Page 23 of The Outlaw's Code

Levi shot me a concerned look but didn’t add anything else to the conversation, like he wanted to give me some space. The quiet settled between us, as I let the alcohol work in my system, warmth flooding my veins. It couldn’t hold a candle to the warmth I’d felt around Calder, but it was a good enough substitute for now.

And as I melted against the couch, I wondered if this was how it was going to be for the rest of my life.

Good enough.

Only good enough.

Never great. Never perfect. Never what I wanted.

Not without Calder by my side.

I wasn’table to sleep. Not really.

Not even with the bourbon in my system.

I’d only been able to close my eyes here and there, my brain too restless to slip into the deep sleep I so desperately needed. I’d been staring at my bedroom ceiling, idly wondering what Calder was up to, where he was. I’d half been expecting him to show up at my cabin door after Levi left, useless words pouring out of his mouth, explaining how his promises weren’t reallyhis. He’d want me to know that the Calder at Stratton Ranch wasn’t the real Calder, not the one that mattered.

I groaned as the wind rattled the windowpanes, the pain in my chest radiating throughout the rest of my body.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I’d never let anyone get to me like this, not before Calder. I’d always had my head on my shoulders when it came to romance,when it came to love. I’d never fallen for anyone before, always quick to call things off or step to the side when things took up too much of my time. I was pragmatic and practical, not the kind of person who tossed and turned in bed because some cowboy had broken their heart.

And yet, no matter how much I tried to remind myself that I was a person who always put logic first, the pain remained. I couldn’t stop thinking about Calder and Vanessa, if they’d already decided to drive home together. What if Calder wasn’t even on Stratton Ranch anymore? What if he was long gone, back in the city, already forgetting all about me?

Could Calder forget about me?

I couldn’t forget about Calder, no matter how hard I tried. I had a feeling Calder was going to haunt me for the rest of my life, some part of me always hoping that he was somehow right around the corner. I’d be looking for him forever, wanting to know that he was okay, wanting to see him even if he never wanted to see me again. It was going to become like breathing to me, holding out hope, wondering if he was thinking about me, too.

Finally, I closed my eyes.

But I didn’t dream, the darkness taking over me as I slipped underneath it.

10

CALDER

I never plannedon going back.

I woke up on the couch, a feeling of certainty settled in my chest. Memories had floated through with the morning, everything finally snapping into place. Without uttering a word to Vanessa, I dashed out of the cabin, not stopping until I reached the stables. I swiftly saddled my horse and headed out to the southern ridge of the ranch, memories still playing like a movie in my mind. It was overwhelming, everything swimming through my brain at once. I felt like I needed to be somewhere where I could just breathe, where I could just be.

I never planned on going back to Vanessa.

That last argument between us was going to be our final conversation. I didn’t have any intentions of talking to her ever again, blocking her on my phone that morning and getting ready for work. I’d been working on a nearby ranch, the storm throwing me off my path, somehow bringing me towards Stratton. There was nothing left of Vanessa and me, which had felt like there was nothing left of me, either.

Or at least, the me I’d been pretending to be. The old Calder had been committed to something false, an image he wanted toproject for other people. I was so invested in the falsehood that I’d lost myself in it, thinking it was real. It was like a magician falling for his own tricks, forgetting that he’d orchestrated every moment.

Is it cruel of me?

Creating that same world of illusion for Vanessa, pretending so well that she’d fallen for it, too. No wonder we were on again, off again. Each time she’d figured out the trick, I’d change things up just enough to keep her hooked, to keep us going. At the time, I’d just thought it was us against the world, that our love was tumultuous because it was fated. If it was true love, it wasn’t supposed to be easy, it was supposed to be epic.

But nothing could’ve been further from the truth.

I took a deep sigh as the wind hit against my face, images of Shane hitting me at the same time.

My Shane. My cowboy.

It’d been so simple with him, so easy, so real. I remembered moments with him long before my accident, our polite exchanges, the way I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I’d been attracted to Shane before but knew that I would never act on it, too ashamed of who I was to ever admit it. I’d convinced myself that he represented a forbidden fruit, my desire for him a part of me I was never going to let come to the surface for air.

---