Page 45 of Carter's #Undoing

“Cynthia’s right. I did. I was hanging with the wrong crowd back when I met your mother. Selling drugs to help my family, then gambling what was left to feed an addiction I couldn’t shake.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell us?” Caden asked.

“Because a man is not measured in the mistakes that he made, but rather, the decisions after those mistakes that define his true character.” He looked to my mom. “I fell in love with your mom on sight. Knew she’d be mine no matter how hard I had to fight for her. And I didn’t have a penny to my name, but she loved me anyway. Cynthia forced me to get my act together, not to win her love, but to keep it. Together, we built a great life for you boys. It wasn’t perfect, but it was as good as we could make it. And getting my act together didn’t change the things I’d done. Doesn’t change the guilt I carry around. But I rose above it all, just like I believe Carter can. Starting with his role in this family.”

When he turned back to me, I realized that after years of feeling like I wasn’t like anyone else in my family—like I tainted my good golden name and tarnished it with a black metal that would never be worth more than gold—I was more like my dad than I thought. We’d committed different crimes. Had different vices. But, to hear my father admit that he had secrets, a checkered past and had done things that we’d never heard about, brought me some sense of comfort I hadn’t expected.

I would like to think much didn’t scare me anymore, but every time I opened my mouth to try and explain myself, to give them answers, I couldn’t seem to find the words. I hadn’t expected Serenity to speak on my behalf.

“I’m sure you all know by now that the reason Carter left was because Rodney, the man who was married to my mother, is after me for vendettas I’m only now remembering.”

I stopped her there, her almost-confession forcing me to gather my thoughts. In so many ways, the people in this room were more her family than they were mine. We shared blood, but they shared a bond. They’d all heard a recount of what happened from Caden or Malik, my brothers who knew the most about my situation. So, I filled in a few details even they didn’t know.

“Rodney paid someone at the hospital to put fake ashes in the urn that was given to Serenity the day of their funeral. I don’t know how he did anything else, but I’ve been working with some individuals who want to bring him down just as badly. I don’t want to tell you all too much, but we’re handling it. Those men you saw me with are men who I trust with my life.”

I hadn’t thought about how those words would sound until I saw Caden flinch.

“We can still help,” Micah said.

“Agreed,” Malik added. “We all flew to New York to see you and to help however we can.”

Malakai nodded. “And it’s okay to ask for help.”

“I appreciate it,” I told them, knowing that regardless of their offer, I wanted my family far away from this shit. I glanced at each of them, even my sisters-in-law. “I don’t regret enlisting in the army and going with Rodney that day to save Serenity’s life.” I looked to Serenity. “I know every one of you in this room wouldn’t hesitate to do everything in their power to save the person they love.” I looked back to my family, catching the love-filled gaze between the couples. Malik to Mya. Micah to Lex. Malakai to Avery. Crayson to Jordyn. Caden to Cordelia. And my dad to my mom.

Madden men loved hard. If that was one thing we all had in common no matter how estranged I had been, that was the common dominator. I shouldn’t have been shocked at how much it hurt to see them all and only be reminded of everything I’d missed. Of memories I hadn’t been a part of and celebrations I’d missed. But seeing the love they all had for each other hit me square in the heart in an unexpected way.

“However, I do regret that I allowed the decisions I made moving forward from that moment to impact my relationship with my family. I can’t promise you we’ll see eye to eye on anything I’ve done, or things I may do in the future, but I want to be more present.” My eyes wavered to Serenity again, grateful for her encouraging squeeze of my hand.

“It hurt, man,” Crayson said, gaining back my attention. “As close as we all were it hurt when you left.”

“It did,” Caden added. “And you and I are working through it, but for me, it hurt more that you didn’t look back when you did it.”

Crayson walked to me, stepping a couple feet away. “We will never fault you for how hard you love Serenity. If anything, Caden and I get it even more now. And not to discount anyone else’s feelings in this family, but we’re more than brothers. The three of us were supposed to be unbreakable regardless of the friends or girlfriends we had.”

Caden came to stand beside Crayson. “And I can’t go through you disappearing on us again like you did before. My heart can’t take it.”

“I won’t,” I said, my throat aching in a way that let me know I’d been releasing way too many emotions lately.

“You can’t,” Crayson said. “We’ve treated Serenity like a sister since before you left, and we didn’t stop loving her like one after you walked away from all of us. I can see it in the way you look at her that your love never stopped. If anything, it grew stronger.”

“But we won’t let you isolate her from us and give you a reason not to come around,” Caden stated. “Her heart is with you, but it’s with all of us, too.”

I nodded, the hurt in their voice breaking me in a way that made me briefly forget that my entire family was in that room. Even with Serenity still holding my hand, this conversation was between me and the two brothers I’d hurt most of all.

What do you tell people who were family, yet now were strangers? Men who were once your best friends outside of your best girl and shared the same womb as you? I didn’t think one conversation would solve over a decade of hurt, but I hadn’t been this close to Caden and Crayson together since the day I left.

The longer we stood there, the more I became unraveled, realizing that I could put on my shield of strength in front of anyone I crossed paths with—even Serenity to a certain extent because I always felt a need to protect her—yet, I couldn’t do that with these men. With my brothers.

I heard Serenity sniffling and knew she was crying without looking at her. Saw the motions in my peripheral around the room of family members dabbing their eyes. It amazed me how certain people could make you feel like a kid again. But in my case, the roles in our triplet dynamic had changed. I wasn’t the glue for them anymore. Not for my entire family. They had to get through life without me being around, and I didn’t doubt it had been hard, but they got through it.

“We still need you,” Caden stated, as if he were reading my mind.

“I need y’all, too,” I said honestly, and I meant it. I had friends who would understand me in ways my family never would, but that didn’t mean I didn’t need them. My eyes were watery and constantly clearing my throat wasn’t helping me keep my emotions at bay. However, I needed to be a hundred percent when we moved in on Rodney in a couple days. I couldn’t afford to feel everything that I was.

Crayson must have sensed it, because he gave me a lifeline. “Since you crashed my wedding reception but didn’t show up to see the man of honor, you better attend Caden’s wedding.”

Serenity squealed. “Ah, Caden, you did it! Cordelia, I have to see the ring.”

“It’s perfect,” Cordelia beamed, wiping her eyes and waving her hand out so that Serenity could see it.

‘Thank you,’I mouthed to Crayson.

‘You’re welcome, brother,’he mouthed back before clasping me on the shoulder. It felt a little awkward when my family started a soul train line for hugs, but I did my best to show my love, keeping a close eye on Serenity as I did.

Watching her interact with my family wasn’t weird since some of my sisters-in-law were her closest friends. However, it was … alotto handle in one night.

“I’m looking forward to having you at my wedding,” Caden said, breaking my thoughts.

“Me too,” I replied honestly. It seemed fitting that Caden’s wedding would be the first brother’s wedding I’d be seen at. My brothers didn’t know I watched each of them get married from a safe distance. That I’d wanted to see their special day even if I wasn’t in their life. But, I would probably just tell Serenity all that when this was over. It was enough revelations for one day.

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