Page 7 of Flying

“No sleep. I’m fine. Great. Wonderful!” Her reply is husky, thick with sleep. She continues to whisper to herself, “fan-fucking-tastic. I’m so happy to be home, this is a brilliant idea. I’m not going to regret this.” The grumbling fades into a snore, as her head drops into her hands.

I scoop her up—one arm under her knees and another behind her back. Returning into the apartment, I put her back into bed before starting to get myself ready for the night. As I’m changing from jeans into gym shorts, I hear the soft sounds of crying muffled under the comforter.

Lily has been on her own for the last decade give or take, and while her girlfriends love her dearly, her lifestyle has put her on thefringes. I knew this proposal was a big deal when she came home, but I hadn’t thought how hard it would be to come back. A failed marriage was one thing. When you add in her parents’ behavior, the red flags are smacking me straight in the face. I kneel next to her on the bed, close to her curled up form. Running a hand through her hair and down her back with comforting soft strokes.

Hoping to reassure her with hushed tones, I make a vow. One I wish I had the backbone for at nineteen: “No matter what, I’ll make this okay. I’ll catch you if you fall. I promise, Lily. We are so happy you are here. Just wait till you see the girls and Seth tomorrow. I promise. We won’t let them scare you off. No more being cruel to you. Not again.” When she seems to still enough, I go to slip back to the couch. Instead, she grabs my arm. Hard.

“Please stay. Just hold me. Please.” She sniffles. “Nobody just holds me.”

Fuck. That burned into my brain. I won’t be able to forget, ever. What else is there to do but peel back the covers and join her? Wrapping my arms tightly around her middle, her head lulls against my chest.

I am holding Lily. My Lily. In my bed. I’m spinning a little as the realization that the same girl I played pirate adventures with, the one who made me actually read our assignments, is here. The young woman I crushed on through middle and high school. I’ve always longed to have her here. Mine. In every possible way.

Then the unhappy truth creeps into my thoughts. This is Lily who I let get her heart broken by Grant. I may have always loved her from afar in some way, but could she love me back if she knew? Can she forgive me for not stopping the wedding? I don’t know if I can forgive myself.

Instead, I remind myself that I have control for this moment when she needs comfort. I can provide that here and now. I can hold her without expecting anything more. I can help her. I can protect her tonight.

Looking down at her familiar face smoothed with sleep, I’m taken by how peaceful she looks in the moonlight. While I can’t see those coffee brown eyes, I know they have a fire behind them and soft vulnerability too. I’m awestruck. Every line and divot fascinates me,the feeling of her breath puffing against my chest sends shivers down my spine. A dark brown wave falls out of the ponytail she pulled her hair into, and I brush it back with a soft touch.

“I want to live in this moment forever,” I whisper into the night, in return she sighs and her brow relaxes further. Her arms tighten around me, and I let myself think she is agreeing, if only for this night.

eight

Lily

A painfully bright streak of gold light cuts into the room waking me. Groaning, I roll over and smack into a set of firm abs and a smattering of coarse hair. This isn’t Pete. Adjusting to the new brightness, I start to doze again, and despite one part of my brain knowing this is not Pete, I find myself lightly stroking whatever is soft and fuzzy alongside me. My head is pounding, but slowly it starts to come back to me: the diner, arriving here, and drinks with River. Right, River. Looking down at my hand, I realize I’m petting his chest and stomach, but he’s wearing only a pair of soft gym shorts. Nothing else.Fuck, he’s so cute… but he’s so… this town.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to fake being asleep but it’s futile. My entire body is riddled with wardrobe malfunctions, or maybe my body is what malfunctions. I first notice the elastic of my low-impact sports bra cutting into my ribs then the awful wedgie. I could crawl out of my skin loathing the day ahead. Now a hard day with a hangover on top?Fuck. I go to adjust myflared leggings,yoga pants, whatever they are called today…hoping that will fix the issue. When I rub my legs together to wiggle them loose I’m met with bare skin.What?

I crack one eye open, and realize that I have an audience for this uncomfortable self assessment. Sitting up, I pull the large T-shirt to keep my lower half covered and look down. The navy T-shirt is softand well worn with academic-style block letters reading Featherweight Boxing Club est. 1866 adorned by a set of boxing gloves in white ink.

“Thank you?” I ask, looking down to my bedmate.

“You’re welcome?” he teases, repeating my tone.

“Ummm, so, about last night.” I’m anxious and have no desire to know what a fool I made of myself.

“You were drunk, you didn’t do anything weird. You didn’t get sick. I bring our friends up when they can’t walk home all the time. Nothing to stress. Well, you did drop your pants and flare your arms in the sky and sing TA-DA! to prove the shirt is a dress,” he teases. Grabbing the pillow, I toss it over his face and grumble a little.

I want to be angry, but the most I can manage is mild irritation. He excuses himself to the bathroom to get cleaned up for the day and I grab the pillow back and cover my head and drift back to a light sleep. I don’t think I need more information on how we ended up semi-clothed in his king-size bed together. I tell myselfat least it was River. He’s previously been my protector—even when the town wanted to lock me in the stocks—maybe it will continue.

“That good, huh? Fortunately for you I have your old favorite heading this way from The Bagel Beagle. I hope you still order a pork roll, egg, one slice of cheddar, with salt-pepper-ketchup on a whole wheat everything bagel.”

“Taylor Ham,” I firmly correct him.

“It’s literally the same, and you know it,” he delights in the ridiculous argument.

“It’s literally the product of John Taylor and was called Taylor’s Prepared Ham before people called it pork roll. But I’m extremely happy to hear there is a Taylor Ham, Egg, and Cheese headed my way!” I’m bouncing as I share this completely useless information. Call it one of my special skills. I salivate on command thinking about New Jersey bagels like one of Pavlov’s dogs.

“Oooh! Is Benny still doing deliveries with the humans? I haven’t seen him in so long!” I’m loud and excited despite feeling like shit, and this doesn’t add up.

Humming, he counters “Well, Benny will be along for the drop Iassume. But… the Benny you recall is sadly over the rainbow bridge. Seriously, Lil, he was like a million years old when we were kids. You have to be somewhat unsurprised by this news?”

He’s gotten up to stretch now. A familiar mischief twinkles in his eyes as he reaches a long arm overhead. His other hand absentmindedly scratches his abs. Damn, I want to do that again too. I force myself to move as a reminder that there’s no reason to ruin a friendship. He’d think this was fun for a bit before getting fed up with my inability to stay put somewhere. With my ability to speak faster than I can consciously think about what I’m saying. He’d see me cry over some random act of kindness, or become so excited by a new song that I have to create a workout for it, only to listen to it non-stop for days on end. No, River would not want the chaos that comes with all of me and he’d move on too. I’m tired of trying to find someone who is willing to stay, so I just accept the temporary offers. I can’t have him be temporarily that close when it’s better to keep the great friends I see periodically who still love me.

“Oh shut up I’m going to pee. When I get back, can we make coffee?”

As I take a deep breath in, the aroma hits me, and he teases, “Wow, you are really not with it. It’s been brewed. It’s programmed or else nothing would wake me. I assumed it woke you too. How do you take it?”

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