Page 42 of Daydreams & Doughnut Cake

I wasn’t alone with my grief and that was all that mattered right then.

We slept together that night, Danny and I.

We had sex in the bed Mark and I had shared.

And then I woke up the next morning with a hangover and realised what I’d done, and I knew I’d have to live with that terrible knowledge for the rest of my life: that I’d betrayed my wonderful husband by sleeping with his best friend.

On the day of Mark’s funeral . . .

CHAPTER THIRTY

‘This Danny,’ said Ellie at last. ‘Is he one of the good ones?’

I nodded. ‘He is. I’d trust him with my life.’

‘And did anything happen . . . you know . . . between you two, before Mark died?’

‘God, no! You don’t understand. There was never anything like that... we were always just really good friends.’

‘Except . . .’

‘Except what?’

She smiled. ‘Well, maybe Danny always liked you?’

I looked at her, bewildered. ‘Of course he did. We were friends.’ I still didn’t want to believe that Danny had had feelings for me way back then, even though he’d admitted a few days ago that he had. I was married to his best friend! It seemed... wrong.

‘From what you’ve told me I think he might have been harbouring other feelings for you?’ said Ellie. ‘But obviously he would have hidden them because you were in love with his best friend.’ She smiled. ‘He’s one of the good ones so he would never have let his feelings for you complicate your relationship with his friend.’

‘Well . . . maybe.’

‘But whatever Danny’s feelings are towards you, there’s one thing I’m pretty sure about.’

‘What’s that?’

She reached across and took my hand. ‘You have to forgive yourself, Rosie,’ she said gently. ‘And you have to forgive Danny as well.’

I stared at her. ‘But how? It was despicable what I did... what we both did. I’m never going to think otherwise. There was no excuse for what we did that day.’

‘I disagree.’ Ellie shrugged. ‘You were comforting each other. You were Mark’s wife and Danny was his best friend. It’s hardly a surprise that you should turn to each other in your joint grief, is it?’

‘Well, no, but . . .’

‘Do you like Danny? I mean, are you shutting out your feelings for him because you feel guilty about happened?’

‘No! Of course not! It’s not like that at all. Danny’s a friend, that’s all.’

‘So you were never in love with Danny?’

‘Never! Mark was always the man for me – right from the first day I met him.’

‘Well, then. It really was just two people comforting each other over losing someone they both loved, so you need to stop beating yourself up about what happened.’ She looked at me sadly. ‘You’re not going to be able to move on and be happy in another relationship unless you can forgive yourself, Rosie.’

*****

Later, as I drove over to pick up Amelie, Ellie’s words were going round and round inside my head.

Was she right? That until I forgave myself and Danny for what happened I wouldn’t be able to move on?

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