Page 68 of Flying

How did I let anyone take this away from me?

We finishour lunches and paintings before the group splits up, giving Stef and I a few minutes together. We stroll the boardwalk and I pull her into a firm side hug, squealing, “I can’t believe how little I’ve seen you despite living in the same town finally after all these years!”

She leans into the hug and gives an apologetic sigh. Simultaneously we begin to apologize, me for making her feel bad and more stressed while her for being hard to reach. Arm in arm, we meander the wood planks chatting.

“Seriously, I haven’t been the best maid of honor,” I start.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around to hear more about you and River, things are better than January it seems? Right?”

“This weekend’s about you, not me,” I deflect.

“It’s about you a little bit,” she replies. “If I’m being honest…” she trails off. “Well, the whole wedding thing didn’t appeal at first after?—”

“After my marriage imploded and then I went cuckoo bananas?” I offer.

“After you were gone and the party just felt like it wouldn’t be worth it, because it was incomplete without you. I couldn’t do this if I couldn’t ask you to be part of it. I couldn’t ask you to be part of it when things were so bad. Lee’s been my person for a long time and our lives pre- and post-party aren’t changing.” Her stare is firm but loving, god she must scare the kids who misbehave.

From wedding talk we easily slide into related topics; in person meals, hanging out at her house, no more video calls or counting time zones.

“Okay, I’ve let it slide long enough. I need to hear the details about you and River, stat. Also, tell me you’re staying for good again, Lil? I still don’t believe it.” She gently nudges me, but I don’t feel pressure, just loved.

“Stef,” I linger on her name, watching her eyes light up with curiosity and joy. Truly, this weekend has been a balm to my soul with all of the joy between friends across the smallest interactions. “I’ll tell you if…” I hedge, rocking back on my heels, my eyes dart to the side and she sees where my gaze landed jumping in.

“Oh hell yes! I will school your ass in Skee Ball, and you will tell me everything twice!”

Laughing our heads off, we race into the arcade. I head to theticket booth and purchase two passes before handing one to Stef who is guarding two Skee Ball alleys from a group of skateboarders in band T-shirts.

Swiping the plastic card over the token reader machines, the familiar noise of the wooden balls being dispensed comes down the alley. They knock against each other and the sides of the chute before the first one hits the front of the metal and plastic case they sit within, causing the line behind them to bounce off the ball before it. The little things, like being here with one of my best friends ahead of her wedding playing a favorite childhood game, is precisely why I can’t let anyone run me out of town again.

Rolling my first toss, I hear the ball connect to the alley with a hearty clunk followed by familiar sounds. The ball perfectly hops over the gutter and sinks into the middle ring of the bulls eye giving me thirty points. I peer to my side and see Stef is two balls in and also at thirty points, and I quickly get into the zone. At the end of the first game, I’m up by only ten points, so I use my winners status to get a question of my own in.

“You’ve barely said a word about wedding planning with Susan all these months, come on. Are you really doing okay? She can be a bit…” I trail off because I want to be mindful of the deep irritation Stef has with her mom in addition to the reverent respect she continues to pay her.

“Militant? Demanding? Unaware that this is 2024 and that I have to let Lee’s parents have a few things they want too? Yes, she’s been all of that, but what does complaining about her get me? Usually people give me great advice, if I had a white mom. I don’t. So I bitch to Mateo or my cousins when I need to vent, or blast music and dance in the kitchen. Once, I was so mad, I stepped into the shower while it was ice cold just so I could scream without being heard. I kind of scared Lee that time, so I haven't done that again... but seriously, it’s fine. I get an easy one since we were basically tied,” she deftly pivots.

“Are you going toreallystay?” There is a hopefulness and also a bit of resignation behind her eyes, she knows how badly I want to. Doesn’t she?

I beam. “Damn straight I am, because I can kick your ass at Skee Ball any time I want.” I slap the token card against the starter and therolling sounds fill the lane. At the end of this round, Stef has me beat by thirty, and she pointedly asks, “Why didn’t you show up in March for River like he and Delia expected?”

“Right for the jugular. That’s too far, dial it back,” I plead.

“Okay,” she stretches out the word before going with, “what’s going on with you and River?”

“We’re good, really good. I guess he finally decided it was time to shoot his shot in December, but it’s more than that. He, um. I didn’t take you two back to my room in Denver. It was a shithole. I think he saw the cracks in the facade I tried to hide. I’m tired of moving from place to place, pretending to have fun with shallow faux-friends. I’m tired of having to create multiple versions of myself. The one people follow, the one who Grant approved of, the one Belinda expected. River saw me be messy.”

“Literally,” she teases.

“Yes, but also, he let me take my time. I know Delia is mad about March,” I stare at my toe as I draw lines on the floor.

“It’s kind of fair, right?” she hesitantly questions me.

“I figured it would be another short-term thing, like everyone else. So, if I took a leap of faith, and came back sooner you’d all be sick of me faster,” I confess.

“You know, people see me for a little bit, realize they want to be with someone, and leave me for their forever person. I just,” I pause, and take a few deep breaths. “I… didn’t realize, it went right over my head that he… truly lovesme. I just didn’t want to have it disappear before we got here. I couldn’t be afraid to stick around for the weeks you needed me.”

“I don’t think he’s going to get sick of you.” The sincerity is too much.

“Well, I think, time’s up! Play ball, Mrs. Carter!” I start two more rounds using my token card.

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