Page 216 of Sins & Secrets

My heart sinks at the thought. “Who I’m seeing,” I echo, feeling crushed. It’s like he wants me to have to stay away from her.

“Yeah,” Mason says with a defeated tone. “Could mean his ex, could mean lawyers or cops …” He doesn’t finish but I hear the unspoken addition, could mean Kat.

My resolve hardens, but it sends a shooting pain down my chest. I twist the wedding ring on my finger and look back at the grave. I’ll be buried with this ring. Either now or years from now. Forever hers.

“Call her from a different phone, just one call?” Mason suggests as I watch the men shoveling piles of dirt. “Not with your phone. From someone else’s.” I barely register Mason’s words.

“If I see her or talk to her,” I say, my words coming out as numb as my body feels, “I don’t know how I’ll walk away again.”

“It’s a tough call,” Mason says faintly.

“She’s not at risk now?” I ask him again. It’s fucked up, but part of me wants her to already be in the line of fire. Just so I can go to her. To hold her, and take back everything. I hate myself forthinking that for even a second. I’m weak. I need to be stronger for her.

Diary Entry One

Dear Pops,

I’ve seenKat do this a few times.

Writing a letter to talk to her parents. It’s how I knew back then that she wasn’t doing too well. I’d give her extra attention and keep a closer eye on her whenever she took out that journal. I’m not doing too well now, and I need you. Thought I’d give this a try; I don’t have anything else.

I miss you already.

If you’re with Ma, tell her I miss her too. That I love her and wish you two were here.

God, I do. I need you two.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better son.

I’m so damn sorry that the last conversation we had was about how disappointed you were in me. I promise I’m trying to do what’s right. It’s so hard to know, though.

It’s too many lies to know what the truth is. Too many secrets to hold on to what’s real.

I’m afraid of losing everything. It’s like it’s all crumbling around me and I can’t stop it.

I’m so damn alone, and it’s my fault. I’m terrified to be close to anyone right now.

I need you to do me a favor. You gotta look out for Kat.

She misses you and she’s not okay.

She used to say that when she’d write, her parents would be there in some way. She said she knew they were watching. She knew they heard. I hope you can hear me now.

Can you go to her? Please?

Give her a sign that you’re there and that you love her.

I’m trying, Pops, but it’s so hard to know if I’m doing the right thing.

If I lose her too, it’s over for me. There’s nothing left.

So please, don’t watch over me. Stay with her.

I love you forever.

CHAPTER 15

Kat

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