Page 41 of Rise By Sin

“Things may have changed, but I haven’t. Jack hasn’t. We’re still the guys you knew before and no matter what you can always trust us to respect and protect you, no matter how hard you push us away,” he told me firmly.

I lowered my head and focused on the herringbone pattern of the thick wool blanket as guilt filled me. I knew what he was telling me already. I had known it the moment I saw he and Jack in the club again for the first time in over a decade. They were good, honest, and trustworthy men. I hated that Mason now doubted that I felt that way, and Jack too in all likelihood. I hated that I had been such a bitch to them, but they couldn’t get close. Losing them again would destroy me and I was barely clinging on as it was.

They had told me they wanted me – that they loved me supposedly – but they couldn’t know that. They didn’t evenknow me. Allowing them back into my heart was a risk I couldn’t take – not when I knew how likely was to all end in tears.

But that didn’t mean I had to keep on being the bitch that the last decade of my life had hardened me into. I did trust them, and right then, when I had no clue if my brother was alive or dead, I needed them more than ever.

“I know that,” I whispered, but I didn’t lift my eyes back up to Mason again. I didn’t want to see the hurt on his features again. “I Trust you guys, okay? I’m sorry I s-said that. I didn’t mean it,” I admitted.

“Look at me, baby,” he urged as he covered my blanket covered knee with his huge hand. I took a breath and then lifted my head until my eyes met his. “I get it, you know?”

“Get what?”

“This need you have to protect yourself. This compulsion to be strong and not show anyone a single chink of weakness. After everything you’ve been through I understand that you feel the need to protect yourself and I respect the hell out of it too. You’re so damned tough. You always have been. That was why we started playing together. Do you remember? Me, you, and Jack? You said you wanted to just let go sometimes. You said you wanted to not be the one in control of everything for a little while. You trusted us to protect you while you did that. You trusted us to always catch you when you let go, and you gave in to our dominance, knowing we’d never exploit it or hurt you.”

“I can’t do that anymore, Mason. That monster….he hurt me so badly and I…even being in the club almost made me lose my shit,” I tried to explain, even just the thought of being bound or restrained making my breathing speed up instantly. There wasno way I could ever go back to the scenes I used to be a part of with Mason and Jack. Back then I had adored being restrained and at their mercy as they sensually flogged my back, ass, and thighs. I had been able to find so much pleasure and release in the expertly given pain Mason and Jack could dole out, and they had known my every expression, never pushing me past what I could tolerate. I had flown with the two of them controlling my every move and impulse, many times. Now just the thought of any of that terrified me after the torture that monster had inflicted on me that night.

“Easy. Just breathe for me, Ava. You’re okay. You’re here with me and I’m not going to let anything happen to you, am I?” Mason was right beside me before I even felt him move. He cupped my face between his hands and locked his eyes on mine. I didn’t realize how much I was panicking until that second. My breathing was short and panicked and I was shaking head to toe as a sweat broke out over my entire body.

“Look at me, baby,” Mason said softly when I tried to move my eyes from his. “Say my name for me.”

“Mason,” I gasped in little more than a whisper.

“That’s right. Keep looking at me and slow that breathing down.”

“I’m okay,” I lied as I tried to move from his grip, but he wasn’t letting me go.

“Just stop. No moving. Just stay right there until I say,” he ordered in a slightly firmer tone, and my body automatically responded to it as I relaxed back as much as I could and stopped struggling.

“That’s right. There’s my good girl,” he soothed as he moved one of his hands from the left side of my face and slipped it down to my wrist where he seemed to be feeling for my pulse. He used to do that after we finished a scene. Jack would wrap my in a blanket and cradle me against his chest as Mason gave me small sips of water and kept a close watch on me, taking my pulse every few minutes to monitor the come down from the high they’d taken me to.

As he held my wrist, there in that moment, I found a familiar comfort in it and I wished Jack was there too, holding me tight and close to his warm and strong body, making me feel safe and completely at peace in only the way he and Mace could.

Just the memory of that small amount of peace I had known all of those years ago was enough to have me slowing down my mind and my breathing.

“Tis is what I was getting to, baby. This is what you need. I know you’re different now, and experiences have changed what you want and need sexually, but this…” Mason said as he smoothed his fingers over my slightly sweaty forehead and looked deep into my eyes. “…this peace you find when you give up just a little control, you still need this. Jack and I can give you this, without any of the things that scare you now. We don’t need any of that either. All we need is this – you surrendering some of that stubborn independence and allowing us to take care of you. Trusting us to keep you safe while you allow yourself to let go of all of that control you cling so hard to. Don’t you want that Ava? You must be so tied of fighting to be strong all of the time.”

“I am,” I whimpered as tears filled my eyes and poured rapidly down my cheeks. I was exhausted if I were honest and so very alone. I wanted what he was offering so desperately.

“I know you are,” he whispered. “It’s okay to come to Jack and me when you need to just let go. It’s okay to let us take control for a little while. It doesn’t have to be anything more than allowing us to hold you right now. We love you. All we want is to protect and care for you as much as you’ll allow us to.” I closed my eyes and gave into what my mind and body had been trying to tell me for so long now. I was running on empty and I couldn’t keep doing that for much longer. I needed what Mason was so willing to give and I had to take it.

“W-will you just hold me? Please?” I sniffled.

“Always, baby girl.” Mason stood and walked around the bed so he could climb in at my other side. He slid under the blanket and grabbed my waist, pulling me close until I was laid half on top of him. I tried not to make a sound as pain shot up my already throbbing back at the movement, but the pain was severe and a squeak escaped me. “Ava?” Mason had frozen any movement as he awaited my response.

“I’m okay,” I gasped.

“You’re in pain.”

“It’ll stop,” I told him urgently. “Please just don’t move. Please Mason.” I wrapped my arm across his waist and clung to him tightly as more tears flowed. “I need this. I need you more than I need anything else right now.”

“Sshh,” he soothed as he gently ran his hand through my untamed hair. I knew he could hear my desperate whimpers as I clung to him with everything I had. I needed him right where he was. I needed to feel his bare skin beneath me and to hear his heart beat under my ear. I needed to know I wasn’t alone. “I’mstaying right here, Ava. I’m going to hold you and you’re going to go back to sleep for me, okay? You need to rest.”

“Colt,” I pushed out through a tight throat as I finally acknowledged what I had been trying so hard not to since the second I opened my eyes. “Owen…he doesn’t have him. He never had him.Hedoes,” I uttered tearfully. “We-we’re gonna be too late, Mace. That sick monster is g-going to….to k-kill him. I’ve already lost him,” I said as my body started to shake with sobs once again.

“No. I know Colt. If there’s any way he can hold on, he will, and we are going to work like hell to find him. If there’s any chance we can get him back, then we’re never going to stop trying. You hear me, baby? I’m not giving up on him and you won’t either. We keep searching and hoping until there is proof that it’s fruitless, okay?” he told me firmly.

“Yeah, okay,” I agreed shakily. He was right. Colt was tough and resourceful. I was failing him all over again by giving up on him. I had to do everything possible to hunt him down until I had proof that he was gone. “Until we have proof,” I added with a single nod. My eyes were heavy and the exhaustion was pulling me under fast as my body gave up on me once again.

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