Page 56 of Flying

Shrugging I reply, “You don’t always get what you want.”

Thankfully, instead of arguing, they simply hug me and we move on to other topics.

I standin the cottage behind The Featherweight, staring at a wall covered in sample color swatches. I examine them up close, then step back. I close the blinds. Then reopen them. Turning to Gemma and Alice, I throw my hands up in surrender. Aren’t they the decorators?

“Why am I in charge of this?” I’m trying hard not to whine.Seriously, this is only my home for a few weeks. What do my feelings on paint shades matter?

Seth’s sister-in-law, Alice, loves peasant dresses and flower crowns, and they give her an eternally airy presence. She practically floats through life, making me feel stiff next to her. Exposing my bohemian facade for a poor man's copy.

As she twirls between the blues and grays, she looks lovingly at her wife saying, “Gem, I would pick one of these icy steel colors to match your eyes if I was designing a love nest for us. This one right here,” she taps a swatch on the wall. “Or maybe…” she continues to compliment her wife’s many wonderful attributes as they relate to each color. This is not helping me choose, and now I’m thinking about her use of‘love nest’.Isn’t this going to be a rental property?

Alice quickly kisses her wife before she heads out, graciously taking Pete for a walk by the water. Gemma was around to babysit when we were kids, and since I’m exhausted from the conversation before, I’m unable to stop myself from letting out a whine.

“Gemma, I trust you, whatever you do will be great. Do whatever will let River rent this out after Memorial Day. Taupe? Greige? What’s the it neutral right now? It’s not like this is my home and I can have a giant blue wall covered in natural wood shelves and colorful pots of winding vines and plants. Do something for River, not for me.”

Gemma presses, “Okay, tell me about this blue. Maybe it isn’t for you, but I’m bored by neutral rentals and River said to make this ahome. He said you owed him, and he wanted your vision. So, tell me about this blue and what else you like?”

“Something like midnight, darker than cerulean but not quite navy. A color that reminds you of English royal sapphires.”

Glancing around, I add in, “Also, those light fixtures are basically just boobs with nipples. If you don’t want to have a boring, everyday rental, you need to change that. With the bright white tile and a midnight blue wall, I would want to bring in some dark gold or copper metals and warmth. Maybe paint the kitchen cabinets a pine or sage color?”

I am lightly dusting my fingers along the small island that cuts theopen floorplan into a kitchen area and a living space, examining the pattern in the slab of counter.

“Probably something that brings out the browns in the floor planks, River has a tendency to wear black, gray, denim—he’s really classic and simple. So if he was ever going to move in, it should fit that too.

“Like how he used the exposed pipes for a bit of an industrial feel in the bar, those pipe curtain rods but in the same metal as the kitchen to pull it together. I don’t think there are masculine curtains, are there? Hmm…” I continue to circle the space, stopping near the stone fireplace and examining the wall.

“Here. This is the opposite of the living wall, this is where I would fake some built-ins using bookcases and paint them to match the kitchen. Ooh, and what about a reclaimed barnwood beam for the mantle. Perhaps some wallpaper with a metallic pattern in it too to pull the kitchen and living spaces together well since it's all open here.”

Dreaming this up is a lot more fun thanpaybacksuggested. Though, I might be stuck painting and applying these things I suggest, but I keep dreaming big.

“I would want to have lots of candles. All different sizes of pillars. I know this is taboo for this town, but maybe even in a non-jewel tone. Throw a bunch of neons and brights just to throw everyone off. Add a piece of funky artwork above it. A really plush rug, a basket full of cozy throw blankets and extra pillows.”

As I wander up the steps, I point out the boob light fixture in the entryway, “Seriously, the tits.”

Gemma laughs and says, “Got it, not a fan of tits. It’s a shame, they have only the nicest things to say about you.”

Brightening, I tell her, “I just don’t like them on the ceiling. They’re fine, better than fine…” I pause to think but end up awkwardly saying, “Other places. You know, like on a woman.”Can the floor please open and swallow me up now?

Except, all that happens is Gemma laughs with me and agrees.This is nice,I can relax as I realizemaybe you don’t have to hide your bisexuality from the lesbian whose wife was just here, she doesn’t have any expectations of you. Plus, remember not everyone in town has been focusedon you. Maybe being back can be like this, like my time with River.I try to push my worries away and just lean in, play along and act as though this is my house.

Approaching the bedrooms, I can see one door on the left and two to the right. I open the first one along the wall with two and see a bedroom overlooking the backyard. Stepping inside I notice a connecting door, and peeking in, it’s a jack-and-jill bathroom between rooms. These must be the bedrooms that River and his brothers shared initially.

I step through and it is like stepping back in time. The tiles are pastel pink, straight out of the 1950s suburban expansion. Fortunately, the tile appears to my untrained eye well preserved and really retro cool.

“Gem.” I can hear my excitement growing. “You kept these tiles when you redid things over in the bar kitchen, were you thinking of leaning into the Danish/Scandinavian pastel retro revival? Or making it more masculine with dark wall paper? Or, is this a guest bath so it’s not going to get redone? Because honestly, it could be cool to preserve the history a little here.”

“I could basically use this to make the upstairs all in the Danish pastel, maximalist, high femme vibes to contrast the lower level’s deep masculinity. Unless that would be too disconnected for you?” Gem offers, but when she saysfor yousomething switches in me.

Sinking down on the floor against a wall, my head falls into my hands. The fun is over, the overthinking has kicked into high gear, and now the spirals have my brain going so wild that I blurt out a stream of emotional word-vomit to her.

“Gem, I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t want to plan whatever will be River’s home with someone else eventually, okay? I’m the one people date before they settle down. Grant and Landan,” and I swear I hear her whisper bitch under her breath but I’m not sure because I’m still going, “then there was Carlie during the eighteen months when I did, yes, work on a pot farm in California. Her wife is stunning, and way more put together than me. They have three cats and two dogs and hike the Redwoods regularly, and their life was so adorable I had to block her because it hurt too much. When River came to Denver, he said it was a one week thing. Didn’t he? I’m prettysure. Pretending this could be mine, with him, that’s…” I rub my heart as it breaks into a million little fragments. Picturing that makes my chest tighten and ache.

“I know I’m borrowing this for a few weeks to help Stef with the wedding. I fully expect him to be nice enough while I’m around. But, it’ll end. Then what? Then I have an extra ghost who scares me away from home? That doesn’t seem like a good idea. I was impulsive as fuck before. Still am. I recently learned I have ADHD, and now those impulse control things are starting to make sense. I can’t control them all the time. I mean, my new medication has helped a little and in therapy we go over different strategies. But seriously, I’m not the girl?—”

“Woman,” Gem interjects.

“Right, I’m not the woman someone picks for the long haul. I’m the one you mess around with and I get you so comfortable with the idea of a partner, that you go find a real one. It’s not me, but that’s fine. I’m fine. At least I saved someone else the heartache of being abandoned by someone who didn’t know if they could love, right?”

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