Page 169 of Sins & Secrets

Don’t stop loving me, I can’t live without you.

That ring on your finger, that makes you my wife.

You’re my everything, my love and my life.

Ididn’t mean it when I said one last time. It’s the same way an addict is desperate for more and will say anything to get it. All I have to do is be next to her when she needs a single thing.Anything.Just one small crack in her armor. At least that’s what I keep hoping for.

It’s what’s keeping me from dissolving into the nothingness I feel in my hollow chest.

I wonder if she’ll get over me before that time comes. If the few years we had together was enough to make her love me even when she doesn’t want to. That’s all I keep thinking about as I stare at her sleeping form. There’s only a thin sheet over her gorgeous body, hiding it from me. Her back is toward me as shelies on her side, her hair fanned out along the pillow. I’ve been awake for hours; I’m not even sure I slept at all.

It feels like it’s over, but that can’t be true. I can’t let her go this easily and walk away. But somehow it doesn’t feel like letting her go. It feels like I don’t have her anymore. Like I don’t even have the option to keep her anymore.

A sudden buzz from my phone vibrating on the nightstand strips my thoughts from me and causes Kat to stir next to me.

I keep my eyes on her as I reach for it. She slowly turns to look over her shoulder and then looks away, pulling the sheet tighter around her. Closing herself off from me.

There’s a heaviness on my chest as I let it sink in that she doesn’t belong to me anymore. The bed dips as Kat pulls the sheet with her and walks quietly to the bathroom.

I would think my life couldn’t get any lower than this, but the text from James mocks that thought.

My hands rake over my face as the phone drops and I inhale deeply, grateful Kat left when she did. There’s still so much shit that I need to fix and make right. So much damage I’ve caused that’s leaving cracks under each and every footstep I take.

Come to the office.

I stare at the text as Kat flicks on the light switch in the bathroom, the warm yellow hue filtering from under the closed door. She turns on the water as I toss the phone down.

James can go fuck himself.

It’s like he knew I’d think that, because the second the phone drops to the nightstand, it goes off again.

It’s not about work. You know what it’s about.

I was given new information today.

The texts come one after the other in rapid speed and it makes adrenaline slowly pour into my veins, breathing life into me.

The creak of the bathroom door opening and the light switching off forces me to look up at Kat. She slipped on a robe in the bathroom. It’s some sort of black and pink kimono from a bachelorette party I think. I’ve never seen her wear it but it’s been hung up by the towels for years. I guess it’s all she could find in there to hide herself from me.

She doesn’t return my gaze and I can already see that she regrets last night.

Our last night.

I refuse to let it be true. I refuse to give up. But I’ll give her time since that’s what she thinks she needs.

“You can come whenever you need to,” she says and then pulls a shirt over her head as she lets the robe fall into a puddle around her feet. The sight would make my dick hard as steel if it weren’t for the words that hit me at full force. “To get whatever you need. I know you can’t take everything all at once.”

“You really want me to go?” I question even though I know I need to leave regardless of what she tells me. I need time to sort out my shit and get my life to be one that belongs beside hers.

I wish she’d lie to me. I can see it in her eyes, her posture; I can hear it in her voice that she needs me to go.Tell me a pretty lie, Kat. Make me believe you still want me.

“I think it’s for the best,” she answers as her eyes flicker from me to the door and she pushes her hair out of her face. The dark circles under her eyes are evidence of how worn out she is. She’s tired of my bullshit.

“I want to be happy and I feel like we’re so used to being something else that it’s not going to work.”

The argument stirs in my chest, but she’s right in a way and I know I can prove to her that we’re going to be fine. I just need time. “I’ll go now, but I’m coming back when I fix things.”

“That’s what you do, isn’t it? You fix things?” A sarcastic, sad laugh accompanies her comment.

---