Page 38 of Daydreams & Doughnut Cake

When I came back downstairs, Ellie was still standing in the hallway, wearing the glazed look of someone who’s been sleep-deprived for weeks, so I guided her into the living room and plumped cushions so she could flake out on the sofa.

‘Nice cup of tea?’ I suggested and she nodded gratefully. But as I walked to the door, she sat up, looking at me in alarm.

‘No! The kitchen . . .’

‘What about it?’

‘It’s a tip. I haven’t had time to clean up.’

‘Which is perfectly natural. I think I’d be really worried about you if everything was spick and span, given the fact that you just had a baby! It just wouldn’t be normal.’

She smiled ruefully. ‘I’ve been clearing up only when I knew someone was coming to see me. I wasn’t expecting you to be here today.’

‘Well, unless I get felled by a falling stack of dirty mugs, I think I’ll be all right,’ I joked.

She smiled. ‘More likely to be a pile of dirty washing,’ she murmured. ‘I’ve been shoving it away out of sight in a cupboard so I could pretend to Zak I had things under control.’

‘Right, well, it’s time to stop that and just start admitting you’re human!’ I grinned at her. ‘Now, if I’m not back in five minutes you’ll know I’m still hunting for the kettle,’ I joked.

She laughed at that. ‘The kitchen’s not that messy. Honestly.’

I made tea for us both, clearing the worktops and stacking the dishwasher while I waited for the kettle to boil. Then I found the wash basket and sorted it into whites and coloureds.

‘I’ve put towels and bibs and baby-gros in the washing-machine but you’ll have to set it off because I’m rubbish at working things,’ I told her with a smile, handing her a mug.

‘Thanks, Rosie.’ She made to get up but I gently stopped her.

‘Drink your tea first or it’ll get cold. I don’t know how many cups of lukewarm tea I poured down the sink inmybaby days! You have to put yourself first sometimes – especially when Isla is sleeping.’

Ellie settled back with a sigh. ‘Thank you. I don’t know what I’d have done if you hadn’t come to my rescue. I’ve been in sucha bad space, trying to pretend to everyone – even to my own husband – that I was coping fine when I really wasn’t.’

She looked at me sadly. ‘I’m floundering, Rosie. I’m on the ground and I don’t know how to get up again. It just seems so...pathetic... after everything we went through... all the tests and injections and the highs and the lows of IVF. I honestly thought I’d be bouncing around with joy, taking it all in my stride, once Isla arrived. I mean, she’s healthy and perfect... beyond my wildest dreams. But somehow...’ She shrugged helplessly.

‘I know,’ I said softly. ‘It’s all so bewildering, isn’t it? When it happened to me, I hated myself for not being able to cope. After I was diagnosed with postnatal depression, Mark had to take over most days, bless him, even though he was ill at the time – coping with the horrible condition that eventually took him from us.’

Tears sprang to Ellie’s eyes as she reached for my hand. ‘Oh, Rosie, I’m so sorry. You must have felt as if your whole world was caving in on you.’

I nodded, thinking back to that terrible time.

I sometimes found myself wondering if what I went through back then – the depression and Mark dying – was a contributing factor in what came next. But wasn’t that just an excuse for bad behaviour? I still couldn’t forgive myself...

‘I’m so lucky, really,’ said Ellie softly. ‘I’ve got Zak to share the high and the lows, haven’t I? He’s a brilliant dad. He’s working so hard on his latest book, hoping it’s a success so he can shoulder the financial burden and let me have as much time off as possible with Isla.’

‘You should talk to Zak. Tell him the truth about how you feel,’ I urged.

‘But I need to be able to handle Isla myself while he works, don’t I? I don’t want him distracted by nappies and housework and all that stuff. I was determined to prove I could do all that myself. Even if it was just a façade.’

‘You certainly had us all fooled.’

‘Really?’

I smiled. ‘Yeah, we all had you down as some kind of weird Supermum. “Weird” in the sense that it really wasn’t normal! I should have realised some of it was an act.’

‘Allof it!’ she corrected me.

‘So are you going to talk to Zak? Tell him how you’re really feeling?’

She nodded. ‘I need help. There. I’ve admitted it.’

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