Page 41 of Daydreams & Doughnut Cake

I’d booked a room and ordered food, although by the time we arrived I was so out of it, I couldn’t have told you what there was to eat and what the people who’d gathered there to celebrate Mark’s life actually said to me.

It’s always been a blank.

The first memory I have of after the funeral is Jackie outside in the pub garden, where I’d gone to escape, asking me if I’d like her to put off her trip.

She and her then boyfriend were embarking on a backpacking tour of Asia and were supposed to be leaving a few days later. They’d had it booked for ages because Jackie had thought, like I did, that Mark would have a lot more time left than he actually did.

‘I don’t want to leave you like this, Rosie,’ she’d said, hugging me fiercely.

But I’d told her she had to go.

‘Do it for Mark,’ I urged her. ‘He always wanted to see more of the world and he was delighted for you that you were going offon such an amazing adventure. The last thing he’d have wanted is for you to postpone your trip because of him.’

Danny had come over at that point and he’d helped me persuade Jackie that she had to go. She’d gone back into the pub to join her boyfriend and Danny must have asked me if I wanted to stay outside for a little while, because I remember we sat on a bench and talked about Mark.

Danny had been trying not to show how cut-up he was over the cruel death of his best friend. But with me, the floodgates opened and he shared some of his most precious memories of their friendship. We laughed about some of the things Mark did, and I felt better... a tiny bit lighter in spirit.

When Danny shuffled closer and hugged me, it was like a release of sorts. I cried copious tears into his black jacket and we stayed there a long time, our arms around each other. I knew Danny was crying silently, too, and that gave me comfort somehow, to know that Mark was loved so much by so many people...

I’d already told everyone I wanted to be on my own that night – to do my private grieving and to think about Mark – before I collected Amelie from the childminder the next day.

But sitting there on that bench, when Danny asked me if I’d really be all right, returning alone to an empty house, I’d felt myself waver.

Now that I thought about it, the idea was terrifying.

There would be so many memories of Mark. All his belongings. The wheelchair was still there.

In the cold light of day, I couldn’t imagine how I was going to cope.

Danny said he’d come over and stay with me if I wanted him to.

‘We’ll do whatever you want. I can make you food and we’ll talk about Mark. Or you can be on your own, knowing that I’msomewhere in the house if you need me. Whatever you want, Rosie. I just want to help you through this.’ He’d smiled sadly. ‘You’d be helping me as well. Because the last thing I feel like doing is going back to my empty flat after a day like today.’

‘Okay. That would be good, Danny,’ I said, feeling some of the funereal heaviness rolling off my shoulders. ‘Thank you.’

And so he’d come over, like he said he would, and we’d sat and watched one of Mark’s favourite movies and shared more funny stories about him. And my heart felt so much lighter having Danny there. He understood and he loved Mark almost as much as I did.

The mistake we made was sharing a bottle of wine.

If we hadn’t, I really don’t think it would have happened.

Many, many times I’ve regretted opening that bottle.

But I did and the wine and talking about Mark made me feel even more teary and sentimental.

And in the end, I shuffled along the sofa and nestled my head on Danny’s shoulder. And after a while, I felt him slip his arm around me. It felt so good, I snuggled closer to him.

There was nothing in my mind except a deep desire to take comfort from another human being and to give comfort in return – to one who I knew totally understood the appalling grief I was feeling.

But then at some point, I turned my face up to his and we kissed.

Just a brief touch of the lips.

I remember Danny drew away instantly, wanting to put a distance between us.

But I reached for him, pulling him closer so that I could kiss him again, deeper this time.

I don’t remember what I was thinking. I think it was just a blessed relief for me, feeling that closeness with someone.

---