Page 11 of Penance

And there I have my answer. I shouldn’t even be surprised. She’s too easy to love. Of course they both want her. I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t bother me. It fucking kills me. But if she won’t have me, they’re the only people in the world I’d ever trust with her. They’ll protect her fiercely. They’ll protect her long after I’m gone, because let’s face it, I can’t stay. I shouldn’t. I can’t be around her and have her look at me like that, I’d sooner die.

“You don’t care that I’mdirty?” she stutters.

And tears I can’t hold onto any longer break free, silently streaking down my face, burning across my skin like acid.

I haven’t cried a single meaningful tear my entire life that wasn’t over this girl, the only person to ever be worthy of them.

My hands placed either side of the sink, I bend my elbows and lean forward. I just want to stride through the room and grab hold of her, fold her into my arms and promise her that everything’s going to be okay, but I can’t. She doesn’t need me anymore. From the sounds of it she needs my two best friends instead. I don’t think I even feel jealous, just numb. Desperate sadness and shame claws at my insides, choking me. How can we ever move on from this? Whatever happened to her, she blames me for it and I fucking hate myself.

I hate myself for getting angry.

I hate myself for being aggressive.

I hate myself for loving her when all I do is bring her pain.

I know the story of how she got arrested. I know she did it through her temper. I told her to wait for me and she did, only she waited so long, when I still didn’t return, she destroyed the building where I destroyed her innocence. And for that I will never forgive myself.

“You’re not dirty!” Kacey growls, his anger so palpable I can taste it, “I never want to hear you say that ever again, do you hear me?” he orders, and she whimpers, I spin around so fast, how fucking dare he upset her?

Only he hasn’t,Ihave,me.

Let it go, Maddox.

“Kyla-Rose, answer me. Use your words,” Kacey demands as she looks up at him through tear filled eyes like he’s her entire world.

“I hear you,” she confirms on a shaky exhale.

“Good girl,” Kacey praises.

Stroking his thick hand through her bloodied hair, cupping the back of her head. He exhales sharply, and I swear the relief in his voice boots a hole through my aching chest.

“First aid kit?” Charlie asks the boy, both of them looking to me.

I’m already getting it from the cupboard under the sink. Gripping it in shaky hands I steel my breath and grit my teeth, I walk it over to Charlie, allowing him to take it from me. I get clean tea towels and a packet of antiseptic wipes, placing them next to where Charlie now kneels on the floor before moving back into the kitchen to keep my distance. Not because I want to but because I have to. For her sake, Lala needs me to stay away. And if that’s what she needs then that’s what I’ll do because I’ve never been able to deny her. I’ll do whatever it is she needs from me, even if it threatens to destroy me in the process.

“Ky, sit in the chair for me, I need to do something with this until Jacob gets here,” Charlie instructs, and she drops like a dead weight into the bloodied chair.

Charlie runs through questions, probing how she feels, his thick raspy voice soothing as he holds her wrapped hand up in the air between his fists.

She stabbed herself because of you, Maddox.

She stabbed herselfforyou, Maddox.

Why are we always fucking bleeding?

I suck in a sharp breath, instantly groaning at the spearing pain in my side. Huxley looks up, his brow creasing as he gets to his feet, he crosses over to me, he’s pissed off but he’s still my brother.

“Let me see,” he says to me with the inclination of his head, motioning for me to lift my shirt.

I do as he says and wince. I look down at the same time Huxley’s brow creases deeper. Huxley’s fingers prod over my rib cage like he’s drumming a fucking xylophone, but years of practise tells us both what we need to know.

“It’s bruised but it’s not broken,” he tells me, and I nod, pulling my shirt back down.

“Hux-” I start but he shakes his head.

“Not tonight, we’ll talk about this tomorrow,” he tells me, eyes moving back to Lala.

He releases a deep sigh, massaging his chest where his heart lies. It must ache at seeing someone he clearly cares about like this, but I bet it still doesn’t hurt like mine does.

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