Page 84 of Finance Bros

“That’s how I know,” he says.

I frown, annoyed that he didn’t take the bait.

“I don’t need you to get it, Ry. I just need you to come here.”

16

MALCOLM

Ryan’s starting to give me a complex. I have enough esteem issues and self-doubt to power a rocket to Mars, but obviously I’m going about this wrong. The problem is—I don’t know how else to say it. If we do it his way—film the content and post it, who’s to say he won’t think up some other excuse. If he doesn’t want this, I need to know so I can stop embarrassing the fuck out of myself.

He walks over to the beanbag, looming over me. “Ineed to get it. Otherwise, you gotta go.”

My mouth immediately dries up, and my guts twist. I try to pivot off the topic I know he’s getting at. “You think I’m cheating on Kaylin. You want me to call her? You want to talk to her yourself?”

Ryan shakes his head. His eyes are boring into mine. “Do you love her?”

“Sure,” I say.

“Are youinlove with her?”

I shrug.

His eyes narrow to dark slits. “Have you been with anyone besides Kaylin?”

“You,” I say.

“Anyone else?”

“No.”

“Never?”

I shake my head. I’m not sure he believes me, but Kaylin is my entire sexual history. Now, if he wants to know about the intimate and very well-maintained relationship I have with my collection of flesh lights, that might give him a different perspective, but it’s nothing I feel compelled to share. Since Kaylin went to UCLA and not Stanford with me, I got used to taking care of myself. No one at school ever sparked my interest more than she did, so it wasn’t that difficult to stay faithful. Keeping up with my schoolwork was challenging enough.

But now that we’re on a break, I feel the need to make up for lost time. Since my recent gestalt, I’ve been wondering what I would have done with the break if Ryan weren’t around. Would I have started cruising the Castro looking for guys to try new things with? I think…maybe.

In all honesty, I’m not sure anyone but Ryan could have unlocked the door where I’ve kept this secret all these years, even from myself. But if he ditches me… I’m almost certain I won’t go straight back to dating women.

My need to get off is one thing—it’s gotta be at least twice a day. My sex drive however—in terms of wanting to have sex with another person, had all but disappeared before Saturday night. I thought it was my meds, which my doctor and I have changed and titrated over time, but clearly, those aren’t the issue.

I just don’t want Kaylin anymore. Not like that. Not likethis.

Ryan is standing just out of reach, and I’m sure that’s on purpose.

“And you say wanting to be with guys is nothing new for you,” Ryan says, studying me.

“That’s not exactly what I said.”

“You didn’t say much,” he doesn’t hesitate to remind me.

I tilt my head. “What do you need to hear?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know, or you don’t wanna say?” I ask.

He looks at the floor, kicking the toe of his shoe into the rug. Ooo…I got him. He doesn’t wanna say. Interesting.

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