Page 49 of Nikolai

Needing coffee, I dress, then navigate through the empty hallways of the house, finally venturing into the kitchen, where I find Marta. "Good morning, Nikolai. How did you sleep?" she asks, then begins to pour me a cup of coffee. She sets it down in front of me.

"I haven't slept much since I've been back," I tell her knowing she would call me a liar if I said otherwise.

"Yes, I can tell." She places a bowl of cooked oats on a tray next to a plate of eggs, toast, and bacon. "Maybe you should consider going back home. Unless there is still work left to be done here." Her eyes lift to my face, waiting for me to reply.

"Is that for Sasha?" I motion to the tray she has lifted from the table.

"Changing the subject, I see," Marta raises her brow but goes with it. "Yes, it is for Sasha."

"I'll take it to him." I drink some of my coffee before standing. Marta hands the tray over.

"You won't find what your heart needs here in Russia, Nikolai. Moving forward is all anyone can do." Marta smiles, then pats my forearm.

I let Marta's words sink in as I climb the stairs on my way to Sasha quarters. Once outside his door, I knock. "Come in," he calls out, and I push open the door. "Nikolai," he pushes himself upright, propping his back against the headboard of his bed. "I haven't seen you for several days. I thought you had left and gone back to Montana."

I set his tray of food across his lap and look him over. His burns are healing faster than expected. He winces as he reaches for his pain meds on his nightstand, but I don't interfere. "How are you doing with therapy?" I ask.

"The nurse finds me insufferable." He pops a pill in his mouth then washes it down with water.

"Then you are well on your way to getting back to your old self," I chuckle.

Sasha eyes me. "Seriously. Why are you still here?"

"To tell you the truth, I don't know."

Sasha sighs then stares out the window across the room. "You won't find answers here, Nikolai. Take it from someone who stared death in the face and lived to tell about it. Don't take the life you were given for granted by letting the past eat at your insides. Go home. Your peace is waiting for you in Polson."

Later that evening, I'm sitting alone, with a drink in my hand, stewing over Sasha and Marta's words from earlier in the day. They're right. What the hell am I waiting for? I've wasted too much time asking for answers to questions that no longer matter. My future is waiting for me in Polson, and I'm not wasting another second of my life without her at my side.

18

Leah

It's after midnight, and still, I can't sleep. Nikolai's house feels different without him. The truth is everything feels different in his absence: work, his home, Polson. He tries to hide it when we talk on the phone, but I know he's struggling with his mother's death. Their relationship had been strained for years, but she gave her life for her son in the end. I sense that's why Nikolai is having a hard time coming to terms with her death. According to Nikolai, his mom spent his life putting herself first. She never did anything unless it benefited her. For her to place herself in front of a bullet for her son was the ultimate sacrifice. I desperately want him here with me so I can talk to him; give him comfort—the kind of support he's given me.

With a heavy sigh, I remove the tea kettle from the burner on the stove, pour the steaming liquid into my cup, then carry it down the hall and into Nikolai's office where I sit on the oversized chair in front of the window. Sitting, I sip my tea and stare out at the backyard. Nikolai insisted I stay here while he is away. If my being here and watched over by Maxim puts his mind at peace, I wasn't going to deny him that.

Hoping to get my mind off missing Nikolai, I grab the book I have been reading from the table beside me and pick up where I left off the night before.

Twenty minutes later, when I realize I have read the same page over and over, I decide to give up on reading. Slamming the book closed, I abandon it and decide on a different tactic and make my way out to the living room.

Running my fingertips along the black and white keys, I close my eyes and let my thoughts take me back to the last time I played. I smile. Sitting on the bench in front of the piano, surrounded by darkness and nothing but the moonlight filtering through the large window as thoughts of Nikolai consume me; only one song comes to mind; I play Midnight Sonata.

I'm completely lost in the music that I don't register, I am no longer alone, and the presence behind me has been watching me for the past five minutes. It's not until I play the final note a familiar scent fills my senses the same time an arm snakes around my middle. The next thing I know, I'm lifted in the air as Nikolai straddles the bench, settling me in his lap, then his mouth crashes down on mine. While holding my head between the palms of his hands, he delves his tongue inside my mouth, tasting me, owning me. He tastes like smoke and whiskey, reminding me of everything I missed.

"I missed you."

"Fuck, I missed you too, Malyshka."

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming home?"

"I didn't want you waiting up for me. Maxim told me you've been looking tired and worn down. He says you haven't been sleeping well. I wanted you to rest. If you knew I was flying back, you would have waited up for me. Why didn't you tell me you haven't been sleeping?"

I shake my head. "It's not a big deal."

Nikolai runs his hand through my hair. "It is."

I sigh. "I've been worried about you."

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