Page 8 of Safe Haven

Audrey doesn’t seem as confident in me though. She pinches her lower lip between her teeth, eyes dropping mine. “I hope so.”

I don’t like how beat-down she seems. It’s likely the result of being stuck in fight-or-flight response for so long.

“Go to sleep. You don’t have anything to worry about. I can handle whatever happens.” After kicking away my boots, I settle onto the mattress beside her, laying on top of the covers, both to give her a little personal space, and because I’m still fully dressed. No one wants my dirty outside clothes rubbed all over their sheets.

It’s quiet for a few minutes. Long enough I assume Audrey’s already asleep, so it’s unexpected when her soft voice cuts through the silence.

“Can I ask you a question?”

I stare up at the ceiling, wondering what it is she wants to know. “Sure.”

The room is so quiet I can hear her as she swallows and takes a deep breath. “Are you a sadist?”

“I —” Did I hear her correctly? “A sadist?”

“It’s okay if you are. I know everybody’s into different things. I’m not judging. Really. I’m genuinely not.” The words tumble out of her mouth. Like she’s used to trying to smooth things over.

And that pisses me off. No one should live their life in fear. Worried someone’s going to hurt them for asking a simple question.

Bizarre as it is.

“Relax.” I roll to my side so we’re face-to-face. Reaching out, I rest a reassuring hand on her shoulder, hoping to soothe a little of the worry and fear still clearly controlling her brain. “You canask me anything you want. You just caught me off-guard with that one.” I huff out a little laugh. “And no, I’m not a sadist.”

I should leave it at that, let her get the sleep she desperately needs, but I’ve got to know. “Out of curiosity, why would you ask that?” The question is barely out of my mouth before I come up with an answer all on my own. “Is it because I kill people for a living?”

Again, she surprises me. “No. It’s not because you kill people for a living.” And again, Audrey rushes to explain. “Not that I’m judging you for that either. I’m starting to realize some people probably need killing and the world is better off without them.”

I wait a few more seconds, thinking she’s just catching her breath before answering my initial question. When she doesn’t, I ask again. “Why did you think I could be a sadist?”

Is that really the energy I give off? Because if it is, that could explain the serious dry spell I’ve been facing. I tried to blame it on my injury, but honestly, it goes back further than that. Even before I was shot in the line of duty, I struggled to connect with women.

And while sex can be great. Sex without connection has always been...

Underwhelming.

And it’s only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. Both the making connections part and the underwhelming sex bit. Up until recently, things were easy enough to handle on my own, but then Zeke and Savannah got together—and I lost the distraction of working for nine months—and I started to see just how much I’m missing out on.

Part of me thought I, and the rest of Shadow, would be single forever. Sure, the guys of Rogue have all paired off, but they’re cut from a slightly different cloth. They’ve always been different. More normal than Zeke and me and the rest of our team. It takes a special kind of person to hunt someone down knowing you’re going to kill them. To look them in the eye as you end their life and then go home, eat dinner, and go to bed like a normal person.

Of course I assumed whatever made me capable of doing that was the same thing making it difficult for me to find someone who understood me. But a sadist?

“Well.” Audrey drags the word out, making me wait as long as possible for her insight. “It was just a little strange that you got, um...” Again, she makes me wait. After clearing her throat, she tries again. “That you seemed to get excited while we were struggling on the floor. And I thought maybe it was because you were enjoying how scared I was.”

That’s like a punch to my gut. Not just because she thought I was getting off on it, but hearing I scared her to begin with.

“I didn’t want to scare you. That’s one of the reasons I came through this window. I was hoping I could ease you into my presence a little instead of dropping into the room where you were sitting.”

I didn’t have a lot of options, and I tried to come up with the best plan I could. Because I don’t like scaring people who don’t deserve it. The same way I would never kill someone who didn’t need to be killed.

Is my moral compass a little different from most people’s? Yes. But those directions are still strong and unwavering.

“It’s okay,” Audrey immediately tries to reassure me. “I understand why you had to do it the way you did, but at the time, I didn’t know it was you.” Her cheek rounds, the shadowy edge of it shifting as she smiles. “And I’m really glad you’re here.” She reaches out, using one finger to poke the center of my chest. “Especially since you’re not a sadist.”

That circles me back to the other thing I have to apologize for. “Yeah. I’m also sorry about that... Misunderstanding.”

It’s the only word I can come up with to explain the oddly reactive response I had. Because I don’t really understand it myself. I’m not generally the kind of guy to have issues like that. Can I appreciate an attractive woman? Of course. Can I see and identify sexual appeal? Yes. Does it result in a physical reaction for me? Not usually.

That’s why it seemed more likely my response was due to being excited about working again. That the friction of Audrey’s ass added enough contact to create the unexpected reaction. Like kindling on a spark.

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