Page 34 of Quest

Midst these weighty worries, there was comforting solitude in being the only one awake in such a sacred place, with the moon and stars as my sole companions. I welcomed their gentle light, a cool illumination alongside Lumis’s warmer glow. Even after a lifetime of enduring the cursed night I still found the darkness unsettling when alone, the oppressive shadows bringing back memories of those difficult years feeling trapped as the kingdom awaited the light’s return each morning…a hope never realized until our new queen finally dispelled the curse with her magic.

The reminder of that prolonged darkness made this moment beneath the star-speckled sky all the more precious. The moonsilver herbs’ soft luminescence cast a serene silver glow, beneath whose reverent stillness the quiet pulse of magic flowed, a wordless symphony that washed over me in a wave of nostalgia. The plants whispered in a language reminiscent of home—felt more than heard, each leaf and blossom stirring memories of my father and the apothecary we nurtured together.

The garden around me seemed to breathe with the life of all the plants I had ever known, each one a thread woven into the tapestry of my apothecary’s life. My fingers traced the soft petals of the nearby blossoms clustered along the edge of the pond whose clear surface reflected the starry sky. The tactile sensations transported me back to the cluttered warmth of our shop. I could almost smell the familiar blend of herbs, hear the gentle clink of glass as my father meticulously ground dried leaves, his voice a comforting hum as he recited each plant’s properties, an integral part of my childhood’s soundscape.

Lost in these reflections, I found myself drifting, the lines between past and present blurring as drowsiness pressed against my thoughts. My eyelids grew heavy, the weight of the day’s climb and the peace of the garden coaxing me towards sleep. The memories continued to unfurl in my mind as I unknowingly succumbed to slumber, taking on new shapes and forms as they shifted from beautiful recollection to something far more unsettling.

The memory of the comforting walls of my apothecary twisted into gnarled, shadowy figures, while the familiar scent of herbs soured the air. My father’s reassuring presence faded into the distance, replaced by a creeping fog that whispered the doubts and insecurities that had haunted me my entire life. The plants around me withered as the darkness from the cursed mountain seeped into my dream, distorting the moonlit tranquility into a scene of desolation.

I found myself alone, desperately gathering wilted herbs as the shadows encroached, mirroring my deepest fear of inadequacy. “You are not enough,” the darkness hissed. “Not enough to protect or to heal.” These taunting whispers relentlessly attacked my thoughts, the pressure to uphold my family’s legacy and master the secrets entrusted to me weighing like a physical force, crushing with its intensity.

A sudden cold breeze swept through the garden, jerking me awake. My heart pounded as the remnants of the nightmare clung to my thoughts, the eerie echo of the darkness’s taunts still ringing in my ears. I took several shaky breaths to steady my breathing. Gradually the nightmare faded as the real, gentle whispers of the plants filling the serene garden grounded me back to reality, their peaceful reassurances a stark contrast to the sinister horrors of my dream.

“Are you alright?”

I startled at the voice that had become almost as familiar as my own and turned to see Prince Darcel awake, crouching a few meters away. I hadn’t noticed him while shaking off the last tendrils of sleep, but now I sensed he’d been watching me awhile…which meant he’d noticed I’d fallen asleep at my post.

Rather than reprimand me, he only appeared concerned as he took in my droopy eyes. “You seem tired. Why don’t you rest and allow me to take the rest of the watch?”

Shame burned my cheeks that once again he was forced to make up for my shortcomings. “I’m sorry, I promise to be more vigilant. Please allow me to continue the watch.”

He sighed. “Why are you so determined to push yourself?”

“I don’t want to be a burden.” If only I could share the other reason for my stubborn insistence. Though my current disguise meant my deepening feelings would remain forever unrequited, friendship was still within my reach, only made possible if he viewed my identity as Ren favorably…which meant I had to do all within my power to be a strength on our journey rather than a hindrance.

He considered me a moment, and upon seeing my resolve, conceded the fight. “Then I will stay up with you and we’ll finish the watch together.”

I blinked in surprise. “You’re giving me my way?”

“I cannot begrudge you for your determination, so at the very least you must allow me to support you.” He scooted close enough that our knees nearly grazed. My body shuddered even at this almost contact and I had to fight the impulse to lean away, not wanting him to misinterpret the distance when in truth all I wanted was to be close to him.

Unable to bear the force of the gentle kindness filling his dark eyes, I lowered my own to the silver-dappled terrain. “You’ve already helped me more than I deserve after my initial hostility towards you. I don’t mean to be so weak.”

“The fact that you fell asleep on your very first watch in no way invalidates the instances you’ve already proven invaluable,” he said gently. “A quest is made up of different members, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. Kael’s role is tracking, Jiang’s is to serve as our guard, and yours is to concoct herbal remedies and share your unique knowledge that will be key to breaking the curse’s lingering hold. Please don’t be too hard on yourself when you fail to meet your own unrealistic expectations.”

His advice illuminated a weakness born from my past that I hadn’t realized until this moment I possessed. The tendency to take on more than necessary was a habit I’d likely developed after Mother’s death, when Father only had me to rely upon. In addition to the duties and responsibilities my role as his only child entailed, I’d subconsciously spent my entire life trying to make up for the fact I hadn’t been born the male heir part of me had always feared my parents had secretly hoped for, efforts which desperately tried to live up to not only Father’s legacy but the generations of renown herbalists that preceded me.

I yearned to share these revelations with Prince Darcel, but too much of my complicated feelings were entangled in my true identity as a girl…which included my lingering hurt in His Highness’s own doubts as to my capacity when he’d met me as Mei that had caused him to forbid my coming on the quest in my father’s place, leading me to assume this mistaken identity that prevented me from getting as close to him as I yearned.

I considered how to share a portion of my feelings while in my current disguise. “I suppose I feel a subconscious need to prove myself, considering I’m not the one you initially sought for help. But those desires go deeper—I want to prove to my legacy that I’m capable of the mantle entrusted to me.”

Prince Darcel’s expression softened. “I understand that all too well. Though I’ve been born to a life of privilege, my title comes with its own challenges. My role as the second prince has always made me feel like I had to earn my royal position when I didn’t have the expectation of ruling the land as king. It’s always a difficult path being expected to carry expectations that don't align with what we might choose for ourselves. One frequent danger is that I sometimes find myself setting unrealistic expectations for others.”

A haunted look filled his eyes as he stared across the surface of the star-dappled pond, a reminder that he bore his own challenges not immediately apparent. Even if our burdens were different, this small connection deepened the affinity I felt towards him, inviting me to share more of my unspoken confessions.

My gaze drifted to the moonlit herbs that surrounded us, their glow a silent testament to the enduring magic of my ancestors. “I truly love working with plants and can’t imagine any other path, yet the weight of expectation can be so heavy at times—not just from my father but from the lineage of herbalists that came before me. It’s like carrying a legacy that’s not fully meant for me, but one I must uphold regardless, leaving me often wondering whether I’m as capable as they hope.”

“Perhaps we’re expecting too much of ourselves,” Prince Darcel replied, his soft voice a warm timbre in the cool night air. “All that is likely required is simply doing our best to continue walking the path our legacy carved for us, even when the journey is unclear.” His eyes met mine, holding a depth of sincerity that made my breath catch. “Please allow me to assure whatever doubts you might harbor towards yourself that you are more than capable, Ren. You’ve shown courage and wisdom far beyond what many might expect. I was wrong to ever doubt your capabilities, and for that I sincerely apologize.”

He bowed his head in humble apology. A gesture meant to comfort instead only deepened my ever-present guilt for my deceit. I didn’t deserve the trust and kindness he extended. A mixture of gratitude and frustration swelled as I nodded. “I hope to live up to that.”

This hope held more meaning than I could share. I longed to tell him everything—to reveal who I was and share my true struggles—but the layers of my disguise and the complexities of my true identity held me back…as well as the fear that my exposed deceit would cause me to lose this friendship that had become so precious to me.

Silence settled around us, the only sound the gentle rustle of the herbs in the breeze, leaving nothing to distract me from his soothing breathing or the feelings stirred by his presence. This moment with him helped me realize how much I had come to rely on him—his company, once a source of conflict, was now something I cherished, a beacon that illuminated the darker, more difficult aspects of our quest.

He was silent a moment before posing a question with noticeable reluctance. “Was it a nightmare that woke you?” His voice carried a hint of hesitation, as if unsure whether to broach the subject.

I flinched, ashamed that he’d not only witnessed me asleep during the night watch, but that I continued to be plagued by a nightmare of a time the light’s return should have caused me to long forget, lost in my past where it belonged. “How did you know?”

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