Page 59 of Flying

She’s so amped I am pretty sure she’s a decibel away from yelling at me, but she’s so happy I cannot help but soak it in.

“There’s also Ashton Kutcher playing some guy who calls himself Jim Moorrison, like from the ‘70s band, but also he’s so committed to the bit and people aren’t sure if he’s really him or not, but I think the real Jim Moorrison was already dead.” She whips out her phone to check.

I finally ask, “And this has to do with today how?”

“Oh right!” She actually yells this time. “So, anyhow, Imogene and her roommate—RosariofreakingDawson—wear bathing caps, like for swimming, because it is supposed to hold the smoke in!”

Now she’s giggling up a storm, and I can’t help but smile in return. Tackling her as she writhes, I start to kiss her when Pete reminds us that he slept in the room with us and he’d really like to go pee.

It takes all my willpower not to kick him out but we get dressed and head to the kitchen where I put up a pot of coffee and pull her ADHD medicines out to leave by the mug to make sure she remembers. Since we’ve been staying together, I’ve started to take these little moments to prevent her from being last on her own list. I’ve watched as she zeroes in on her work, her maid of honor duties, and the random things which pop up to distract her.

I see the girl whose independence was borne out of necessity soften a bit more each day, causing a new sense of purpose and fulfillment for me. We’ve all rallied to show her ourloveis without condition.Love.I won’t repeat the phrase again until she says it.

This new focus helps me to back off from my parents a bit, too. Frankly, the smiles and gratitude are a hell of a lot nicer than helping my surly father.

Eyeing the pantry door, left ajar, she went out of her way with her plans. There are snacks haphazardly falling out of the cabinet. The pantry, which on her suggestion are these beautiful earthy greens that highlight the natural wood colors, really enhance the ambiance. Gold light fixtures pair nicely with the knobs and pulls. Every inch of this space feels like a home. Our home.

God, I hope she sees her vision and chooses to stay. I hope she chooses me, because I’d pick her every damn day if she asked me to.

Pete’s tail and haunches nudge me with the booty bump his breed is prone to do as he demands scratches. Grabbing the coffee mug and downing her medicine for the day, Lily turns and smiles at me and I thinktomorrow will be a better day to tell her.Today is a day for Lily, a pseudo holiday to be silly and carefree, this is not the day for old secrets.

So we walk Pete together along the river before giving him his chewy treat and head back upstairs leaving him in the crate-slash-end table she had custom made for him.

forty-one

River

Instead of turning into our bedroom however, she pulls me across the hall. You’d never recognize it as a little boys room today, but it was my room as a small kid. The walls have been painted a lavish purple, deeper than pastel but still soft, feminine and happy.

The color alone reminds me of her, tough and feminine, and I get out, “It’s purple.”

“Oh!Almost Famous! We could watch that today if you want.”

I stare at her blankly, confused. “Huh?”

She quotes back to me, “Purple. Your aura is purple!Come on, Hendrix, is this because Mateo gave Stef his old movie collection? Anyhow, look, I worked with Alice to make this into a media room since I wanted to put art above the fireplace but I didn’t want to deny you a place to watch sports. I also made it into an office, so I hope the color is okay with you.” Her anxious change from excitement is palpable and I scoop her into a bear hug.

“Darling.” I stroke her hair as I squeeze her hard against me, having done my homework online about neurodiversity I know deep pressure can be calming. So far, it seems to work for her. More importantly anxiety and excitement light up all the same parts of the nervous system, so if she’s really excited and something feels off she could quickly worry.

“Don’t worry, be happy.” I smirk down at her and confirm, “Right?That’s what we’re doing today? Weed jokes, movies, snacks, snuggling?”

She smiles wide, but it’s still a bit shaky. She hugs me back harder than before and exhales.

“Oh, I also went to the dispensary here and got a few edible things too, but you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I don’t remember you ever smoking, but that was high school, and in Denver, we didn’t discuss if that was a one off. Plus, you said you were pretending to be someone else. I didn’t know if this was beyond your comfort zone. Personally, I think it’s ridiculous that we’ve made alcohol legal cross country but continue to hold onto these racist and xenophobic laws which lead to the mass incarceration of young men of color when someone who looks like me is just an adorable hippie for the same recreational activities…” she trails off. “Did I do the side quest thing again?”

I nod and kiss her forehead. “Yes, but my favorite kind. The ones where you get worked up about how people should be treated well.”

Giving her another deep squeeze I add, “Sure, someone may look at you and think you're an example of privilege. You know what privileges you’ve had of course, but you are so quick to care about hypothetical people you’ve never met. People you may never meet.”

I lean forward to kiss her again, but she holds a hand over my mouth and grumpily says, “They aren’thypothetical, these are real people! Maybe you don’t know them, or I don’t, or we don’t know them well, but like, ugh… I’m doing it again.” She groans at herself. She drops her hand so I resume the tight hug and kiss her forehead.

This woman is full of so much love and kindness for others, even after her own parents and her ‘first-husband’ could show her nothing but contempt. It’s dumbfounding that anyone was ever anything less than awed by her. I’m smiling like I’ve already had one of her gummies while I hold her in the middle of a room that absolutely is the color of grape Laffy Taffy, knowing I would give her the moon if I could.

“Alright, darling, my point remains that your ability to care about so many people when the world was not always showing you that kindness in return has me in awe of you.”

Grinning so hard my face is starting to hurt, I ask, “Can we moveto the ridiculously comfortable couch I see over there? Am I correct, is that velvet? With a million pillows and a TV on the wall across from it? I believe you have plans for us today, correct?”

The couch is velvet. A dark dusty blue with pillows in grays and blues. There are gray and white blankets too, but also charcoal and black metal between. Just like my girl, tough as steel and yet so much gentle softness.

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