Page 86 of Bourbon and Secrets

“Kit, tell your dad that it’s my job to be overly judgmental and pushy,” Griz says as he scribbles away at his crossword puzzle.

Ignoring my suggestion to take Kit for a walk, Lark interjects from the living room, “Dad, we’re missing a tent.” I lean back in my chair and look out into the sea of single-person tents draped in white Christmas lights that line the entirety of our open living room.

Griz joins me in surveying the sea of blankets, twinkling lights, and tents that have thrown up all over my house. “This looks like a good time.”

“It took three trips to the hardware store to get enough lights for the drill sergeant over there to approve.” I nod to Lark, and she rolls her eyes like I’m being dramatic.

“Dad, I’m turning twelve, and I’ve never had a sleepover with friends. I want it to be perfect.”

Griz looks around the room, his hands on his hips. “I still don’t understand why there are tents inside.”

Lark takes a breath from blowing up a plastic disco ball, but I answer for her. “Aesthetic, Griz. It’s all about the aesthetic.” She lets out a relieved exhale before she goes back to blowing up the disco ball.

I toe off my boots and wade through the sleeping bag pile and the new fluffy blankets Lark begged and pleaded to order. Sitting next to her, I help tie off the white tent flap on the tenth assembled tent. “You know, I think the aesthetic you’re making is pretty amazing,” I tell Lark, but she still looks unsure.

“You’re not a twelve-year-old girl with unrealistic expectations for a Foxx birthday party.”

“What can I do to make this better?”

She doesn’t say anything at first. Her fingers loop into the twinkling fairy lights around the post of the tent she’s been working on. It’s not until I notice that she’s holding back tears that are welled up in her eyes that I realize something is wrong.Shit.

“Mom would have made it really pretty. She was good at making things pretty.” Her voice breaks. She sits down, her legs criss-crossed as she stares at her fingernails.

I push down my emotions in this moment—the way hearing that makes me feel like I’ve messed up. Like I’m not enough for my girls. And they’d be right. Enough would be their mother still alive. But I can’t change that simple, awful reality. Just like I know her feelings aren’t about me. It’s about my daughter missing her mother on her birthday.

I pull in a deep breath, rubbing at the back of my neck, and try to search for the right words. Therapy has helped all of us figure out different ways we’ve each experienced loss, but it doesn’t stop the feelings from surfacing and what we do with them.

Wrapping my hand around her shoulder, I give it a squeeze. “Your friends are getting here around five.” I lean back, looking at the clock on the mantle. “That’s about six hours to play around with. Maybe we can look through some pictures together. I can tell you about your fourth birthday party and how your mom was convinced she could make a six-layer rainbow birthday cake.” I look around the room. “And if you give me a few minutes, I can figure out how to get another tent here.”

“Okay.” She smiles.

I shoot a glance over my shoulder at Griz and Lily wrapped up in their own discussion. When I turn back to Lark, she’s wiping her tears. Maybe I need to make her feel like she has more than just me to figure all of this out. “Do you want me to have Auntie Hadley or Aunt Laney on standby for later, just in case?”

Shaking her head, she wraps her arms around my neck and says, “Nah, I think we got this, Dad.”

PEACH

We’re on our way back. Is that okay?

LINCOLN

Right now, it’s a mix of chaos with a side of drama about who can sleep next to Lark. But yes, Lily can hang out with me. I was actually feeling very left out.

PEACH

I can stick around to keep you company too if you’d like.

LINCOLN

I would very much like.

About thirty minutes later,I ignore the cold and the fact that I can see my breath so vividly when I breathe out. But right now, the porch is a quiet sanctuary from fifteen twelve-year-old girls.

Faye climbs the porch stairs with a smiling Lily in tow.

“Well, you look like you didn’t have any fun,” I tease Lily.

My daughter holds up both wrists. “I have so many crystal bracelets now. And Faye told me all about how the moon can affect people’s moods, so we stopped into that crazy psychic lady’s shop. The one you always tell me doesn’t know what she’s talking about, but DAD...SHE DOES! She isnotcrazy, by the way. I think she’s very cool. Her name is Pearl and she’s a Scorpio, but she was born when Mercury was in retrograde, so she said she can be a lot to unpack sometimes. Maybe that’s whyyou were so turned off by her without even knowing her. She said it happens more often than you’d think.”

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