Page 13 of Penance

But I need them.

Mysoulneeds them, calls out to them, screaming to be tethered to them.

Then Max turns up.

I’ve spent so long trying to hate him that I was certain if I ever saw him again, I’d kill him then and there. A thought as frequent and as sure as the sun rising and setting every day. And that is what I wanted to do last night, but not for the reasons I thought I would.

I didn’t want to kill him because he abandoned me and I hate him. I wanted to kill him because I don’t feeleitherof those things when I look at him,at all.That’s what hurts me most. It’s that no matter what’s happened to me, I have never stopped loving the little boy with the stern face and turquoise eyes. And that guts me. I can take any physical pain, I’ve been trained to withstand the obscenest types of torture. I’ve taught myself how to disconnect my brain from my body and crawl into that dark little space inside my head. Mental pain I’ve been suffering with my whole life in various forms and seeing Max last night brought all of that and more bubbling to the surface, gasping for air and refusing to drown.

I don’t think I’ve ever truly healed fromanything. I’m always fucking bleeding because deep down I’m still so madly in love with him and everything we could have been, that I hate myself for it. I tried to cut him out of my very existence and when that didn’t work, I tried to cutmyselfout from this existence.

Pushing myself up from the sink, I tip-toe back into the bedroom. Stooping down to grab one of the boys’ t-shirts -whose it is, I’m not quite sure- and pull it over my head. My hand now pulsing with pain, I pull my hair free from beneath the collar, letting it flow down my back.

When Charlie and Jacob left, reluctantly that is, after fixing me up and shooting me full of blood, my body sucking it up like a dehydrated vampire. I showered, my wounded hand wrapped in a plastic bag, Huxley silently cleaning the blood from my hair, massaging my scalp with deft fingers. I watched it swirl down the drain as he washed me, staring until the water ran clear, the soapy bubbles disappearing from view as he held me close. It felt like I was purging a piece of my soul.

Then the boys cuddled me up in bed. The three of us together, just the way I had hoped for earlier on in the evening and I felt a little better. But nothing will feel truly better until everything is right between me and Max, and I’m not sure it ever will be.

Ever can be.

This was all supposed to be easy, itwaseasy, with me, with them, withus. I opened myself up to the possibility of being happy without Max. I thought I’d be alone forever. I didn’twantanybody around me. I imagined Charlie and I would just stay together as we are, wreaking havoc and spilling blood. Forever the infamousChaos Twins. I didn’tneedanybody else. Just me and Charlie.

But then I met my two boys, and everything moved so fast. I’ve never been one to do things in anormalway, follow etiquette and protocols and do things therightway. I’ve just done what feels right. So, I sucked those boys into my whirlwind of a life, attached my soul to theirs and stitched myself into their hearts. I can’t imagine not having them around me. Knights protecting their queen. They could never leave me now. I would just drag them back. Be it kicking and screaming, I would make them stay. I would chain them up and keep them forever.

But now everything in my head feels fuzzy and complicated. I’m sane enough to admit that I’m tooinsane to deal well with complicated. I don’t cope well under that kind of emotional pressure anymore, not since everything that happened. I’m triggered by a lot of things, I’m not perfect, I’m actually pretty imperfect, but that’s how I find I’m most happy, I don’t want to befixed.

Squinting my eyes to peer through the darkness, I find both my boys still sleeping soundly. Turning away from them, I twist the door handle gently. Pulling it slightly towards me to avoid the creak, just as I’ve been doing the last ten days when I’ve snuck downstairs in the middle of the night. I’m nocturnal in my normal life and so sleeping during the night is not my forte. I’m always so busy working I only usually get four or five hours at most and it’s usually during the day due to the nature of my work, but I’ve adapted my habits while I’ve been here to suit the boys’.

I let myself out into the hallway, clicking the door shut almost silently behind me. I take the stairs soundlessly and pad through the living room in the dark. All the furniture is back in place, the puddle of my blood cleaned away. You’d never know a party had ever taken place in here just a few hours ago, let alone the chaos that followed. It’s pitch dark, but I don’t need the light. I can easily find my way around this house under the cover of darkness now.

I move into the kitchen, opening the fridge. Smiling at the little pots of vanilla yogurt that Huxley bought in this week’s shop, the same one’s I had at my first breakfast here. If only I knew that first night I visited this house, that Max lived here too.

Fate is a cruel, cruel mistress, I’ll give her that.

Fucking bitch.

Shaking my head, I bypass all of Kacey’s protein shit and search out Huxley’s secret stash of chocolate milk. He hides them inside the salad drawer because he thinks I never open it.

I leave the fridge door open a smidge for the sliver of light it offers me and hop up onto the counter. The cold marble making me hiss through my teeth as it connects with my bare arse. The heating went off before we even got into bed, so the downstairs is overly cool now. Holding the bottle between my bare thighs to aid in my one handedness. I twist the cap on my stolen milk, swallowing some down, swinging my legs back and forth, I breathe deeply. Just needing a minute to really breathe.

I’m a lot calmer now than I was earlier. I’ve had time to think, clear my manic thoughts and pick through them one at a time. Seeing Charlie leave hurt a little, I’ve missed him so much, but it’s best I’m not around him while he’s still working, or I’d find it too difficult not to involve myself.

I wonder who he’s playing with tonight.

On the other hand, I couldn’t wait for Jacob to finally go. Jacob was shocked to see Max. I don’t know if I’ve seen Jacob have a non-aggressive reaction to anything in years. What shocked me even more was that he didn’t say a word. Not a single fucking word left his mouth as he took it all in. I thought he’d at leastsaysomething, but nope, not a peep. I’m not even really sure what to make of that, other than he’s probably thinking up an overly long speech to thoroughly bore us all with. Something that’ll include words likefurthermoreandabhorrence.Ya know, shit that’ll send everyone off to sleep.

On the plus side there’s only a few days until Christmas and we’re going to Dee’s like usual. The whole family and extended attends, by extended I mean Frank and Carol, Gremlin and Rubble. I’m guessing Jen will attend with Gremlin this year, but I could be wrong. She’ll only have been invited if Grem’s serious about her.

My boys are coming with me. Apparently, they don’t do Christmas with their families and choose to spend it together instead. So of course, Dee extended the invitation to them as well. I swallow another mouthful of milk, instantly souring as it hits my stomach.

Max.

He’ll be here all alone on Christmas day. I rub my knuckles over my chest at the prickle inside, what do I do? I can’t let him stay here all by himself.

Can I?

My hand starts to throb, making me wince. Needing something stronger, I hop down from the counter. Abandoning the stolen milk to reach up on top of the cabinets; I have a bag of weed up here somewhere. I stretch up on tippy-toes, my borrowed t-shirt riding up, exposing my warm flesh to the cold as I skirt along the counters until my fingers rustle plastic.

Yes.

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