Page 23 of Carter's #Undoing

He dropped his head back down, his eyes softening. For a second, he looked years younger than he was. “I remember every fucked-up thing they ever did to you.”

“Then I still don’t understand why you chose to leave me.”

When his eyes held mine, I knew that there was a large piece of the puzzle that I was missing. I’d caught a glimpse of my Carter for a minute. Yet, as quickly as the warmth of his eyes had returned, it left even faster, replaced with a hard, cold stare. “I had no choice but to enlist in the army,” he explained. “Especially when faced with the man I thought I’d killed.”

I fell back in my seat. “Wh-What?”

“He never died, Serenity,” Carter explained. “Your stepdad, Rodney, never died that night, and every day I’ve cursed the fact that I never waited to see the life leave his body. I caught him standing outside that big oak tree that used to be in the backyard of your parents’ house, his body beat up, but not the way I thought it would have been given he’d been in an accident a week prior. All I saw was red hot anger when I noticed him standing there. It wasn’t even disbelief that he wasn’t dead, nor was it confusion as to who was in that urn if the person we thought had died really hadn’t. I was angry, and had my mind been clearer that day, I would have recognized the malicious smirk that was on his face as I approached him.”

“Like he wanted you to see him?” I asked, still in a bit of shock.

He nodded. “Exactly. He did. Serenity, he knew I had left him and your mom for dead. He heard the bitter words I whispered in his ear that I didn’t regret a damn thing about letting him die in that dirt. He felt the wrath of my words as I watched him and your mom choke on their own blood, your mom too doped up to realize she was dying and your stepdad too much of an asshole to die without letting your name slip past his filthy lips.”

I felt the emotion in his words as if the accident had just been yesterday versus sixteen years ago. “This is not just on you, Carter. When their truck flipped over, I remember telling you I hoped they were both dead.” My voice sounded far away even to my own ears.

“But I was the one who watched them die. At least your mom.”

I shook my head. “Just because you told me to stay in your truck doesn't mean I’m any less responsible.” I may have been talking, but he didn’t even seem to hear me.

“There is so much more fucked up shit going on in the world than people ever realize,” he said. “With the war in Iraq going on, there were several government agencies who weren’t following the rules when it came to recruiting. Nothing was left to chance for some of us who enlisted. Our destiny was decided by men who didn’t play fair and didn’t give a damn about your life or who you were before the war. So I was given a choice.” Carter studied my eyes. “Either I enlist and work with his brother as their eyes and ears to all aspects of my duties in the military, or …” His voice trailed off and he looked torn. Like he didn’t really want to tell me.

“Or what?” I asked. “What was the other choice?”

“Or they were going to take you that day with them and would kill anyone in the town who stood in their way. No matter what, he made sure I realized that before he left town, it was either me or you.” He sighed, his eyes never leaving mine. “So I signed a deal with the devil, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat if it meant keeping you safe.”

My mouth slightly parted, completely taken aback by everything he was saying. His forehead creased as if he was reliving that day in his mind. When he ran his fingers down his face again, this time on the side of his scar, I was almost afraid to ask, “Did he give you that scar?”

Carter didn’t respond, but he didn’t have to. I knew the answer without his confirmation. I decided to ask another question until he was ready to talk about. “Is the reason we’re in isolation because of him?”

He nodded. “Yes, it is. I’d hoped to wait longer to tell you all this, but it’s probably best that you know Rodney is not the type of man who gives up easily and I know his entire operation. A few months ago, I blew up a pretty big deal he stood to make a lot of money from and he’s not happy about it.”

“That’s why he’s finally coming after me now? I know I asked you this before I knew which enemy you were referring to, but why not go to the police?”

“He has connections in the police force. And he’s never stopped wanting to come after you,” Carter stated. “Except now, I’m not in his operation to protect you from it by knowing his every move. So I have a few friends that I trust helping me figure it out. Caden was the one back then who helped me hide my truck since we didn’t want folks seeing the dent in my car and piecing shit together. Caden’s always known more than others even though he never understood why I stayed away or had made the choices I did. And I spoke with Malik and Micah, and they are watching the family the best they can with their resources and only their trusted confidants in the government. Which just leaves the two of us. When I blew up his last deal, Rodney moved his entire operation from the location I knew. We’re working around the clock to figure out where he’s at. Until then, you and I stay put here. I’m doing as much research as I can from this location while the others are my eyes in places I can’t be.”

I didn’t know what hurt worse—the fact that the love of my childhood had given up his entire life to protect me, or that others stood to get hurt from a criminal I ultimately brought into their lives through my relationship with Carter. I was the reason Mr. and Mrs. Madden didn’t know their son. I was the reason Carter didn’t even know how to be a son. And yet, sitting here looking into the dark eyes of a man who had risked his life for mine, I knew there was so much more I didn’t know.And he still cares a lot about you.I felt it. Could see it in how he was looking at me, worried that I couldn’t handle everything he was saying. Heard the proof in his words. And honestly, I wasn’t even sure how to feel. Nor was I sure how I’d ever get rid of the guilt that was currently coursing through every vein and blood vessel in my body.

“After all this time, I can’t believe he’s alive and that he wants me dead.”

“Not dead,” Carter said. “He wants to hurt you, but he wants you alive.”

“Why?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. “Why wouldn’t he just want to kill me?”

Carter’s eyes were remorseful when he said, “Because there’s no better way to obliterate every ounce of my soul than to destroy the life of the woman I love.”

My eyes studied his, unable to find my words.Love … Could he really love me after all this time?I didn’t have to take a second look to know that yes, he could.

Don’t you dare break down.I didn’t want to feel weakened by my circumstances when it wasn’t just about me.I stood from the table at the same time that he did, grateful that he seemed to know I needed this moment. A hug didn’t even begin to encompass everything I owed Carter, but as I reached up to hug him, and he wrapped me in his protective arms, it feltperfect. Like years of unexpected gratitude and thankful moments that I was confident I was only able to have because of this man.

It didn’t matter that we were torn apart by the decisions we’d made that fateful night. Or that we weren’t the same people we used to be. We’d loved each other since the day we’d drawn for hours on the sidewalk in front of my house.

Yet, no matter how monumental this moment was with him, I stopped believing in fairy tales when I was a little girl. Love hadn’t been enough to keep us together all those years ago, and now I knew there were so many more layers to Carter’s absence than I’d ever realized.

As ironic as it sounded, being in love was one of the reasons I stopped believing in love in the first place. At least the happy kind. Love didn’t come freely. Parents weren’t required to love their children just like kids shouldn’t assume a parent’s love was unconditional. It wasn’t. At least it hadn’t been for my mother. Love was tragic. It came with a mountain of conditions and could destroy you if placed in the wrong hands. It could make you feel the happiest you’d ever felt in your entire life one day, and snatch it all away the next. Some would say that it was life that had kicked them in the butt and I understood that. But for me, it was always that fucked up four-letter word that seemed to bite me in the ass. Or worse, make me question what made me so special that my golden boy had given up his amazing life to protect me.Me.

And while I should have felt like knowing all this meant we could live happily ever after and run into the sunset, it didn’t. Nothing in my life felt guaranteed right now. Absolutelynothing.

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