Page 96 of Wistful Whispers
The lump in my throat threatens to rise. “You testified because it was the right thing to do.”
“Was itentirelythe right thing to do?” Something raw and unguarded flickers behind his eyes.
His words slice through my gut. “What are you saying, Seamus?”
“Marcella, I beat off to your picture every fucking night from the day and hour I saw you. I wanted you desperately, despite the fact you were a threat to my own career. Maybe I was so infatuated with you—what I felt, what I wanted—that I didn’t stop to think how my cooperation would play out. Or if you—” He cuts himself off, jaw clenching.
“If I what?” I demand. “If I used you?”
“I’m not saying you did it purposely,” he says quickly. “When I told Madison I was in love with you, she brought up something I can’t un-hear. She wondered if I was so eager to be your hero I didn’t see the full picture. She pointed out the nuances we, as doctors, face every day and asked me if I assumed the worst about Caldwell’s intentions because it justified what I wanted to do.”
“So, you think Imanipulatedyou?” I’m crushed, and not sure I want the answer.
“I think I don’t know,” he says honestly. “I think I’m trying to make sense of all of it. You’re the only person who’s ever made me feel seen. Loved. Wanted. I want to believe what we have is real.”
I pull my knees up and protectively wrap my arms around them. “I never asked you to lie.”
“I didn’t lie.”
“You told the truth.”
“I toldmytruth.” He drags a hand through his hair. “I also assigned blame. I wanted Caldwell to be the villain because it was easier to walk away from the part of me that respected him unconditionally. When I started at UW, I wanted tobehim.”
I watch him in silence, aching in places I didn’t know were still breakable. “Now?”
“Now I don’t know what’s worse.” He winces. “If I was wrong about him and fucked things up or if I was right and fucked things up.”
His words pierce me like dagger, long and jagged. I don’t know how to handle this.
So I tell himmytruth. “I didn’t deliberately use you, Seamus.”
He looks at me, his eyes brimming with unshed tears.
“I’m not saying I wasn’t focused on winning. I was. That’s who I am. I never lied to you about Caldwell. I believed then—and still do—what he did to Miranda was reckless.” I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. “Maybe not malicious. Or intentional.Reckless. I proved the legal standard, cut and dry.”
Seamus exhales, like my explanation matters.
It should.
It also doesn’t fix things.
“At the same time if I had known how deeply I’d end up feeling about you and what your cooperation would cost you professionally…” I trail off. “If I’d known what it would do tousover the past few weeks, I might’ve gone about it differently. Or at least warned you. I couldn’t know it at the time. I’m so sorry. I completely understand why you’d question me. I only hope you can feel how much I truly love you and would never intentionally do anything to hurt you.”
“I believe you.” He nods again, though his eyes are focused on the floor. “Unfortunately, there’s more. Apparently Caldwell’s legal team is circling a few of the women I was—with.”
“What?” My blood goes cold.
“Trying to paint me like some sex-crazed deviant.” He meets my eyes. “The worst part? He doesn’t have to lie to make me look bad. I gave him the ammunition.”
“Bullshit.” I’m on my feet now, anger burning up my spine. “You never had power over them. They came to you.”
“Marcella, I’m a big, imposing man who used the stairwell like a fucking makeshift motel,” he spits out bitterly. “You think anyone’s going to care I was technically propositioned in the first place? Believe I never crossed the line into fucking them?”
“I care,” I whisper.
“In the beginningyouquestioned my reputation.” He scrubs his face with his hand. “It’s how he’s going to bury me and make it impossible to get hired. The only reason I’m submitting this proposal is Dr. Madison said she’d consider working with me if I can navigate out of this situation. She’s not going to take sides.”
I nestle into his side and take his hand. “This I can help you with. You fight back. Tell the truth. All of it.”
