Page 146 of Children of Blood and Bone

“You sound like Tzain.”

“Tzain is worried, and he has every right to be. I can get through to him, but first I need to know if I should.”

You shouldn’t.

That’s the obvious choice. But despite everything he has done, the memory of Inan carrying me into the camp stays strong. I close my eyes and breathe deeply.

I don’t remember the last time I felt so safe in someone else’s arms.

“When you told me Inan had a good heart, I thought you were a fool. Part of me feels like the fool now, but I’ve seen that heart for myself. He saved me from getting captured by Zu’s fighters; he did everything he could to get you and Tzain back. And when the time came for him to grab the scroll and run, he stayed. He tried to save me.”

I pause and search for the words she wants to hear, the ones I’m almost too afraid to speak aloud.

“He has a good heart. I think he’s finally using it.”

Amari’s hands fidget. She presses them tight to her chest.

“Amari—”

She wraps her arms around me and squeezes. I stiffen in surprise. Not knowing what else to do, I slowly hug her back.

“I know this must seem ridiculous to you, I just…” She pulls away and wipes the tears threatening to fall from her eyes. “Inan has always been caught between wrong and right. I just want to believe he can be right.”

I nod, thinking of the things I want from Inan. I hate how many times I’ve thought about him today, thought about his lips, his smile. Despite how much I push against it, the longing remains: a desperation to feel his touch again.…

More tears threaten to fall from Amari’s eyes and I wipe them away with the sleeve of my kaftan.

“Stop,” I order. “You’ll ruin your makeup.”

Amari snorts. “I think you did that for me.”

“I told you not to trust me with the charcoal!”

“How can you wield a staff and not keep a steady hand?”

We dissolve into a fit of giggles, a sound so foreign it takes me by surprise. But our laughter dies as Tzain bounds into the tent. When he meets my eye, he stops.

At first, he regards me like a stranger, but something inside him thaws.

“What is it?” Amari asks.

Tzain’s chin trembles. He drops his gaze to the ground. “She… Zél looks like Mama.”

His words rip through my heart and warm it at the same time. Tzain never speaks of Mama like this. At times, I think he’s truly forgotten her. But as our eyes meet, I realize he’s just like me; he carries Mama like the air, a passing thought of her in every breath.

“Tzain—”

“The procession’s starting.” He turns to Amari. “You should finish up.”

And with that he’s gone, wringing my heart.

Amari slips her hand in mine. “I’ll talk to him.”

“Don’t.” I ignore the bitter taste on my tongue. “He’ll just get mad at you, too.”And no matter what you say, it’ll still be all my fault.

I stand and tug the sleeves of my dress, smoothing out a crease that doesn’t exist. After a lifetime of mistakes, there are so many things I regret. But this… this is the one thing I would give anything to take back.

With a heavy chest, I move for the exit, pretending my heart doesn’t ache. But before I can leave, Amari grabs my hand again, forcing me to stay.

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