Page 17 of Daydreams & Doughnut Cake

So when Katja called and asked me if I’d like to go over to Ellie’s later with her and Maddy and Fen, at first I made an excuse why I couldn’t, saying my usual babysitter was on holiday. The thought of having to be jolly and chatty made me feel exhausted just thinking about it.

‘Are you okay?’ Katja asked. ‘You sound a bit down.’

‘Oh, I’m fine. Really. I didn’t sleep terribly well last night and I’ve got all this food to cook for tomorrow.’

‘Of course. You’ll be elbow-deep in gorgeous spice dishes right now?’

I chuckled. ‘You’ve got it.’

‘Well, if you can manage to come, let me know. I could pick you up.’

‘Aw, thanks, Katja.’

‘We’re taking food over and some beauty treatments – face packs and stuff – so that Ellie can have a relaxing eveningputting her feet up while we look after little Isla. It should be fun.’

I smiled. It did sound like fun.

Most of my socialisation these days involved chatting to other mothers at the school gates and taking Amelie to play centres and the local park. Going out with a group of friends for some grown-up chat would make a lovely change.

I went back to work feeling lighter after my chat with Katja. Cutting myself off from my old friendship group had taken its toll over the past year. But things were starting to change.

I was already thinking I’d like to join the girls at Ellie’s later. It was good to know that I now had friends I could confide in if I needed to, and possibly even trust with my darkest secrets.

Friends gave you the strength you needed when you were challenged in life...

My lovely next-door neighbour, Pauline, said she’d be delighted to babysit Amelie for a few hours that evening, and Amelie was delighted, too, when Pauline appeared with her favourite gingerbread men! I invited Pauline to bring husband Nigel over and dine on their choice of the curries I’d made that day.

It felt strange but rather nice getting myself ready to go out for the evening. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done something like this.

I kissed Amelie and left the three having fun playing a ‘tumbling tower’ game on the kitchen table. Amelie hardly noticed I was going which was just how I liked it. I’d have worried if she’d cried and begged me not to go. I’d thought that might happen after Mark died... that she might cling to me, worried I might be going to leave her, too.

Her resilience had surprised me. My gorgeous daughter was growing up into an independent and confident child, and for that I was extremely grateful.

CHAPTER TEN

The Maisie Diaries

I’ve got a dress for the school show!

This afternoon I was in Sunnybrook with Emma. She walks home from school through the village and I normally wait for Dad to collect me in our usual spot on the high street. So I went into the charity shop with Emma and had a look around and I found this dress that the assistant said was ‘midnight blue.’

It’s made of this lovely velvety material but it’s for an adult so it’s a bit big for me. (Big as in saggy on top and trailing on the ground and likely to trip me up big.) But Emma said I’d look really grown-up in it so I bought it straight away with my saved-up pocket money. She said I should ask Mum to cut the bottom off it and sew up the hem just like her mum did with her dress. But I’ve decided I’m going to ask Rosie if she’ll help me do it. Mum’s always busy either lying on the sofa or jiggling Isla about, trying to shush her, so she definitely won’t have the time. I try to help her with Isla but I usually end up making her more cross and tired than she was to start with so I’ve sort of given up.

I’ve got everything crossed that we can get the dress to fit. Because when I tried it on later at home, honestly, I felt embarrassed because I’ve got nothing to fill the top bit. Like, ZERO.

I decided to ask Mum about chicken fillets. I’ve heard they can be a real bonus if your boobs aren’t that big. But she just said, ‘Your dad’s bringing fish and chips back tonight’ so I think she thought I was asking what we were having for dinner.

I’m going to ask Rosie. She’s a bit younger than Mum so she probably knows more about these things.

My boobs aren’t very big at all, sadly. Jessica Madeley has MASSIVE boobs and she’s a lot shorter than I am. I guess if it depended on how tall you are, mine would be most impressive. As it is they’re like a couple of fried eggs. (I was doing some exercises I saw on YouTube but I felt a bit silly and they didn’t work anyway.)

I’d like to look ‘girly’ and not like a tomboy which is what Granny Rose is always saying about me. She smiles when she says it so she must think it’s quite a good thing but it certainly is not! Who on earth wants to look like a boy? Yuk! I love my Granny Rose very much but really what can you expect from someone who’s about a hundred years old? It’s not her fault she has no idea how hard it is sometimes to be young.

Actually, Granny Rose is really cool for a granny.

When Dad and I were visiting, her lovely husband Archie told us he found her in the woods the other day with her skirt tucked into her knickers because it was too tight and she was trying to climb a tree! She’d reached the first lot of branches which is amazing considering her hair is now completely white.

She and Archie have rooms in a big house in the country, which has all these trees in the garden and an amazing tree-house in one of them. A lot of their friends are living there as well (how sick is that? To be able to see your friends all the time without having to ask permission and organise lifts and all that nonsense!)

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