Page 107 of Gates of Tartarus

“And I found you,” she confirms. “Only I didn’t know it was you at first. I just... I walked in thinking about art, and the night classes I was taking to get meoutof the CDS and into something more fulfilling. For me. And I was looking around the place for you when I got there. I didn’t think he was talking aboutyouyou, because you didn’t seem awkward, or desperate to me. You just seemed sad. Just unutterably, hopelessly sad. And I decided that while I was looking for that girl Dustin was talking about, that I’d numb you a little, just to help you get through the night. But when I saw your reaction... I didn’t know what you were or anything, just that you weresomething. So I left, to go report to Hideo.”

I sigh, all the way from my bones, and my shoulders cave in slightly. I stare at a point over her shoulder, willing myself not to cry. My first real friend, the only family I had left, and it was all a set up. I can’t even look at her.

“But... I didn’t.” My eyes snap to her face, which is red from emotion. “I didn’t go to Hideo and report finding you. I... I actually just, uh, went home. And didn’t say anything. So I kind of just ignored it.”

I stare at her, shocked.

“I know. It’s crazy, right? Crazy. But you were so sad, and looked so lonely, and I knew if I tried I could recruit you into the CDS, where you’d be used as a tool or a commodity, and I just couldn’t. I’d done it before, and I didn’t want to do it again. So I just started planning my exit strategy. I started being... a problem. I didn’t want her to chase me, or place too much value onme. Gomez is good at cutting off parts that aren’t useful, and Ireallydidn’t want to be useful anymore.Hideo was furious, and hurt, and Gomez was beyond.They were both just... but by June,I’d made up my mind, and just dropped my resignation letter. Things were kind of… tough... for a bit. Gomez doesn’t like people leaving the fold, but there wasn’t much she could threaten me with, and eventually she gave up. I just tried to focus on my new life. But when we were asked to do portraits, I just kept thinking of that sad girl, and I thought that maybe part of my new life would be helping her. Or something. Just maybe something to make up for... I don’t know. What I felt like I had done wrong. There’s nothingwrongwith CDS. They try to do the right things. But they’reresultsoriented.Howthey get the results doesn’t always matter as much as what the results are. I pulled people into it who would have been better being left alone as counselors, or healers, or therapists. And they burned out, or the job changed them. And I always felt guilty for that.”

“I figured enough time had gone by that I could go back without anyone noticing or thinking anything of it. I thought,I’m just going to try once, and if she’s not there, then forget it. But you were there, and you were awesome, and we became us, and that was that. And I never told Hideo about you, or Gomez, or anyone. From the second I quit, I tried not to have any contact with them. But I was worried, for so many reasons.”

She shifts anxiously, looking around her before continuing. “I didn’t know, at first, that you knew anything about what you were, or what I was. So I decided not to say anything because I thought I’d sound crazy, right? And then we’d been friends for so long, and I should have told you when you finally told me. But that would have involved so much more than what I could do, and Ilikedhow we were. I never had a sister, and you know about my family... and I was worried you’d be pulled into it, or I’d be pulled back into it… it doesn’t really make sense now. It made so much sense at the time, and it makes so little sense now, but in the moment, I hope you can believe me, it seemed like the better option.”

Gemma sighs deeply and shrugs helplessly. “There’s much more to it than that… I kept thinking there would be a better time to tell you everything, a better way… and then it didn’t make sense to tell you because it felt like I was a different person back then.”

“But all this time?” I whisper, knives in the pit of my stomach. She opens her mouth to reply when the doctor from earlier comes back into the room, frowning at whatever she sees on her print-out and on the various machines. Walking over to the fucking computer factory hooked up to me, she checks the numbers and looks down at me with sad eyes.

“I’m going to knock you out for a bit,” she says quietly.

“I’d rather you didn’t…” I reply, trying to joke but falling flat.

“I know,” she says, “but you need to rest to heal, and that’s not happening with you awake. We’re going to put you out for a little while now.” Pushing a little button on one of my IVs, she counts under her breath and smiles at me gently as her face begins to dissolve around the edges. “Night night, Ms. Reed.”

Lips thick and heavy, I try to reply, try to let her know that the nightmares are waiting for me every time I close my eyes, that the gaping faces of the victims are eating my mind with wide, hungry mouths, but I’m on a slippery slide into oblivion and can’t avoid the grasping hands pulling me back under.

Agents of the Crown

Tuesday, 27 November – Maela

When I wake up the next morning, I’m half convinced that I imagined the whole thing. Except – I can still taste Seef’s lips, moving warm and confident, over mine. Still scent the storm and summer rains of him. I’m not prepared for the sudden change in our relationship; I’d got used to being frenemies. Are we now… not? That kiss, so fleeting, didn’t seem entirely innocent, and I’m not sure what that means. I lie in bed, feeling churned up inside, and can only think, rather inanely, that I’m going to have to come up with a new nickname for him. Calling him “Seef the Sadist Scrot” would be churlish now. “Seef the Super Scrot”? As a compliment, of course.

The man himself is frowning at his phone when I get to Thames House a few hours later.

“Still no word?” Emlyn asks.

“Nothing, which is unusual. Maddox is almost religious about answering messages. I don’t know what he’d do if he lost his phone, probably gomal.” Seef shakes his head. “Alright. I’ll try him again later. For now, let’s concentrate on Kronos. Maela?” He glances over at me, but there’s nothing more in his expression than distracted friendliness. I guess that moment on the doorstep last night really was just a kiss of peace, so to speak. And then I do a double-take. Seef’s shaved. His cheeks and chin and upper lip are smooth, making the clean, angular lines of his face stand out. My eyes fix on his mouth; he has wide, even lips that I’d like to trace with my own, tasting and sipping and taking time to learn their contours. I don’t know how I haven’t noticed his mouth before. It’s beautiful. Then I realize that I’m staring and blush, dropping my gaze to my hands.

“Uh, yeah. Yes! I’m on it.” It takes me ages to compose myself, as all I can think about is Seef. Do I prefer him bearded or clean-shaven? Before, he looked harder; now, he seems younger and more approachable. But I’m used to seeing him with facial hair. What if he tried letting his stubble grow in a bit? Hmm. Either way, he’s gorgeous. But why did he shave? I hope he didn’t notice me looking. Oh God, did Emlyn? OK. Concentrate, concentrate...

I come down from the vision heaving. Magda’s on the move again, this time in a bigger airplane, and I’ve decided that I really, really don’t like mid-air visions. Not even when she’s watchingFrench Kiss. It seems a little frou frou, for her; I’d expect her to be more of a film noir sort of a girl, but I guess she gets enough of that in her day job.

I bend over, trying to will my stomach out of my throat, taking deep breaths. After a few minutes, the clamminess starts to subside, and I sigh.

“Feeling better now, Maela?”

I’m so surprised to hear Seef use my name that I sit up, all queasiness forgotten. “Yes, thanks. I don’t know why I even have a sense of balance when I view. Something to ask the scientists, I guess.” I smile a little crookedly.

“Let me guess,” Emlyn interjects. “Magda’s in another airplane.” He rolls his pen between his fingers, gazing at me.

I nod. “Yeah. This time a long-haul flight, maybe?

“I don’t suppose the pilot announced where they would be landing?”

“No such luck.” If we knew where she was headed, we could circulate the photofit Elizabeth did to the local immigration agents, but we can hardly notify every single airport on the planet.

“Damn.” He shakes his head.

“Can’t be helped,” Seef shrugs. “Maela, do you feel up to trying to see Tennireef?” I look over at him, almost in surprise. Where did this new, improved Seef come from? And how long will he be staying? I close my eyes.

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