Page 19 of Daydreams & Doughnut Cake

Ellie

CHAPTER TWELVE

After Maisie ran back inside and up to her room, I shut the door and leaned back against it, listening to the dull beat of my heart and my laboured breathing in the sudden silence.

She’d run out there with a bag and I’d no idea what was in it. I should have gone out there with her but I couldn’t face having to talk to the girls again. It had taken so much effort to turn them away with a fake excuse.

My head ached and my brain was fuzzy.

What had I said to them? I’d forgotten already.

But at least they’d gone now.

A weight was pressing down on me. My legs... my whole body felt so heavy, as if moving from this spot was going to take a gargantuan effort. With a sigh, I gave in to it, sliding down the wall and sitting on the floor with a bump.

I stared at the wall opposite, my eyes sliding out of focus.

It was so hard... this pretence that everything was okay... the mental stress of putting on a bright smile and sounding cheery when all you really wanted to do was curl up in a ball, pull the covers over your head and shut out the world. Shut out everything.

Even her.

Especially her . . .

I gave my head a little shake as a lump of guilt and sorrow sprang to my throat. I swallowed hard.

Tears were blinding me. They were never very far away these days. Not that I ever let anyone see me crying. Even Zak.Especiallynot Zak.

Furious, I wiped my eyes. Where had all this frightening darkness come from? I used to be so confident and sure ofthings. I ran several businesses, for goodness’ sake! Several very successful businesses.

But these days, my brain felt so foggy, I could barely remember my own name.

I should be feeling on top of the world now that we had precious little Isla... after all the highs and lows and the heartache and the joys we’d been through on our journey to be parents again, Zak and I.

These feelings of despair didn’t make sense and they really scared me.

I’d just assumed I’d take motherhood in my stride after all our struggles, but it turned out the opposite was true. I didn’t deserve to have a beautiful baby like Isla. I resented her because I felt so tired all the time and I had these fantasies of running away from everything... packing a bag and just going, leaving Zak to take care of Isla. He’d do a much better job of it, so really, I’d be doing everyone a favour if I were to leave...

In a way, the mental stress of pretending to be fine was even more exhausting than the sleepless nights and the endless worrying if I was doing things right.

But at least Isla was finally asleep now, after a day punctuated with her cries. The silence was soothing my head a little. The fearful thoughts that spun endlessly around inside my brain seemed to be slowing down, like a merry-go-round reaching the end of its ride.

I’d been so on edge that my friends’ voices would wake her. But they hadn’t.

Rest while she sleeps.

That’s what everyone said. But the thought of climbing the stairs to reach the bed made my headache worse and added a wave of nausea to the package.

I’d just stay here, not moving, for a while and relax.

But was she really just sleeping?

What if something had happened to her and it was all my fault for just sitting here doing nothing?

A cry from upstairs had me surging to my feet. Feeling a little dizzy, I thought I might be about to faint but I grabbed onto the banister and managed to climb the stairs quite quickly, considering my feet felt as heavy as blocks of lead. Panic was fluttering in my chest like a million butterflies as I burst into the nursery.

Isla was lying on her back, kicking her little legs and crying. I tried picking her up and rocking her but she just screamed louder so I laid her back down.

What does she want? I wish she could tell me. She can’t be hungry because I just fed her half an hour ago. And I changed her nappy so it can’t be that.

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