Page 36 of Sins & Secrets

“Can I just ask a question?” Kat says, setting down her phone and turning her full attention to me. “Why him? Are you sure you want more … and with him?”

“Okay … I didn’t expect that as the follow-up question.” It takes a moment for me to put my thoughts into words. “Mason is nothing like the man Ishouldbe with. But that man is gone and I’m not interested in replacing him.”

I take another sip of coffee, feeling defensive and like I’m not sure that I really want to even have this conversation.

“Are you wanting to settle down with him?” Kat asks and waits for me to look at her. “Like are you dating, dating?”

“I’m not settling down or replacing—” Jace’s name gets caught in my throat.

“Oh no, oh no.” Kat’s quick to correct herself, reaching out for me even though my hands are now clasped in my lap. “I didn’t mean … I don’t know what I mean.”

“Maybe he’s a rebound,” Sue chimes in with a shrug and then looks up at the menu on the other side of the room. The text is fairly large, but she’s not reading it. All four of us have that menu memorized. “It doesn’t have to be serious,” she says and the other two women all nod in agreement, but I’m certain it’s to placate me.

“Yeah,” I say noncommittally, holding up my coffee and looking back at Kat for her response. “What if he’s just a rebound?”

Kat picks up her phone again but she doesn’t look at it. She bites her lip and asks, “Can we meet him?”

“For fuck’s sake, Kat,” Sue says from across the table, practically glaring at her. “You don’t introduce a rebound to your friends.”

“Is that a rule?” Kat bites back. “He likes drinks, we like drinks, let’s all just have drinks.”

“It’s weird!” Sue’s brow is comically raised as she stares back at Kat like she can’t be serious. “Just let her do what she wants to do,” she says and Sue’s last sentence is hushed.

“I’d like to meet him,” Maddie says with a sweet, innocent tone. Staring at each one of my friends in turn, I know they’re all looking out for me. All nervous like I was weeks ago.

“I’ve got this,” I say to all three of them at once. “It’s just sex, but there’s a level of respect and understanding.” I nod my head. “That’s what themoreis.”

A soft sigh leaves me and I feel like I’ve fixed my nonexistent problem. That’s exactly what this is. “It’s just a mutually beneficial arrangement with respect, and sex of course.”

Both Kat and Sue are silent, each nodding and probably not convinced with my words. Each for their own reason, and I love them for their concern.

“I have a meeting with my CPA,” I say as I glance down at my phone. I was going to walk there but there’s no way in hell I’m going to make it on time now. “I have to go,” I huff out as I reach down to grab my leather tote off the floor.

“Hey,” Kat says. “You’re happy?” she asks with all seriousness.

I stand up, slinging the purse over my shoulder and pushing back the stool back. “Yeah,” I say and that smile comes back. “I’m happy.”

I expect some kind of guilt or feeling of inevitable doom, but the girls all smile and Maddie squeals with delight. My chest feels empty, as if I’m lying to myself and afraid that someone will expose it. But I am happy. This is what happiness feels like, isn’t it?

“That’s what matters,” Kat says with finality.

“Damn right,” Sue says, adding her two cents as she grabs her purse to join me.

“Want to share a cab?” she asks, the conversation of Mason and whatever the hell I’m doing with him long gone. At least for now.

JULIA

This office sucks. Even as a writer, there isn’t a better word to describe it that comes to mind. For starters, it’s always dark. Crossing my ankles and shifting in the chair, I don’t understand why Mr. Allen Walker never opens the curtains. I used to joke with Kat that he’s really a vampire. The plain white shades aren’t thick but they’re very good at blocking out what little sunlight would shine through the windows to my right. The office practically brushes against the neighboring building. Through the small gap where the fabric panels meet, I can see the old brick from Parks Towers next door. I’d rather look at that and have some sunlight than stare at closed curtains.

I scoot back on the chair with my purse in my lap, feeling more and more uncomfortable.

“Miss Summers.” Allen addresses me as he always has since I was a little girl and even after I was married, but it feels different now. He shuts the door behind him, a smile on his face as he shoves his wire-rimmed glasses up the bridge of his nose. Fine lines and wrinkles crease around his eyes as he holds out a hand for me. I stand up, the lightweight chair scooting back on the thin carpet as I shake his hand.

“It’s been too long,” he says warmly. I nod my head and smile politely although I disagree.

The last time I was here was a few days after Jace passed away. That day, Allen made sure to call me by my legal name and not the name I grew up with. The memory makes the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand on edge as I clear my throat and retake my seat. Uncomfortable as it may be, it’s the only one I’ve got.

It seems he’s forgotten that Summers still isn’t my legal name. I look down at my barren hand and think that’s my fault. I took my ring off months ago. That was easy, all things considered, but changing my name is something else entirely. It would be like erasing Jace, and I won’t do that.

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