Page 134 of Feathers of Ash and Hope

“You should have come to me with all of that,” he says.

“I planned to, but then Ian sounded so disappointed, so disgusted, because I made one of my stupid jokes and…” I hiccup, my throat tight again, remembering my brother’s words.

I don’t want to dispose of another body.

And words I never allowed myself to voice tumble over my lips.

“I am always this burden for you, this dark cloud overshadowing your lives.” I fight a breath down my rigid chest. “All of you have given so much…and no matter what I do, I’m constantly disappointing you… And Dad…” Another sob wracks my body.

“Don’t you dare put that on yourself.” Dar sounds furious.

I shrug. “But it is. He took that position because of me, to protect me. He would have never been at that bloody battle otherwise, and now you…”

“Now you are just full of yourself.” Dar taps my chin and shakes his head at me, which earns him a watery smile. He pushes me back a little and makes me look up at him.

“I never knew you carried all that around, little sparrow. I’m sorry I didn’t see it.” He shakes his head ruefully and pulls me back into his arms. “You are our light. The day you and Ben were born, you wrapped every one of us around your little fingers. Then the day we found out—”

“The day I nearly killed Mom, you mean,” I mutter.

“Don’t start,” he growls. His chest vibrates with it under my cheek. “You were a baby. It was not your fault. Nothing that day was your fault. We should have watched you better. Mom shouldhave known better. But…” He shrugs. “All of us panicked. You looked so pale, so broken when I picked you up. All of us were petrified. Ian and I were so sure we killed you that day.” He shakes his head. His eyes are haunted like he can still see all of it. “We felt so guilty for it and were so careful with you because we never wanted to relive that again. You never disappointed us. You drove us nuts, though.” He huffs out a laugh.

“I made your life hell, didn’t I?” My voice is muffled, my face buried in his chest.

He chuckles. “That you did, but so much more fun as well. I can only speak for myself, but I know the others don’t feel different, little sparrow. I never resented you for what you are and never once wished you weren’t around.”

“But…”

“No buts about it. Everyone who knows you is aware that there isn’t a bad bone in your body. Quite clearly, you would rather die than hurt us. So stop doubting yourself and stop shoveling all that guilt onto your shoulders. Especially for the things you had no say in.” Breathing becomes a little easier, and I take a stuttering breath.

Darren ducks his head, seeking my gaze. “Dad made his own choices, and that is what killed him. None of this is on you.” He shrugs. “Maybe he did take that position to have the power and say to protect you, but you can’t be sure he wouldn’t have ended up there anyway. He was a warrior long before you came along, and the chances are good he would have been at that battle no matter what.” He wipes the tears from my face. “They offered him that position because he was bloody good at it. The same reason I was offered to take over after him. And yes, you have been on my mind, you always are, but you are not the sole reason I took on that position.”

“I just feel so…I don’t want you to have to protect me all the time,” I mutter. Darren laughs at that.

“That is my job. That is our job as your big brothers.” He grins when I grumble at that. “Now I’ll go back to the academy, clean up your mess, and in a few days, I’ll take you back home.”

“But—” I start.

“No, little sparrow, that part is not negotiable,” he says, his face stern. My stomach sinks. If I can’t convince him, all of this will have been for nothing. But can I even do it? Can I go through with Mom’s plan now that I’ve met Tate?

Chapter

Thirty-Nine

TATE

Today,Picking started, and I’m miles away on patrol duty, scanning the forest beneath me for signs of movement.I lingered endlessly in the dining hall the night of Blackstone’s visit, hoping Ara would show, but she never did. We left for patrol early the following morning, and despite hovering in the hallway like a creep, I didn’t see her then either.

Our flight isn’t on watch duty for Picking until the very last day of it, and the thought of Ara going through that right now makes it hard to think straight. I’m not sure I could have stayed away if we hadn’t been on patrol, so maybe there is something positive to this.

“She is strong and fierce,”Daeva reassures me. But we both know that isn’t a guarantee that Ara will survive it.

They drugged the runners at dinner the evening before, blocking known gifts if present to level the chances, and then placed them up on Mount Albión at one of three drop-off areas.The runners have to show their skill by surviving in the rough environment of the mountain and finding their way to the collection point. That gives the birds up there time to evaluate them and choose a rider if worthy.

I couldn’t even tell her good luck.

We will arrive back the night before Picking ends, which is still three nights away, and since the area we patrol is too sparsely populated and too rough in terrain to justify outposts, we’ll camp out in the open.

“She’ll do fine,” Jared offers, together with a bowl of stew. He’s the one cooking tonight.

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