Page 214 of Sins & Secrets

It’s not from a fear of loss. It’s not because I’m disappointed in myself. It’s not even because I’m hopeless.

When you shed tears over something that’s truly gone, those are the tears that never leave you. They drown your soul and take a piece of your heart. That’s what death does.

I have to force myself to text Evan once I’ve finished speaking with the doctor.Call me as soon as you can, please. It’s urgent,Evan.I can’t help that I add,I love you.I’m not conflicted about adding it either, because I do.

I can’t tell Evan the news over the phone, though. I want to be there for him. To hold him and ease the pain. Even more, I need him to hold me right now.

I hesitate but then add,It’s about your father.

The phone shifts out of focus as my eyes blur and my hand shakes, but I hear it ping after only a small moment.

It’s not Evan, though, it’s Jake.Hey, you want to grab coffee?

I have to force myself not to message him. I have to force myself not to tell him that I’m not okay. With how badly I want to be held, I wish I could, but I refuse to use him.

But after an hour going by and a dozen more text messages unanswered by Evan, I cave. I have to tell him, and so I do. I tell him over a text that his father passed away and after crying for hours and seeing that he read it, I still get nothing back.

I text Jake,I’m not okay.

CHAPTER 14

Evan

She won’t wait for you forever,

There’s no way she ever could.

Time changes by the day and life,

Brings both the bad and good.

It creeps into who you are,

Deep down in your soul.

The person that you left behind,

Will never again be whole.

It’s fitting it would snow today. I shudder as I watch men dig the hole my father will be laid in tomorrow. The ground’s hard and stubborn. Like my father, in a way.

The frigid air isn’t doing a damn thing to aid me in keeping my composure.

All day, all I could think is that it was James who somehow found a way to kill my pops. Mason’s the only reason I didn’t go back to his office and kill him. Even if he wasn’t there, there’s no place he could run.

I’m paranoid. I’m desperate. I’m fucking lonely.

I want my wife. I need her. A weak man would go to herand she’d be made a target. Mason assured me she’s safe, and this would only help reinforce to James that Kat and I aren’t together anymore and she shouldn’t be on his radar in the least.

The snow crunches to my right and I turn toward the small parking lot. Mason’s early. I didn’t even hear him come up behind me until now.

“Thanks for coming, man,” I greet him and take his outstretched hand.

“I’m so sorry,” Mason tells me as he looks behind me to the gravesite. He found Kat downstairs and I’m still devastated that I wasn’t there for her like he was able to be.

Every piece of me is begging to go to her. She can make me feel better—not right, but better.

“You hear anything from your guy?” I ask Mason as I turn from the two men digging my father’s grave. I’m desperate for someone to blame this on. It’s hard to grasp it’s real, let alone just a random occurrence. I’ll fucking lose it if he says yes, but that’s what I’m praying for. I’m already on edge. Anger is so much easier to handle than despair. If this was because of me, I’ll never forgive myself. My heart clenches as Mason stares back at me.

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