Page 98 of Façade

His gaze flickered down to our hands, resting close enough to touch. For a moment he looked as if he wanted to bridge the short distance to graze my skin with his thumb, but instead he yanked away and turned to leave…only to pause.

“I know I have no right to ask, but how long have you known you were the real princess?”

At first I was determined to ignore him, but the part of me that missed conversing with him proved far stronger than my stubborn determination to continue my silent treatment. “I discovered the truth just before you woke up at the monastery. Until then, I truly thought I was a nobody.”

His expression softened. “Oh Evie, princess or not, you’ve never been anobody.” With those parting words, he went to his bed awaiting him on the other side of the clearing, leaving my heart pounding wildly as I stared after him.

Why was the man making it so difficult to hate him?

My not-exactly-hating Ryland despite my lingering anger continued as I settled for bed, but sleep remained elusive as the night stretched on and the cover of darkness gently lured my heart out from behind the defenses I’d erected to protect my vulnerable emotions.

At first I thought the uncomfortable ground was to blame for my restlessness, or perhaps it was the rocks digging into my back through the bedding that kept my thoughts fixated on the man I was trying and utterly failing to forget. If his personality were only comprised of his quirky hobby I might have managed it, but with every sharp stone I felt as I tossed and turned, my thoughts became consumed by every reason Ryland was so muchmore.

I rolled over to face the direction where he lay afar off, but even facing him did little to quench this annoying need. Drat it all, I missed him.

As if my heart yearned to keep him close in any way that it could, I thought about him long into the night as I explored every memory from our time together, the vast majority filled with light and joy. His kindness, his patience, his teasing, his protection, his thoughtfulness. While my hurt might have poisoned these memories during the day, the starry night acted as a shield to protect them as the precious moments they were.

The pain afflicting my heart gradually faded with each reminiscence, allowing the truth my anger had blinded me to to settle over me: though Ryland had betrayed me, I couldn’t reconcile his actions with what I knew of him, nor could one devastating mistake, which he’d done his best to atone for, erase all the good. Deep down, I knew he hadn’t maliciously hurt me; everything I knew about him and every witness of his protective nature confirmed he hadn’t done what he had without strenuous wrestlings.

The thought made me yearn to forgive him, even as I questioned the wisdom of extending such grace. First my parents had deceived me, followed by Ryland, giving me reason to fear I couldn't trust my own instincts after being lied to so much…even as I couldn’t deny I wanted to give him another chance and open my heart back up to him.

Could I willingly choose to take such a risk in moving past my hurt if it meant I could keep him? These ponderings continued through the endless night, and with the arrival of dawn I still didn’t feel any closer to an answer.

CHAPTER32

Sleep had eventually visited me in brief, elusive patches throughout the night, and now exhaustion gripped each of my movements as I assisted in the preparations for the final day of our journey. I could almost sense Ryland’s concern stretching across the vast distance I kept firmly established between us. It took considerable effort to resist the temptation to spare him even a single glance.

When the time came to depart, Silas stepped forward to help me mount and Ryland lost hold over the willpower keeping him back. His sudden presence at my side set my heart pounding. Silas tensed and immediately reached for his sword, but Ryland paid him no mind, his attention riveted solely on me.

“You look exhausted, Evie. Did you not sleep well?”

Last night’s battle between longing to forgive him and wanting to cling to my justified anger hadn’t ended with any clear victor, but his sweet concern was making it difficult to maintain the shield I’d erected to protect my heart. I wanted to quip thathewas the reason sleep had remained so elusive, but such a response would launch us into a battle of words I currently didn’t have the strength for, so I simply shook my head.

Worry furrowed his brow. “No biting retort, you must really not be feeling well.”

He reached out as if to stroke my hair…only to pause and allow his hand to drop limply to his side. In my moment of weakness I almost gave him permission to touch me. How I wished for it, even now.

“Perhaps we should delay our journey until you’re feeling—”

I shook my head sharply, rejecting his offer. “I want to return to Estoria as soon as possible.”

Rather than argue, he only frowned. “Then at the very least it’d be wise for you not to ride alone. I could—” He hesitated as he remembered why that wasn’t a good idea. “You should ride with your guard.”

Reluctance shrouded the suggestion, a fight against his own desires; he seemed worried enough that I wondered whether he’d disregard my wish for distance in order to see to me himself, but he stepped away with his hands firmly behind his back, as if to better resist the impulse to reach for me. Yet his desire tried to stretch the distance his choices and betrayal had forged between us.

His respect for my desires only reminded me of the goodness that even his devastating offense couldn’t quench. My heart twinged, adding yet another casualty to the side of my inner battle that wanted nothing more than to forgive him.

Silas’s protection enveloped me as he stepped beside me. “I will see to the princess’s welfare.” His hand hovered over his sword, as if daring Ryland to protest, but he simply nodded.

“So long as she’s protected.” He started to turn away but paused to glance back. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

I wish he’d stop asking; it only made everything harder. Tears clogged my throat as I nodded again.

“If you ever need anything…” After a final lingering look he departed, leaving me staring after his retreating back. I hungrily watched his every movement as he prepared to mount his own horse…without me. I ached to accept his offer to ride with him, and for a moment my mind wandered from my hurt to imagine what such an experience would be like.

These daydreams only grew more vivid when Silas helped me onto my horse and mounted behind me. His strong presence against my back and his protective arms that came around me to hold the reins felt so intimate, a moment I longed to share only with my former husband. His hurtful betrayal should have been a strong enough deterrent to crush every tender feeling and desire I’d ever felt towards him…only they hadn’t, which only made everything far more difficult.

The battle that had consumed my night and robbed me of sleep recommenced, keeping my mind occupied for the duration of the morning into the early afternoon as time melted away.

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