feelings for Will? Because if not, you deserve an Emmy award and so does he. He bought you a gift from Pandora, for the love of Apollo. A fake boyfriend wouldn’t go to that extreme.”

There was no point in holding anything back at this point. I told her everything. When I finally confided how Will had asked me out after learning of Sidney’s betrayal but I turned him down, my voice was breaking. The tears, which had been building up behind my eyelids, could no longer be held back and blurred my vision. Wiping my eyes with a tissue, I said, “And that’s it.”

“That’s all? I think I’ll give it three stars. It was kind of one note.”

I was too sad to appreciate my mom’s attempt at humor. “He asked me out and I said no. Even though it was everything I ever wanted, I refused. I didn’t want to win his affections by default or be his consolation prize.” Chewing on a fingernail, I said, “But what if I misread him? What if it was his law firm that saved the music program? He wouldn’t go to such levels if he didn’t care for me, right?” I tossed the used tissue in my garbage can and blew my nose with a fresh one.

“There’s a lot to say here, but I’ll start with an apology.”

“I’m the one who owes you an apology—for lying and making a complete farce of Chrismukkah.” I absently grabbed a fistful of raven hair from the back of my head and pulled it over my forehead. It was long enough to touch my breast bone, and I imagined for a second what I’d look like with short hair. Mine had never been cut above mid-back.

“And I’m sorry you felt the need to bring home a fake romantic partner because you think your parents have no tolerance for your real-life creative boyfriends.”

“I don’t think it. I know it.” I closed my eyes, letting my hair tickle my lids.

“Maybe it seems like we have a problem with your boyfriends’ chosen career paths, but we don’t.”

I opened my eyes and brushed my hair away. “Then how do you explain your relentless teasing while I was dating Troy?” I dated Troy, an actor, right before I met Perry. Troy moved to Los Angeles after landing a supporting role onThe Bold and the Beautiful.

My mom snorted. “Troy’s vocation wasn’t the problem. Troy was. He was a pompous jerk.”

“He just took himself too seriously.” Troy studied method acting. He accompanied me to a rehearsal for one of my spring concerts and directed my students to dig deep into the motivations of their characters. One little boy wanted the Christmas tree he was playing to steal all the presents for himself, a little girl wanted her silver bell to be heard by her grandparents in Florida, and a boy playing a snowman wanted to freeze off his older brother’s fingers. It was chaos. My mother had a point. I giggled. “Fine. I’ll give you Troy.”

“Then there was Phil.”

“What about him?” I clenched my teeth thinking about the guy I dated my senior year of college. I didn’t really need my mother to remind me of his shortcomings.

“Have you forgotten when he came over for Passover and wouldn’t break character? He was playing the starring role in the school’s performance ofIf You Could See What I Hearand insisted you cut his food, dress him, and lead around him the house for two days as if he were actually blind. I’m sorry, Robyn, but we’d support you dating an artist if he were remotely normal. And even if his quirkiness was more annoying than endearing, we’d learn to love him if you did. Robyn, your dad and I didn’t embrace Will because he was a solid attorney. We adored Will because it was obvious you were crazy about him and him about you.”

“I always thought you didn’t want me to get involved with an actor because you were afraid we’d suffer financially. I’ve been wrong all this time?” My heart beat triple time in the realization I’d misjudged my parents for so long.

“Not entirely. Let’s face it, you’re usually drawn to the struggling and them to you. It’s not an easy life, especially since creatives are so intense and feel things like rejection and insecurity so deeply. We lived it and want more security for you, but we’d never stand in the way of true love. I admit to harping on the financial side of things, but it’s mostly because I’m too nice to attack your boyfriends’ less-than-stellar personalities unsolicited.”

I bit on a fingernail. “Confession?”

“Another one? I’m not sure I could handle it, but go on.”

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