Page 10 of Poison Vows

A sense of confusion.

Loss.

Apprehension.

Fear.

And something else that feels a lot likedesperation.

July 29

We left in the middle of the night.

Without saying goodbye to anyone, even Grammy.

Samuel said if we stayed, we would lose Grammy.

He hasn’t forgiven me for Gramps’s death.

I guess this is what I deserve.

Being tossed away…

Unlovable.

Unwanted.

After this entry that shocks me to the core, she starts writing other things, including the loneliness and suffering of being exiled so far away from home.

She describes her nightmares where she sees her grandfather, blurry images of the other cars, the sounds of a screaming woman...

Everything is so acutely that it feels like I’ve entered into her agony-filled world.

Dazed, I read further.

August 5

I hate it here!

But… I can’t complain to my brother.

I deserve this suffering.

I deserve to be alone.

I deserve the nightmares.

I deserve to be alone.

But… I can’t forget him.

The entries stop for a while, as if she abandoned her emotions.

Until the next entry stops me dead in my tracks.

September 3

Samuel came to visit for the first time.

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