Page 74 of Conflicted Lies

Maybe it’s time I consider having a conversation with my aunt. Am I really that far gone? Am I really unable to hide it anymore?

I turn and head in the direction I gave my driver.

Everything feels like it doesn’t make sense anymore, and it’s crumbling around me. But I don’t think I’m ready for that conversation with Anya. Maybe if I cut out Braxton for good, this part of me won’t resurface. Maybe he’s the catalyst that’s ruined me. But deep down, I know that’s a lie because these invasive thoughts and impulses started long before he entered my life.

CHAPTER38

Braxton

My mother parks herself on the pavement outside my apartment. I’m sure she looks like a beggar to those who walk past. She’s desperate, and she’s lucky I didn’t remove her myself after she accosted Hope. I don’t know what they spoke about, but whatever it was, it shook my mother so profoundly that she fell over herself. I couldn’t help but smirk at that.That’s my girl.

Hope is running away. Again. I didn’t think she’d stay, but I find it interesting when she reacts in ways I didn’t expect her to. Just when I think I’ve studied her enough to know everything about her, she surprises me. I’ve come to realize she’ll forever be a mystery to me. Her brilliant mind, that is. But not her body. I’m attuned to her needs as much as I am my own.

Letting her have that power over me, to feed off the control of the situation, was the most beautiful fucking thing I’ve ever seen. She very well could’ve blown my brains out. In fact, I know she contemplated it more than once. The killer in her shines through when those thoughts cross her mind, and she fucking got off on it. Loved the idea of killing me while she fucked me.

I wonder if it’s me and what we mean to each other that she’s scared of. Or if it’s her own depravity that drives her to run away. Either way, I know she’s right. Her family will eventually find out about us if they haven’t already. And if anyone at the precinct finds out, I’m equally fucked. But I refuse to stay away.

Dating Lena Love’s daughter would get me applause but connecting her to Alek Ivanov will bring my badge into question.

I get ready for work, dressing in a long-sleeved shirt, beanie, and coat. It’s forecast to start snowing soon, so having to bundle up is convenient, considering how much the little she-devil marked me. Shortcake my ass; she’s complete sin. But she’s my fucking sin.

I might still be unsure how to handle Hope Ivanov, but I’ve figured out how to manage the only other woman who has ever had an impact on my life. The one who has felt like a noose around my neck.

If I thought my association with Hope would rock my career and threaten everything I’ve built, then I’ve sorely underestimated the power my mother still holds over me. Sometimes, not being able to completely cut ties brings unwanted attention and discomfort.

I hate my mother. Even though, deep down, I held a small spark of hope that someday she’d turn into the parent I needed as a child. But that’s an idea I’ve long left behind. Her intercepting Hope makes me comprehend with startling clarity that I have to cut her out of my life completely.

Hope may not accept me, but I know she’s the only woman for me. And I don’t want something as filthy as my mother or my past reaching out and grabbing for her or me any longer. Some baggage has to finally be discarded.

I wish I didn’t feel this way about my mother. My therapist told me I should be grateful to her, to some degree, for bringing me into this world. But I’m not. She never treated me like a son, only a problem. And just like she kicked me out of her life when I was fourteen, I’ll now do the same to her.

When I step outside the apartment building, she immediately jumps into my path, blocking me from getting to my car. She drops to her knees. “Please.Please,” she begs.

I’m sick of being the one to dictate who is good and bad. Teddy deserves to be in prison even if I don’t know what crime he’s been picked up for this time. I can’t protect or save everyone. In fact, I’m the furthest thing from a hero—if you don’t count my last name.

“It’s not going to happen, Mother.” I shove my hands in my coat pockets, speaking my truth. “I hope they kill him in jail. I hope that one day when you’re standing at his funeral, it registers what a fucking lowlife he is and everything he’s done to cause you harm. I also hope one day you realize how you have no right to come to me for help when the only time you’ve ever lifted your hand was to beat me instead of help me. You don’t get to come here pretending to be a victim because your supplier’s been imprisoned. Tell me, is it the fact that Teddy’s gone to jail that hurts most, or because you’ve run out of your stash and don’t know who to go to now?”

Her expression morphs from desperate to angry as she stands and lifts her hand. I catch her frail wrist as she attempts to slap me across the face. “You ungrateful piece of shit. How dare you speak so little of me,” she snarls.

“It’s an offense to hit a police officer,” I tell her.

“I am your mother.”

“You lost that title a long time ago.” I push her hand away and step around her.

“What, you think you’re better than me because you have some fancy apartment and live in the city? Fucking useless. You always have been!” she seethes. “Think because you can impress some rich little princess that you’ve forgotten your roots!”

I turn then and take two steps back toward her. She cowers, her face stricken with fear, and it embodies everything I hate. That she lashes out, but she’s so used to men who hit her and beat her as if she’s no better than a dog. It makes me feel dirty. I would never hit her or any other woman.

“I suggest you leave. Move away from that trailer park before people start coming for money. If you don’t, I might lock you up with him myself.” I have no intention of seeing my mother ever again after this, but I know whatever business Teddy is involved with isn’t the kind that will go away with him. Especially if he’s still dealing like my previous reports indicated.

She seems to think on it for a second before she takes a step back and spits at me. I knew I would never have a relationship with this woman, but this just confirms it. I hate her. Even calling her “mother” is an insult to those who arerealmothers.

And although I might not know what that type of love feels like, I’ve met a woman who’s shown me just how a woman can step into their own power.

It’s a choice.

My mother will never grow or change, and I simply can’t accept who she is.

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