Page 10 of Carter's #Undoing

Four

CARTER

Glancing at my watch, I wondered how many seconds I should wait before I went after her. She was in shock, and honestly, I hadn’t expected anything different. That’s why I left the front door unlocked.

I’d known Serenity would need to try and leave the confines of the cabin. Even with the recording that Caden and Avery had graciously done, she was in disbelief of everything going on. And why shouldn’t she be? I was a stranger to her now. Someone who resembled the man she once knew, but wasn’t him.

I reminded myself to tread as carefully as I could when I stepped onto the front porch and headed in the direction she’d gone. I could still see her darting between the trees, so she wasn’t too far. Using a skill I learned from years of discreetly honing in on my target, I moved through the spruce trees with ease due to years of knowing every plant and path on my property. I liked the wooded area around me to look deserted, as if the grounds hadn’t been occupied in years, which meant, I had to get creative and know my surroundings.

“Serenity, I’m not far behind you. Just making my presence known so that I don’t spook you.”

“Newsflash, Carter,” she yelled without slowing her pace, “telling me you’re right behind me when I just escaped is eerier than you following me in silence.”

I continued to follow her for another couple minutes, her pace growing more frantic the deeper the bush got. I could catch up with her if I wanted to. I could stop her before she reached the part of the woods that would bring a chill to her bones unlike any she’d felt since awakening.

In the back of my mind, I told myself that it was time to stop her before she hurt herself by venturing even farther into an unknown world for her. But before I could decide, the decision was snatched away when she reached the edge of my property.

Her body was moving up and down, proof that she was out of breath and caught off guard by the sight before her. Her bridesmaid dress was torn at the hem, and her hair that had been pulled up in a curly style was even more disheveled.

“I know this is a lot to take in,” I responded, slow in my approach but highly alert in case she chose to run again. “But it’s safer this way.”

“For you or for me?” she asked, her voice sounding distant and disconnected.

“For both of us,” I explained, stopping to stand beside her. When my arm accidentally brushed against hers, she swiftly moved to the side, her eyes never leaving the sight before her.

“Where are we?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

“I can’t tell you that,” I repeated just like I’d told her earlier.

She sighed. “What am I doing here, Carter? This isn’t normal. And just look at this.” She pointed her hand out before her, but I didn’t have to follow her hand when I knew precisely what she was seeing.

“Although I can’t tell you where we are for your own good, my property sits extremely far up in the mountains and is surrounded by steep cliffs, forested craters, and rocks that could slice a deer in half on impact. I’ve seen it happen.”

Standing close to the edge of one of the smaller cliffs on the property, she seemed so small and unsure of everything. She looked at me then, unshed tears brimming in her eyes. I wanted to tell her to let out. I wanted to tell her I’d be standing right here to wash them away. Yet, as her eyes slightly widened, I kept my mouth shut.

She observed me closely, my face unable to be hidden by the rising sun that was flickering throughout the trees behind us. She saw my face at Caden’s house, but the room was dark as was my cabin before she’d run off.

Now, in the natural light, I couldn’t hide my scars, each indentation on the largest mutilation on my face a reminder that it wasn’t playing with fire that burned you to your core. It was people. I was certain that human beings caused twice as much pain as fire did.

She wasn’t the only one able to get a better look though. I’d watched her while she was sleeping. Studied as much about her as I could without her waking up and catching me. Yet, this was different. We were seeing each other now in a way we hadn’t been granted in years, her rich, brown skin looking softer than I remembered.

Serenity had always had the warmest dark-honey eyes I’d ever seen, except now her eyes held a look of disbelief mixed with anger that I welcomed because I deserved it. Was the cause of it. Unlike now, in the past, I couldn’t recall her ever looking at me with pity. Sorrow even. Like she didn’t know whether to curse me out or comfort me from my inner demons.

The flex of her right hand caught my eye, but I’d been trained to see clearly out of my peripheral without taking my eyes off my target. In this case, Serenity was my mark. She may have wanted to slap me. Or maybe her hand was sore from smacking me at Caden’s place. Or she could be flexing out of frustration. I didn’t know which, but figured it was best for me to stand still. Let her work out whatever she had to before I led her back to the cabin. And she was going back to my cabin whether she wanted to or not. That wasn’t up for discussion.

I wasn’t sure what I expected her to do next. However, when she stepped closer to me and reached out to touch the very bottom of the scar on my face, I froze, my ability to hold my breath for an extended period working in my favor at the moment.

“Does it hurt?” she asked.

My eyes held hers. “Every second of every day,” I answered, my response holding a double meaning. My scar hurt like hell, but so did staring into the face of a woman I loved and not being able to tell her the words she needed. The answers she’d longed to hear for years.

Life could beat you down if you let it. And I’d let for a while, just to come on the other side a version of myself that I didn’t recognize but had to accept. That was the thing about life changing you. There was no going back to how things used to be, only forward into a fucked-up world that would try you every chance it got. The key was to find a peek of sunlight when days were cloudy and nights were pitch black. I hadn’t found too many glimpses of light, but looking at her right now? This was close.

Even before I’d left home, Serenity had been my saving grace. My best friend. My lover. My main supporter. The woman I would die for if I had to. Yet, loving me back then was easy. At least by my memory I assumed it was. There was no way she’d understand me now. No way she would forgive all the shit I’d done, and how could I even ask her to? How could I ask the woman who’d been my ray of sunshine throughout every dark and lonely day I’d had since leaving her to forgive me when I wasn’t worthy of her forgiveness?

“Tell me what it is, Carter,” she pleaded. “Tell me why I’m really here. Why you’ve been gone for so long.”

“I can’t,” I told her.Not yet.Honestly, I’d probably never tell her the full truth. I once promised her that there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t tell her, but I’d been young and hadn’t known that my future would require secrets I’d take to my grave.

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