Page 26 of Flying

I grabmy phone and snap photos of the front of The Featherweight decorated with dried corn stalks, pumpkins and gourds in a variety of oranges, yellows, and greens. The baskets of mums that line the walkway amplify the sunny look of the building. Everything feels like the last moments of sunshine before something dark and dreary. I don’t want to be ominous but I can’t shake the feeling. Maybe it’s just the October chill setting in. Or seasonal depression. Can that just start if you never had it before?

I’ve turned a few of the front lawn seating boxes into a festival station and put our newest servers with Delia to train out here. I ask her to pose before snapping a photo.

“Hey! I haven’t touched up my makeup, don’t put that on social media,” she complains.

“Just for Lily, we can re-do it with the new fleece jackets later for marketing. You can have ample time to primp before that, promise,” I reply with hands in the sky like she’s the police.See, Officer Shane, I have nothing to hide.I smirk to myself over the joke before typing out a quick text to Lily with the photo attached.

River:

Check it out. The Sunflower Fest is about to have a whole new tasting menu thanks to you and Vermont

Wish you were here

I watchas three dots pop up and disappear. I wait for a few minutes hoping she’s just crafting a reply.

“Hey boss,” one of the new guys shouts trying to figure out how to maneuver the kegs to their ice bins. I pocket my phone and rush over before he puts a dent in the hardwoods. Lifting in tandem, we heave the kegs in place before hooking up the taps. These aren’t traditional fall beers; there’s nothing pumpkin spiced here which has my dad making faces at me. He’s not fond of the craft brew concept, but worse when it doesn’t line up with whatever he hears is on trend. He assumes that by being different I’m too far outside of what the market wants. I’m hoping to show him otherwise today. The case of maple syrup and the inspiration for a maple porter and a sunflower seed hefeweizen that came out of the trip last month are perfect. Dad immediately balked at these new ideas and tried to tell me they would flop.

Thankfully, my dad is quickly proven to have no idea what drives folks. We’ve officially had one of our strongest Saturdays in ages. The tables indoors and out were full from the early end of lunch through the booths closing down. The vendors packed it in and clamored for the dinner buffet the business council and I set up as a thank you for their participation, and many said they’d be back for future events.

The only thing which could have made today better would have been hearing back from Lily. It’s nearly 8:00 p.m. and she’s still quiet. I can’t help but think of her that night in Vermont, on the floor of the forest, gasping for air. Her body bent and breaking from inside, and yet as soon as she saw me something switched. A playfulness returned to the corners of her eyes. She made a joke and wouldn’t speak of it after. We still haven’t discussed what happened, instead sticking to exchanging memes and missed calls.

I swear, for a minute if I had been more sure she was okay, I mighthave grabbed her face and kissed her. It just was all wrong, and now I’m stuck waiting for the chill between us to lift. For things to get comfortable again, if that is even possible. The possibility of her conveniently missing the upcoming events for Stefanie and Lee feels more real than ever. I just want to shake her, to wake her up to the truth. Or, the truth as far as I’m concerned at least.

Maybe if I tell her what happened at Grant’s bachelor party it will make her understand this was never her fault. It might make her hate me, but that seems more fair anyhow. All I’m certain of is the exhaustion in my bones means my thoughts are jumbled, dragging myself up the stairs I crash. In the morning I have a reply.

Lily:

Looks gorgeous! I can’t believe Delia let you take a picture of her without mascara on…

twenty

Lily

November

After the embarrassingdisplay at Piper’s ceremony, I found myself feeling even more untethered than ever. The panic I felt hadn’t happened in years, which I blame New Jersey for completely. Once River left and I started to engage with more content on anxiety, the memes for the gifted kid burn out syndrome to Autism/ADHD pipeline came at me full force. With how the algorithm works, my content was becoming practically single minded: understanding what neurodivergence is, then laughing at how many smart kids were missed. In addition to the videos and infographics, every few stories an ad for virtual therapy would surface until I figured it was time to try this again.

My first foray into therapy was helpful, but then life got busy and I focused on rapidly expanding business. It fell to the side, but being home, questioning if I was okay continuing to miss things, combined with the way I feel personally attacked by the algorithm, I know it’s time to get back into it.

I met Dorothea through one of these services and we started weekly video chat sessions. I’m working hard to unpack the eventsthat landed me here: my childhood, parental relationships, Grant, the last ten years, what I think I want for the next ten.

“Dorothea, can TikTok videos lead to accurate self diagnosis?” I dip my toe in; the question that has been weighing on me for a while now.

Dorothea gives me the look that I’ve come to learn means to elaborate a bit.

“So like,” I twist my fingers into the fringes on my scarf as my foot bounces until I change from sitting with my legs dangling off the chair to sitting in lotus with my legs crossed under me. A deep calming breath in, and on the exhale I try again, “River recently came to visit and we talked about how I act when I am in our hometown is different from how we were when it was just us, far away from there. After that, these videos keep coming my way. There’s gifted kid burn out, good girl syndrome, and then more extreme terms like emotional abuse, neurodiversity, ADHD, Autism Spectrum, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I was curious if there’s any validity to the algorithm sending this all my way?”

As is her style, she asks me to think about where some of these questions may be coming from. So together we break down as much of the complicated mess in the remaining half hour. The following week, we pick up in the same place again, as I comb through the young Lily who triggered my giggle fit: a carefree girl playing with River out of sight from parental eyes, but always reaching for teachers and parents approval, then the young woman who got married immediately after high school.

“Well, if good girls are people pleasers who struggle to speak up for themselves for fear of upsetting others or being socially rejected and focus on their loyalty and warm obedience, that is a lot of who I was when I first left home. So of all the titles, yes, being a pathological people pleaser is definitely on my list of traits. However, is that a bad thing? I always see it as a focus on putting kindness out into the world, not instigating when there’s no need to cause trouble. I’m not really concerned about it, I think.”Wow, even I don’t believe me there.

Dorothea’s skeptical face flashes momentarily, before she resumes a neutral look, “If you aren’t concerned about it, then is it important to discuss?”

Sighing, “Well,” I draw out the word before admitting, “no, it’s not always a positive. Sometimes, my need to be liked has meant that I do things like date people who I know are not looking for something serious. Except, every fucking time! Oops,” I clap my hand over my mouth, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to curse.”

“Keep going, don’t apologize,” she encourages, so I do.

“It’s just that I’ve watched a few times over how these ‘casual’ partners play house with me. We get together and agree it’s just for fun, but then we’re attached quickly. We’re always together, and I start to feel like maybe I don’t have to always be alone. Except, I end up alone,” I sheepishly admit.

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