I remember my mom wailing.
I remember Will’s flushed face as he knelt down to talk to me. “Will told me that sometimes adults hug differently, and he was sorry I saw that.”
One might assume that since they’d been caught, they’d stop, or at least be more discreet, but that’s not what happened.
“I watched them a lot,” I tell Ryan.
“It happened more than once?” he asks, shocked.
I nod. “A few times a week.”
“Why did you watch?”
“I was just trying to understand. You know—what was so different about grown up hugs.”
“It didn’t upset you?” he asks.
“It upset me a lot,” I admit.
“Your dad didn’t know?”
“I don’t know. I never said anything.”
“How could you keep that to yourself, though?”
“I mean, I didn’t. I talked to my mom about it.”
Ryan looks even more freaked out. I feel compelled to remind him, “I was seven. Granted, she didn’t know I was sneaking around to watch them every chance I got, she just thought I caught them the one time and they were dressed that time, so…”
“What did she have to say for herself?” he asks.
“She said something along the lines of the way Will loved her was special. I can’t remember exactly how she put it, but I remember how I felt about it.”
“Howdidyou feel about it?”
“Jealous,” I admit, finally. “I was really fucking jealous.”
Ryan’s jaw looks painfully tight, and I want to rub the muscles in it to get it to relax. He says, “I’m really trying hard not to assume or jump to conclusions, so…spell it out if you can.”
“I asked her why Will wouldn’t hug me like that.”
“Jesus.”
“What?” I ask. “What are you thinking?”
“Did you realize what they were doing by the time you asked her that?”
I nod. I realized it the second time when they were naked. When I saweverything. Will’s naked body, his cock, his ass. When I heard the way he moaned when he was inside her. The way he held her and rocked himself against her. When I wishedIwereher because she sounded happy. He could make her laugh and gasp in surprise. He made her purr with contentment and say things likeyou feel so good.
And I thought if the kind of hugIgot from him felt good—the kind she was getting must be even better. I was so fucking jealous of her.
And I was mad at her because she wouldn’t share.
“I mean, I didn’t know they were engaging in an act of adultery or that it could result in pregnancy, but I saw they were close, and it looked like it felt really good for both of them, and it gave me a funny feeling in my stomach.”
“And now?”
I sigh. “Well, now I think I had to have been a pretty fucked up kid to be looking forward to watching someone fuck my mom.”