“Show up,” I repeat. “You get all that, Nathan?”
“Don’t you have some place you need to be, Malcolm?”
I turn back to Miguel. “Thank you. Hopefully I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He walks me to the door, and before I leave, he gives me a hug. It’s a good one. Not as good as Ryan’s, but very welcome. “You’ll be fine,” he tells me. “I promise that boy’s just as crazy about you.”
I appreciate him saying that, but truthfully, given the way I feel about Ryan—there’s literally no way that’s possible.
30
RYAN
Calyx checked on me via text because I skipped the gym again today, but now he’s at my apartment, commiserating about how hard it is to trust people and how much they suck in general.
“Does this dude have any hobbies that don’t include hurting you?” he asks from my bed while I slump in my desk chair and pick at a rubber band ball I’ve had since I was in undergrad.
“Making me happy,” I mumble.
“Ugh. Gross. But I guess you have been happier. It’s disgusting. Is he that good in bed?”
“It’s not that—but yes—he doesn’t do anything halfway. He commits, you know? Until he doesn’t.”
“That makes no sense,” Calyx says, and I can’t disagree.
“I was ready to give him a chance. I was gonna tell him I want to find my own place here in San Francisco and clear out a space in the closet and empty a drawer for him and shit.”
“And now?”
“I guess we’re on a break. I can’t believe he just quit.”
“You or the job?” Calyx asks.
Both?“The job,” I say. “Like is he stable?”
Calyx lies down on his side and makes himself comfortable. “I don’t want it to sound like I’m defending him, because I’m definitely not, but maybe he’s just trying to find himself. Not all of us know what we’re meant to do the second we crack open the right book or whatever. It’s not like he’s flailing at forty. He’s our age. I change my mind and take breaks from shit all the time.”
“Is that why you’ve been in town almost all summer?” I ask.
“Burnout’s no joke.”
“How longhaveyou been modeling?”
“Since I was five.”
“Is there something else you’d rather be doing?” I ask.
He shrugs. “Dunno. But I reserve my right to do something different.”
Calyx is making a good point. There’s just the one big flaw. “How do you explain him being with the same person for ten years if he didn’t want to be with her.”
He gives me a slow blink like my ignorance stuns him. “You think being with someone for ten years automatically means you’ll want to be with them forever?”
“No, but?—”
“People grow apart. They were together in high school. I imagine a few things have changed. I know I’ve changed in the last ten years. If you want to tell me you haven’t, I might have a trophy made for you. For being really fucking boring.”
“You’re a mean little thing.”