Page 200 of Poison Vows

Emmett’s eyes narrow with confusion, as if what I’m saying is a given. “Of course you do, Angel. I know that.”

“No, you obviously don’t…” I croak, feeling an urgent need to burst into tears, but I hold steady. “And that’s my fault, and I want to apologize to you like I should’ve done a long time ago. If I had, maybe everything that happened, all the manipulation, calculation, chaos, unwanted sympathy, and pain…”

“Angel—”

“I’m sorry!” I quickly say, cutting him off. “I’m truly, sincerely, and deeply sorry, Emmett. For my stupid feelings that inconvenienced the both of us. For my stupidity that caused a mess. I’m so sorry for being so desperate in my need and desire for you. For making it so damn obvious that I wanted you to love me, but most of all, I’m sorry for making your life hell when I hovered and lingered around you after you clearly told me you don’t feel anything for me. I should’ve kept my heart to myself, maybe then I would’ve let go quicker, healed better.”

Emmett has never looked at me the way he’s looking at me now, as if he’s lost, angry, uncertain… and afraid.

“No, Angel, please listen?—”

“No, you listen to me. I think I never quite articulated myself, which is why I so easily got trapped here,” I tell him, as the beginnings of a potent sorrow rise up in me. “Do you remember that rainy day in the park when we made that unbreakable agreement?”

He jerks his head in a nod.

“I asked you for something.”

A sad, bitter smile grows on my face as I recall the time I tearfully begged Emmett not to abandon me. Judging from theway he looks at me now, his arms flexing around me, I know he remembers too.

“I want to tell you that it’s okay now. I no longer need you to do me that favor.” I take a deep breath then continue. “See, I’m a person that has always been desperate to be loved. To be kept forever. To feel secure. To know that I’m so loved that I won’t be abandoned at any second. I believed the problem was me. That I was easily forgettable and could be left behind without any hesitation. I was too stupid, too sick, too mediocre, too unsightly, too…”

“Stop. Talking!”

The two words are gritted out with such booming venom that if he wasn’t holding me, I would’ve jumped.

“Shut your poisonous mouth right fucking now!” Emmett seethes. “You’re fucking none of that!”

“Maybe,” I whisper brokenly. “But it was real to me. I believed it and that’s the thing about self-belief based on trauma, your entire behavior shifts to defend against that truth, so with you I gave it my all.”

In this moment, I bare my entire heart and soul to this monster.

I rip open all the hastily stitched wounds and cracks and bleed out.

“I didn’t mind you knowing that I was in love with you. I wanted you to always know. Because for me I thought if you knew, then you’d love me back. But someone who loves you, like truly loves you, doesn’t pick and choose when they want to be in your life. Even if they struggle, they do their best to stay present for the ones they love. I’ve seen it several times when I interned at Grammy’s hospital. Even sick and dying, they would do anything and everything for their loved one.”

I stop, hating the way my voice has grown hoarse and low with tremendous sadness.

“Loving you is not something I wanted the world to know, but having you know was everything to me. I hoped you would want to live for me. To live and love with me.”

Emmett hooded gaze only intensifies but still refusing to let me go.

“I just didn’t know that you truly didn’t see me as valuable enough for that, and so it didn’t take long for me to start breaking apart,” I whisper. “It killed me when I saw you kiss Astraea back then, but I still stupidly hoped that you were mine because of the way you silently took care of me, watched over me, talked to me.”

“Who else would I talk to but you?” he suddenly asks, his voice low and gruff. “Who else has my attention, my focus, but you, Ivy?”

I shake my head as if physically warding off the honey trap in his words.

“Yes, because you needed to keep me in line and close enough in case I remembered the night your mother disappeared. I get it now, but I still can’t pretend that I didn’t fall for you.”

“I don’t want you to pretend.”

I stop breathing.

Aches, pains, agony… that’s all unrequited love is at its core.

It’s not cute, nor is it inspiring.

It’s nothing but a brave defeat that hurts like hell.

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