Page 230 of Sins & Secrets

The floor protests as I walk, and I let the feeling that someone was in here leave me. I have the security system … but I think I’d like a dog.A big dog.

The corners of my lips tip up into a smile as I walk down the stairs.

Pushing back the hair from my face, I slink down to the kitchen and turn on the light. It’s early, but I’m starving. To sleep, or not to sleep becomes the question.

It only takes a glass of water, two Twinkies and a couple handfuls of grapes before I don’t feel so hungry anymore and sleep is calling me upstairs again.

Passing through the dining room, I check over my shoulder just to make sure there’s no one here. That eerie feeling still clings to me.

I think I’ll name the dog Brutus. My lips purse as I wonder how dogs do with infants … I make a mental note to look that up first thing tomorrow.

I think I’m starting to reallyfeelpregnant. It’s beyond being exhausted. It’s something else, something that makes me rub my belly and talk to him or her as if they’re already here. Some type of knowing and it makes me smile.

Before I can head back upstairs, my eyes catch sight of the flowers on the table. The flowers Jacob sent me when Henry died are already wilted. Bright yellow sunflowers. They’re large and the stems are thick. They’ll eventually die and by the look of them, that time is coming soon. What a shame … that’s what flowers do, though. They die.

Next to the vase is my laptop and I absently pull it toward the edge of the table then take a seat. My body aches, my hips especially, and sitting up feels better than lying down. I might as well get a little work in before I try to sleep again.

A yawn leaves me as the dim light of the computer brightens.

Studying the flowers again, I think about how twisted it is that I turned down a man who could have been perfect for me. A shrink might have something to say about that decision. My fingertips brush gently along the petals. I’ll never know if we could have been more, but right now I’m content with that decision.

It’s time I took control of my life.

My to-do list is already set. First step: I need a new place. Somewhere near the Manhattan Bridge, I think. It’s far more family friendly. Dog friendly too.

I check my messages and emails, simply out of habit. A few of the candidates I picked to interview to be my personal assistant emailed me back. There are two of them I really like. I might actually hire both of them. Maybe that’s really the first step. And then finding the perfect place will be step two. A smile plays across my lips and I nod to myself in approval of my “early morning can’t sleep, aha” moment.

Those two tasks are momentous and huge leaps for me. Delegating work and settling down somewhere my child can have deep roots. Resting my hand on my belly, I promise I’ll make it happen. I may have failed to be there for Evan, but for this baby, I’ll do anything. I’ll have it all fixed and ready before this one gets here. He or she will never know this place or all the hell that went on here.

My gaze drifts across the room and the night that started it all plays out in front of my eyes. Suddenly, it hurts. That numbing prick comes back. It’s been happening like that. I’m so sure, so ready to move on … and then I remember. The visions of myselfsitting there in the dining room chair like a ghost, drinking wine and wanting to deny it, and at the same time hating Evan because I knew he was lying.

A dreadful breath leaves me, and a sadness weighs down on my chest, but there’s conviction there too.

A new place, a new way of life. My fingers drift to my belly button and then lower. A new life entirely.

Diary Entry Six

Hey Mom,can I take back what I said? I don’t think I want to be alone.

I don’t think alone is the right word. Alone hurts my heart a lot. It hurts more than I want to admit. Mom, it feels like the worst thing in the world sometimes. Now that I know what it’s like to not be alone, I’m not sure that’s really what I want.

I think that’s why I clung to Jake. I just didn’t want to be alone. You probably knew that, didn’t you?

More than that, I want to be loved by someone who can love me the way I need and I can admit that.

How did you know Dad loved you the way you needed? I just laughed a little writing this. I’m sure he made it obvious. He didn’t hurt you like Evan does to me.

I hope what Evan did doesn’t make you mad. I don’t think he means it. I think he doesn’t know any better and I knew that when I married him.

Everything has settled now, and I know I want more, Mom. I really want someone to love me.

I want them to love me like Evan used to love me.

I don’t know if it’s possible.

I’m going to find someone one day. There’s a lot to do between now and then, but I promise I won’t settle for being alone.

Maybe not now. I don’t know when. I’m not going to use them or compare them to Evan. It’ll take time, but I think eventually I’ll be able to do this.

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