Page 79 of Flying

“Not my monkeys, not my circus, sorry sweetheart. Looks like I’m not needed.” She waves and heads off.

Prudence bumps me forward. I know it’s time to pay the piperand hear him out. I would love nothing more than to turn on my heels and run. As these ideas begin to form, Pru bumps me again urging me to take a sip of the warm concoction in the mug. “What is this again, anyway?”

Pru says, “Just an herbal tea to help you stay calm, dear. It’s nothing magical. The magic was always within you. Go be the bravest of us all.”

Lowering myself onto the bench next to River, she takes the crystal from my palm and hands it to him. “Looks like you could use this more than she can, I’m sure Lily can share with you.” On a wink she takes off towards her shop.

Our eyes meet slowly. Almost shy, a bit hesitant. James and Miss Nicole approach with the top board lowering it through its grooves in the column, and clicking it into place so it encases our ankles. Ava Marie approaches with a heavy brass padlock.

We wait patiently as she attempts to kneel and click it into place, when Jim jumps in and says, “Ava, let me do this for you, so you don’t hurt yourself, please?” His polite anxiety suggests a mix of respect and fear, her favorite combination and she acquiesces easily.

With a heavy metal clink, we’re in for three hours together with nowhere else to go. They just walk off, as promised, making no public ceremony. No additional attention is given to these weird circumstances.

We sit and I wait for the eyes in every shop window to enjoy the shenanigan. River glances at his watch. “Three thirty-five, so we have two hours and fifty-five minutes to go. Come on Lily, let’s take this on. As a team.” He brings his arm closest to me another inch closer. Deftly, as he’s done so many times before, he interlaces our fingers together and gives a squeeze.

I want to be angry at him, but looking at that stupid condo, at her ghost in what was my home, I can’t keep rejecting everyone in hopes that nobody hurts me like that again. The silence stretches on this way, hands clasped, eyes flickering from folks that pass by, a few tourists think we’re waiting for a photo before noticing the ancient lock without a key.

After a while, I finally relent. “Why?” I whisper, so quiet I’m not convinced he hears me. “Why do you want to be a team, River? I’mnot people’s first choice. I’m not a keeper. I’m temporary. A stopover on the way to adulthood, before real things. Why do you want to do this? It’s not like you have to.” Confusion and self-loathing I’ve held for so long slowly spill out of my throat, my chest aching and pained.

“Because, Lily, I love you,” he says, squeezing my hand harder with each word. The third squeeze is so hard it almost hurts, but it grounds me in this moment. “I always have, darling, probably always will. If you run off again, well I guess it depends what you tell me. I’ll chase you if you want. Or I’ll just wait. I’ll be here, hoping to have you walk directly into me again. Hoping to get a second, third, or fourth chance. As many as you’ll give me.”

I swallow thickly and take in his beautiful teal eyes earnest expression. With him here, I’m able to forget everyone who may be watching. I focus on his firm grasp of my palm and his rich baritone. My heart rate slows and the calm that washes over me feels like a religious experience, like I’m bathing in his love.

He keeps going, speaking soft and low for me alone. “Mom walked me over here and said that an important part of being together is accepting that we’re going to keep messing up and choosing each other anyway. We have to keep being honest, no matter how hard it is. We can’t run away from talking to each other. I hate that I kept this secret from you,” he continues, and I feel silent tears starting to prick at my eyes and stain my cheeks.

“This has been destroying me since I saw you in that white gown. Tipping you off about the meeting in the bar was selfish. I was trying to alleviate my own guilt. Yes, we’ve talked here and there but it faded because I would consider confessing and get scared. I never wanted to see you hurting.” His eyes are starting to lightly water now too.

“Darling, seeing you here, getting to really know you again, it only made it worse. When I saw where you were in Denver, I knew that the stories we heard and the photos we saw were even more curated than we could imagine. Thinking about you, alone for Christmas, for ten Christmases, broke my heart.” These words are breaking mine and sewing it back together in the process.

“I’m sitting here because I deserve this, not you. I should have stopped you. Called him out for being a moron. But, then again, I’m really fucking lucky he is because he wasn’t smart enough to reallysee you.” His gaze intensifies and he leans over conspiratorially. “He’s missed out on a lifetime of moments that I wouldn’t trade for anything.”

Trying to deflect the heaviness of this moment with teasing, I ask, “Not even if Jonathan was to give you his stamp of approval?”

He doesn’t blink, “Not for a million of them, I wouldn’t trade sitting with you, here, for any. Damn. Thing.” He hasn’t dropped my hand, and it seems to keep him steady too.

Exhaling, nodding, I just hold on tighter. “I, I… I’m not good at talking when it’s like this. So big and important. I just know that there isn’t anything that would make me doubt you, I was trying to make a joke to lighten the mood because I don’t want to have people watch me cry.” He lightly tugs so I’m leaning a bit towards him and kisses my cheek chastely.

I breathe deep a few times more and let my words fall out in their typical rambling waves of chaos. “I can’t believe you are sitting here. I can’t believe that I am sitting here! It’s not so much that I doubted you, I doubted me. I doubted that I was worth the hassle. If I’m being honest, the hassle I bring is exhausting for me too. I’m tired of moving all the time. I’m tired of missing things. I’m tired of wondering what I could have done differently to be here. Before Atlantic City, I kept thinking about the idea of ten years from now.”

I raise my eyes slightly to look at his face, but not quite meeting his eyes. I get as far as his chin, because looking at someone when it’s so emotionally charged is a struggle. “So I was trying to see if I could picture being behind our cottage, Stef and Lee will have a kid by then I bet. Could I be there, wearing your ring, watching Pete steal snacks from kids playing nearby?”

Struggling to breathe a little, I look straight ahead now instead, seeing The Featherweight and answer honestly, like he asked for us to do. “It scares me to no end, but I think maybe we could get there. I don’t know if I’ll want a wedding, if that’s okay. But a life with you? Being partners, traveling, maybe taking over for Miss Nicole when she’s ready to retire? Yeah.” My breath comes out easy now, something loosens in my chest and shoulders. “Yeah, I think I would like that a whole lot, darling.”

The comfortable silence between us is a nice shift from the emotionally charged conversation.

The time ticksby for a bit, when again I see Landan’s silhouette appear to watch from behind sheer curtains in what was Grant’s office.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I scoff.What is this chick’s problem?

Nessa pops between us on top of the wooden boards securing our feet, her impish wide smile implies chaos.

“Don’t worry about that ‘c you next Tuesday’. Rumor is that she’s about to deal with karma.” Nessa winks and heads off.

“That what?” he asks me.

“I think it’s from an old TV show, it spells cunt.”

“Well, then just focus on how much more loved you are than thatc-word.”

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